life

Three Cats Become a Crowd in a One-Bedroom Apartment

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 16th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend and I live together. We adopted a cat off the street. A few months later, the cat became pregnant and had four kittens. We ended up keeping two, and now we have three cats in a one-bedroom apartment.

I've tried being OK with it, but it's making me stressed and unhappy. The litter box must be constantly cleaned; they get into our food and pee on our furniture.

I've tried talking to my girlfriend about putting one or two of them up for adoption, but every time I raise the issue, she gets mad and dares me to get rid of them. I don't want her to resent me, but I also don't like living in the circumstances I'm living in. Please help. -- SURROUNDED BY CATS

DEAR SURROUNDED: You and your girlfriend appear to be irresponsible pet owners. I hope you realize that if the stray cat you adopted had been spayed, this could have been avoided.

The litter box should be cleaned regularly and, because the cats belong to both of you, the responsibility should be shared. If the cats urinate on the furniture, it should be discussed with a veterinarian rather than disposing of them.

That said, you are not married to this woman. If you're not happy under the current conditions, perhaps it's time to consider moving.

Love & Dating
life

Popular Boy Sends Girl Mixed Messages on Social Media

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 16th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I really need your help. I'm 13 and I know I'm a little young, but there's a boy I have known for a while. We used to text all the time, and then we got into a fight. We both said rude things, and then after a while he started talking to me again and acting like he didn't care. In fact, he told me that. Then we stopped talking again and he blocked me on Instagram.

Well, this school year he came to my school, and he's very popular. He stares at me every day when we pass each other and once he said hi to me.

What I'm confused about is why does he keep unblocking me and blocking me on social media? Why is he doing everything he's done? I hope you can help. -- BLOCKED IN MISSOURI

DEAR BLOCKED: The first time he blocked you, he probably did it to punish you for having hurt his feelings during the fight. Now he may be doing it to get a rise out of you, or because for some reason he doesn't want you to be able to see what he's saying and doing.

The opposite of love isn't hate; it's indifference. Because he stares at you in the hallway, I suspect he still likes you. Don't chase him -- just be patient and let this play out because it could be interesting.

Work & SchoolTeensLove & Dating
life

Mix-up Among Gifts and Cards Causes Headache for Bride

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 16th, 2016 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My niece got married and some of the gifts got separated from the gift cards. Individual cards were found apart from the gifts. So how do you thank the individuals who left gifts without knowing the gift they gave? -- UNSURE IN THE WEST

DEAR UNSURE: While it is preferable to mention the gift when thanking the giver, no rule states that you have to do so. Your niece should start by writing thank-you notes for the gifts that have cards with them, and for those few (I HOPE few) that don't, the givers should be told how meaningful it was to have them present on the special day, and thanked for their generosity. Period.

PS. A helpful hint to anyone sending a wedding or shower gift: Note on the gift card what has been sent (waffle iron, baby blanket, etc.).

Holidays & CelebrationsEtiquette & Ethics
life

Unexpected Thanksgiving Guest Took Self-Guided Tour of Home

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 15th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I lived with my mother, who passed away recently. I invited my cousins over to the house for Thanksgiving. One of them invited a cousin-in-law I had never met.

When I woke from a nap, the cousin-in-law was here and asked me about our walk-in bathtub, which means that while I was asleep on my mother's bed, she had entered my mother's bedroom and private bathroom. I was flabbergasted.

She also asked to keep a program I showed her from Mom's service. I wanted to refuse (I still haven't sent programs to out-of-state friends and relatives and am unsure how many I may need), but I let her keep it.

Should I say something to let her know how inappropriate it was for her to give herself a tour of my home before she even met me? -- INVADED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR INVADED: No, but you should absolutely say something to the cousin who invited a stranger to your Thanksgiving dinner without permission, and compounded it by leaving that person unsupervised while you slept. While you may not be able to teach either of them better manners, at least you will have made clear that you won't tolerate that kind of rudeness in the future.

Holidays & CelebrationsEtiquette & EthicsFamily & Parenting
life

Lifelong Nail Biter Can't Kick the Habit

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 15th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 31-year-old nail biter and have been one for as long as I can remember. As an adult, I'm now attacking my cuticles to the point that they bleed.

