DEAR ABBY: I live in Israel, and for the past five years I've been having an affair with a great guy I'll call Yuri. I married very young to a man who is kind and very Orthodox. I love my children and grandchildren.

Yuri thinks we should leave our spouses and make a fresh start. (I'm not Orthodox and neither is he.) I am afraid if I do, I may lose my children and grandchildren. On the other hand, I can't survive without Yuri.

I have always had lovers since I discovered how Orthodox my husband is -- it's a survival thing. I am going nuts. What should I do? -- IN TURMOIL IN ISRAEL

DEAR IN TURMOIL: Consider VERY carefully what a new life with Yuri will cost you, because it's going to be emotionally expensive. Right now you are part of a community, with standing in that community. If you leave it, all of that will be gone, and you will likely be shunned.

While running away with your lover may seem romantic, I would be very surprised if it didn't spell the end of your relationship with your children and grandchildren. A decision like this should not be taken lightly; it needs to be made rationally. If you are "going nuts," you are not thinking rationally, so please, discuss this with a counselor more familiar with Orthodox custom than I.

DEAR ABBY: My ex sent our children letters from prison. I didn't give them the letters because he was abusive. In one of them he asked our daughter to forgive him and not punish him forever. Abby, her father had abused her, and he's asking for her to stop punishing him? She was going to kill herself because of what he did to her.

My daughter went through several years of intense counseling and still battles depression, so there is no way I'll permit him to have contact with her or my other children. I have had no contact with him since we split up several years ago. My lawyer mailed the divorce papers and that was that. Should I write him a letter and tell him what I think? -- NOWHERE IN TEXAS

DEAR NOWHERE: No, your lawyer should. One of the hallmarks of abusers is that they tend to blame their victims for their actions. The statement in your ex's letter accusing your daughter of "punishing him" with her silence is troubling. She's under no obligation to forgive her abuser.

When he is finally released from prison, one of the conditions may be that he must have no contact with minors. And if by then your children are no longer minors, one can only hope that they have become mature enough to protect themselves emotionally -- and physically, if necessary -- from their father.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 13, and a girl in my grade likes me -- REALLY likes me, but I think I'm too young. All my friends say I should go for it and have her as a girlfriend, but I'm not sure I should. I need professional help. -- NOT QUITE READY IN GEORGIA

DEAR NOT QUITE READY: Determining when a person is "ready" for a romantic relationship isn't something other people can or should decide. If you're not sure you want a girlfriend right now, the fact that she likes you -- REALLY likes you -- isn't as important as what YOU think and YOU feel. You appear to have a good head on your shoulders. Let it be your guide and don't allow your well-meaning friends to push you into anything.

DEAR ABBY: Our granddaughter, "Kim," is a senior in high school. She wants to study in Europe next year to improve her skills in a second language. Neither she nor her parents can afford the $20,000 or more this will cost. She is also "boy crazy." Another worry is the threat of terrorism and her safety.

Kim's grandmother and I see more negatives than positives in this possibility. Please advise us whether we should voice our opinion and what your opinion is. -- HOLDING BACK FOR NOW

DEAR HOLDING: If you had described your granddaughter as emotionally mature and responsible, I would give it my blessing. However, because you didn't, in my opinion she should continue her schooling closer to home and pursue her interest in language arts when she's further along in her education and less boy crazy.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend has no issue with nudity. She worked herself through her master's degree in finance as an exotic dancer. She has a phenomenal figure, eats healthy and works out often.

Last year we bought a home in a small residential community, complete with a pool. We installed a fence and spent a lot of money on landscaping to give us privacy from our neighbors.

We live in Florida and spend a lot of time in our pool, especially on weekends. My girlfriend doesn't like to wear a swimsuit, and I have no issues with it.

At a neighborhood event recently, one of our neighbors politely asked her if she wouldn't mind covering up when in the pool. She said her kids, and I'm sure her hubby, can see into our yard from their second story. My girlfriend apologized for their inconvenience, but told them she wouldn't be changing her habits in her home to stop another family from gawking.

I see both sides of this. I agree she shouldn't feel compelled to wear a suit to swim in our own pool (or lounge by it). But I can also see the neighbor's side. The preteen boys and husband can get an eyeful just about every weekend, and I don't think a few tan lines are worth a feud with the neighbors. Any suggestions for my dilemma? -- SWIMSUIT ETIQUETTE

DEAR S.E.: I, too, can see both sides of this. However, you and your girlfriend have done as much as you can to protect her privacy. You can't be responsible for your neighbor's husband's and children's voyeurism. I don't think your girlfriend should feel compelled to change her lifestyle because they act like Peeping Toms.

I do think it would be healthier for all concerned if your neighbor had a talk with her "boys" regarding their family's standards when it comes to naturism and respecting the privacy of others.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been friends with another couple, "Bill" and "Emily," for 20 years. We usually have dinner together once every four to six weeks.

In the past, everyone enjoyed a cocktail or a glass of wine with dinner and nobody overdid it. But over the last year or so, it is clear that they have started drinking earlier in the day, before we arrive. They each consume multiple drinks while my wife and I are still on our first. Emily often is noticeably drunk within the first hour and excuses herself to go to bed while Bill continues drinking. Often dinner plans at their house or at a nearby restaurant must be canceled because of this behavior.

When they visit our home, Emily helps herself to several glasses of wine before dinner and then passes out in our guest room, while Bill sits on the couch rambling on and we speed up the cooking to get food on the table. When dinner is finished, we suggest it's time to call it a night. Our get-togethers are now over in less than two hours.

How do we tell these otherwise nice friends that they drink too much? -- UNWILLING BARTENDER IN ARIZONA

DEAR BARTENDER: The next time Bill and Emily come to your home for dinner, make sure your liquor is locked up and don't serve any. If you are asked about the omission, you and your wife should tell them that YOU have decided to "cut back" on your alcohol consumption because it will enable you to enjoy their company more. (I wish you could videotape their reaction.)

It will be interesting to see if you still enjoy their company when they are sober, and vice versa. If they take offense and decide to socialize with you less often, don't take it personally. Realize that alcohol now rules their lives.

I do not think you should try to perform an "intervention" because it doesn't appear you are close enough to them to do it with much success.

DEAR ABBY: I was married for 27 years before my divorce. The ending of my marriage was both painful and unexpected. I was in therapy throughout the divorce and for some time after.

Later I moved to another state so I would no longer have to risk running into him. But just when I think I have moved on, something is said or something happens that brings my pain and anger back to the surface.

I heard once that when one is in a serious relationship, that it can take twice as long to get over it. Is this the same for a marriage? Can I expect it to take 2 times 27 years before I am finally over my ex and my divorce? -- UNEXPECTED DIVORCE

DEAR U.D.: There is no set timetable for "getting over" a divorce. Much depends on the reasons for it. Some people hang onto their pain and anger for the rest of their lives. Others grow beyond the experience and are able to move on. They cultivate new friends and interests, and sometimes find a romance to replace the one that was lost. I predict you will move beyond your pain and anger when you are ready for another relationship.

DEAR READERS: In the words of Martin Luther King Jr., whose birthday we remember today: "To retaliate in kind would do nothing but intensify the existence of hate in the universe. Along the way of life, someone must have sense enough, and morality enough, to cut off the chain of hate."