DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of four. My children are wonderful, but they really don't listen. Instead of sitting down and talking to them, I scream and call them names. Then, after they go to sleep, I feel extremely guilty.

My 12-year-old girl struggles in school. I have tried to be calm and help her. But I become easily frustrated and give up. Then I start to scream and tell her she'll never get it.

I'm afraid I am damaging my child in the long run. How can I control my anger so I can help her succeed? -- ANGRY IN EL PASO

DEAR ANGRY: While both involve anger, you are really asking me about two separate issues. Let me first respond to the second one, your inability to help your 12-year-old academically.

As you may already know, not all people absorb information the same way. Some of us are visual learners, others are auditory learners, and some may have a learning disability that requires help from a trained professional. Your daughter may be one of these.

I'm willing to bet that when you scream at her, you are really screaming at yourself because of your frustration at being unable to get through to her. I have a booklet that may help you calm yourself before you get angry with your children. It can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address, plus a check or money order for $7 in U.S. funds, to Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. Most adults learn from childhood how to manage their anger. However, it is equally important to learn to express anger in ways that are not destructive.

Being in touch enough with your emotions that you can say, "When you do that (or say that), it makes me angry," can help you calm yourself before you explode, and it will also earn you the respect of others.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 35 years. Every year, he takes a week off to go to another state and play golf. When he returns, he compiles all the photos he has taken onto a disk. He would let me see the photos on the computer after the first couple of golf trips, but on this last one, he refused to show me any.

This is a big red flag for me that he's doing something more than just golfing. I might add that there is a lot of alcohol consumed, along with hot tub parties at the motel where he stays. I'm interested in what you think might be going on during these trips. -- LEFT BEHIND IN IDAHO

DEAR LEFT BEHIND: People don't usually become secretive unless they have something to hide. Since you asked, I suspect that if he was proud of what went on, he would have shown you the pictures.

DEAR ABBY: My husband has developed a bad case of periodontal disease. I'm afraid to kiss him because I don't want the bacteria causing the disease to spread and his bad breath is unbearable. Our sex life is suffering because of it.

We have two beautiful children together, and I love him very much -- even if he loses all his teeth at the age of 37. I have explained how extremely important oral hygiene is to overall health, especially heart health, and how his unwillingness to deal with this sends the wrong message to our kids. He simply refuses or conveniently "forgets." When I asked him why, he said his mother traumatized him about it as a child.

My children are starting to take notice now. My daughter doesn't want to go near him, and my son thinks it's OK to not brush his teeth because his father doesn't. As you can see, this is disrupting our family. What kind of advice could I give him to get him to start taking care of his mouth? -- WIT'S END IN FLORIDA

DEAR WIT'S END: That your son is modeling his behavior after his father is terrible. There are psychologists who help patients overcome phobias and dentists who specialize in patients with your husband's problem. If necessary, dental work can be done under complete sedation.

If your husband would be willing to listen to your family doctor or the children's pediatrician, perhaps one of them can get through to him the importance of conquering his fear before it causes lasting damage to the next generation.

DEAR ABBY: I recently began a relationship with a wonderful man I'll call "Edward." He's smart, successful, sweet and has a wonderful sense of humor. I adore him and can see myself spending many happy years, if not forever, with him.

The problem is my parents. I'm 24 and a recent college graduate. I have a good job and have been living independently since I was 19. Edward is 31, divorced and has two kids (ages 5 and 8). Because of his kids and marital status, my parents refuse to even meet him. They claim I'm making a terrible mistake being involved with someone with so much "baggage."

I am very close to my parents, and their reaction is hurtful. This is the happiest I have been in a long time in a relationship, maybe ever. Neither Edward's kids nor the fact that he's divorced is an issue for me. I've met his children and enjoy spending time with them. He has a civil relationship with his ex-wife, who also has a new partner.

Do you think my parents' reaction is fair? Do you think in time they'll come around? -- BITTERSWEET IN LOVE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR BITTERSWEET: Whether your parents' reaction is fair or not is beside the point. Their feelings are their feelings. The relationship you have with Edward is new, and where it may lead is anybody's guess. If it lasts, your parents may come around. But as an adult, the choice of whom you date or will one day marry should be yours and no one else's.

DEAR ABBY: Thirty years ago when I was an Army officer, my wife "went crazy." She had an affair and wound up getting pregnant. When I got out of the Army, she saw the man one time more before we moved and got pregnant again! We had a child together later.

When I found out my eldest son didn't have the correct blood type, I confronted her and she admitted it. I then had all my children tested and realized only the last one is mine. I love the other two as well as my son, and I would not destroy his or the other boys' lives.

My wife and I had counseling and it helped some. The problem is, I feel like my life has been destroyed and I don't know what to do. -- COUNSELING HELPED ... BUT

DEAR C.H.B.: I assume you and your wife had joint counseling after you learned about her repeated infidelities. While your faith in women may have been shaken, your life has not been "destroyed." Feeling as you do, it's time for you to privately discuss your feelings with another licensed mental health professional. After that, you will be better equipped to rationally decide how to move forward.

DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law is getting married soon. Originally, she asked my 4-year-old daughter, "Emma," to be her flower girl. Emma was very excited.

A few weeks ago, I asked when my daughter needed to be fitted for her dress. My sister-in-law then informed me they had chosen my niece to be the flower girl the day after she asked Emma. No one ever mentioned it to us.

It was left to me to tell my daughter, and she was devastated. She still cries about it. I am holding in so much anger and hurt that I have been avoiding the family so there won't be any fighting close to the "big day." Am I wrong to be upset with my sister-in-law and mother-in-law for excluding my little girl and not telling her themselves? -- MIFFED IN ALABAMA

DEAR MIFFED: No, you're not. The way it was handled was extremely insensitive. Your sister-in-law owes you an explanation for what happened and your daughter an apology.

DEAR ABBY: I will be receiving some money from a court settlement soon. Only five friends were true friends and stood by me. They assisted me during the two years I was totally destitute. They all know I'm involved in a lawsuit and that I will receive compensation.

My question is, should I tell them how much I'm getting? I don't like to lie, but the idea of revealing my monetary status makes me uncomfortable. I never promised any of them money, so that's not an issue. I will cheerfully compensate them all for their loyalty in ongoing daily ways.

What should I do or say when they ask how much I received? I don't want to be perceived as rude. -- UNCERTAIN IN THE SOUTH

DEAR UNCERTAIN: The amount you will be receiving is really nobody's business. It would not be rude to say that you'd prefer not to discuss it because it makes you uncomfortable, and change the subject.