If I feel a hangnail, I have to push it down or rip it out. It may be stress-related, but sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it.

I have stopped biting my nails twice, but that's because I used to get manicures weekly. I can't afford them anymore. The stuff that "tastes bad" doesn't taste so bad it stops me.

I'd like to be able to show off my future wedding band. A co-worker said she thinks I have some sort of OCD. Could she be right? I know I need help. Do you have any suggestions on how I can help myself? -- DIANA IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR DIANA: I do have one that may be helpful. Keep an emery board and cuticle scissors nearby at all times -- including in your purse, at your desk and where you watch television. That way, if you break a nail or get a hangnail, you can smooth it out immediately and you won't feel so compelled to chew. Try it. Others have told me it fixed their problem.

Health & Safety
life

Virgin Waiting for Marriage Begins to Have Second Thoughts

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 15th, 2016 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a 25-year-old virgin and have never been in a relationship. I would like to wait to have sex until I'm married. Do you think I'll regret it, since it doesn't look like I'll be married before I'm 30?

Do you have any thoughts on when to tell a man I'm dating that I'm still a virgin? Should it be on the second or third date, when we become exclusive, or after that? And if I ever get exclusive, how would I tell that person I've been single all of my life without sounding like I'm weird? -- STILL SINGLE IN WISCONSIN

DEAR SINGLE: There's nothing "weird" about a 30-year-old man or woman being single these days. People are marrying later than in years past, so you shouldn't feel defensive about it. As to when to reveal that you are a virgin, the time to discuss it would be when a relationship progresses to the point where physical intimacy enters the picture.

Sex & GenderLove & Dating
life

Gulf Separating Mother and Son Grows Greater Than Simple Distance

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 14th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I moved overseas for work when I was 18. My father divorced my mom around the same time. I used to come back to the U.S. for two weeks every year to visit and stay with Mom. However, for the past eight years she has sent me emails "suggesting" in a roundabout way that I was not totally welcome. Because of this, I haven't been back in six years.

For the last 20-plus years I have given my mother about $7,000. Because I'm not welcome in her home, I told her I won't give her any more. She is now showing regret for her previous emails, but for me it's too late. Since I'm no longer sending money, she will have to sell her condo.

She's getting old and doesn't have much time left, and I can't wait until she passes on. I despise her. For me it is unacceptable for a mother to not welcome her son into her home for two weeks a year. Am I overreacting? Is my level of hate valid? -- REJECTED SON IN THAILAND

DEAR REJECTED SON: Not knowing your mother's reason for implying you weren't welcome to stay with her, your question is hard to answer. I understand why you would feel hurt, even angry. But looking forward to the day she's no longer on this earth strikes me as an overreaction.

From what I have read on the subject -- as well as personal experience -- I have concluded that hatred is like acid. It hurts the hater worse than the person at whom it is aimed. At this point your mother has lost her son and now she's losing her home. I'd say that's a large dose of punishment for her lack of hospitality. If you can't mend fences, then dwell on the positive things you have in your life rather than wasting time wishing her dead.

MoneyFamily & Parenting
life

Addiction to Prescription Drugs Eats Away at Marriage

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 14th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I've been married to my wife for nine years. She is addicted to Ambien and pain meds. I love her with all my heart, but the constant trips to the hospital and emergency rooms have left me feeling numb. The episodes are all pretty much the same "Groundhog Day" scenario. I'm in so much pain emotionally.

They treat her because she claims to have lupus. The real story is her addiction. My question is, what do I do? She has been to the hospital at least 30 times in our nine years of marriage. Please help me help her. Thank you. -- TIRED IN TEXAS

DEAR TIRED: You say the people at the hospital are unaware that your wife is a prescription drug addict. Why haven't you told them the truth and revealed where your wife is getting all those pills? For too long you have tolerated a situation that is destructive for both of you.

You may love your wife and want to be supportive, but you can't save her from her addiction. Only she can do that by admitting she's out of control, seeking help and sticking to a program.

AddictionMarriage & Divorce

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