life

Father Ignoring Gum Disease Needs a Good Chewing-Out

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 12th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband has developed a bad case of periodontal disease. I'm afraid to kiss him because I don't want the bacteria causing the disease to spread and his bad breath is unbearable. Our sex life is suffering because of it.

We have two beautiful children together, and I love him very much -- even if he loses all his teeth at the age of 37. I have explained how extremely important oral hygiene is to overall health, especially heart health, and how his unwillingness to deal with this sends the wrong message to our kids. He simply refuses or conveniently "forgets." When I asked him why, he said his mother traumatized him about it as a child.

My children are starting to take notice now. My daughter doesn't want to go near him, and my son thinks it's OK to not brush his teeth because his father doesn't. As you can see, this is disrupting our family. What kind of advice could I give him to get him to start taking care of his mouth? -- WIT'S END IN FLORIDA

DEAR WIT'S END: That your son is modeling his behavior after his father is terrible. There are psychologists who help patients overcome phobias and dentists who specialize in patients with your husband's problem. If necessary, dental work can be done under complete sedation.

If your husband would be willing to listen to your family doctor or the children's pediatrician, perhaps one of them can get through to him the importance of conquering his fear before it causes lasting damage to the next generation.

Family & ParentingSex & GenderHealth & Safety
life

Parents' Disapproval Mars Daughter's Happy Relationship

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 12th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I recently began a relationship with a wonderful man I'll call "Edward." He's smart, successful, sweet and has a wonderful sense of humor. I adore him and can see myself spending many happy years, if not forever, with him.

The problem is my parents. I'm 24 and a recent college graduate. I have a good job and have been living independently since I was 19. Edward is 31, divorced and has two kids (ages 5 and 8). Because of his kids and marital status, my parents refuse to even meet him. They claim I'm making a terrible mistake being involved with someone with so much "baggage."

I am very close to my parents, and their reaction is hurtful. This is the happiest I have been in a long time in a relationship, maybe ever. Neither Edward's kids nor the fact that he's divorced is an issue for me. I've met his children and enjoy spending time with them. He has a civil relationship with his ex-wife, who also has a new partner.

Do you think my parents' reaction is fair? Do you think in time they'll come around? -- BITTERSWEET IN LOVE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR BITTERSWEET: Whether your parents' reaction is fair or not is beside the point. Their feelings are their feelings. The relationship you have with Edward is new, and where it may lead is anybody's guess. If it lasts, your parents may come around. But as an adult, the choice of whom you date or will one day marry should be yours and no one else's.

Family & ParentingLove & Dating
life

Husband Who Uncovers Wife's Affair Is Unsure How to Cope

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 11th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Thirty years ago when I was an Army officer, my wife "went crazy." She had an affair and wound up getting pregnant. When I got out of the Army, she saw the man one time more before we moved and got pregnant again! We had a child together later.

When I found out my eldest son didn't have the correct blood type, I confronted her and she admitted it. I then had all my children tested and realized only the last one is mine. I love the other two as well as my son, and I would not destroy his or the other boys' lives.

My wife and I had counseling and it helped some. The problem is, I feel like my life has been destroyed and I don't know what to do. -- COUNSELING HELPED ... BUT

DEAR C.H.B.: I assume you and your wife had joint counseling after you learned about her repeated infidelities. While your faith in women may have been shaken, your life has not been "destroyed." Feeling as you do, it's time for you to privately discuss your feelings with another licensed mental health professional. After that, you will be better equipped to rationally decide how to move forward.

Mental HealthFamily & ParentingMarriage & Divorce
life

Change of Wedding Plans Leaves Flower Girl in Tears

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 11th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law is getting married soon. Originally, she asked my 4-year-old daughter, "Emma," to be her flower girl. Emma was very excited.

A few weeks ago, I asked when my daughter needed to be fitted for her dress. My sister-in-law then informed me they had chosen my niece to be the flower girl the day after she asked Emma. No one ever mentioned it to us.

It was left to me to tell my daughter, and she was devastated. She still cries about it. I am holding in so much anger and hurt that I have been avoiding the family so there won't be any fighting close to the "big day." Am I wrong to be upset with my sister-in-law and mother-in-law for excluding my little girl and not telling her themselves? -- MIFFED IN ALABAMA

DEAR MIFFED: No, you're not. The way it was handled was extremely insensitive. Your sister-in-law owes you an explanation for what happened and your daughter an apology.

Holidays & CelebrationsEtiquette & EthicsFamily & Parenting
life

Amount of Court Settlement Is Touch Subject Between Friends

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 11th, 2016 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I will be receiving some money from a court settlement soon. Only five friends were true friends and stood by me. They assisted me during the two years I was totally destitute. They all know I'm involved in a lawsuit and that I will receive compensation.

My question is, should I tell them how much I'm getting? I don't like to lie, but the idea of revealing my monetary status makes me uncomfortable. I never promised any of them money, so that's not an issue. I will cheerfully compensate them all for their loyalty in ongoing daily ways.

What should I do or say when they ask how much I received? I don't want to be perceived as rude. -- UNCERTAIN IN THE SOUTH

DEAR UNCERTAIN: The amount you will be receiving is really nobody's business. It would not be rude to say that you'd prefer not to discuss it because it makes you uncomfortable, and change the subject.

Etiquette & EthicsFriends & NeighborsMoney
life

Daughter Is Paying a Price for Living on Parents' Dole

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 10th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I recently graduated from college and moved out of my parents' house and in with my fiance. My parents have assumed most of the cost of our upcoming wedding after insisting we have a big formal one. I'm also still on their cellphone plan and car and health insurance policies.

I do not agree with my parents' religious or political views and they know that. However, my mother insists on connecting with me on social media and regularly sends me texts criticizing me for responding to family members' negative comments about my very general and inoffensive status updates. She says she's "disappointed," and then she and Dad threaten to not pay for the wedding. After a recent argument, she threatened to drop me from their health and car insurance.

Abby, I'm tired of them holding these things over my head. Visiting has become awkward because of their threats. It feels like I'm not welcome in my own family. When I offer to take care of these things myself, my parents act as though I'm being ridiculous and retract their threats. I have threatened to elope with my fiance to alleviate these issues.

I don't want to be estranged from my parents, but I can't change who I am as a person and what I believe. How can I deal with this in a way that doesn't make me as childish as they are? -- I AM WHO I AM IN MINNESOTA

DEAR ARE WHO YOU ARE: I have often said that women should not marry until they are independent and can support themselves, because one day they may have to. Your parents treat you like a child they can still control because, financially, you are dependent.

If you didn't want a big, expensive wedding, you should never have agreed to one. It would not be childish for you to find a job (if you don't already have one) and buy your own health and car insurance.

It is also time for you and your fiance to tell your parents -- in the most loving way possible -- that while you are deeply grateful that they want to give you a big, expensive wedding, the two of you have decided to scale it back to something you can manage on your own. And this time don't make it a threat. Act on it. If you do, you will then be free to think and say whatever you please.

MoneyFamily & Parenting
life

Choice Between Head and Heart Is Premature

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 10th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have started seeing this guy who doesn't want me to join the police force. I know he cares, but my dream has always been to be a part of the justice system. On the other hand, I don't want to lose a great guy over this one decision. Do I choose the dream or the guy? -- DREAMER IN THE USA

DEAR DREAMER: You are jumping the gun in thinking you must make a choice right now. You haven't mentioned whether you have the qualifications to join law enforcement. If you do, then for you to sacrifice your dream for someone you have only started seeing would be a huge mistake, and I urge you not to do it.

Love & Dating

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