DEAR ABBY: Do you think parents should intervene in arguments between 10-year-olds? My daughter, "Amy," was playing at a neighbor's house with two other girls and they had an argument over something stupid. The neighbor's daughter, "Kathy," started to cry, so her mother asked my daughter and the other girl to leave because they had upset Kathy. Afterward, she called and wanted me to punish my daughter for upsetting hers.

I didn't do it because I think 10-year-olds are old enough to make amends with each other. When Amy explained the situation, I concluded that Kathy started to cry because she didn't get what she wanted. The girls were playing with each other again two days later.

This isn't the first time this has happened, but it's annoying because they make a big deal out of it. Kathy is an only child and we have three children. What do you think about this? -- AMY'S MOM IN ANTWERP, BELGIUM

DEAR AMY'S MOM: Hang onto your sense of humor and take "Helicopter Mom's" suggestions regarding parenting your child with a grain of salt. Kathy's mother means well, but she should stop trying to fight her daughter's battles for her.

DEAR ABBY: I have two brothers and two sisters. We all earned a modest but comfortable living and made plans for our retirement -- except for one. He blew his money on cars, vacations and gambling. He retired as early as possible, and because of it he doesn't get much Social Security. Now he's broke.

He thinks one of us should take him in and complains that we are a "bad family" because no one has offered to let him live with us. None of our retirement plans were made with provisions for him. He is selfish, irritating and untrustworthy. I don't want to spend my retirement being miserable. What do I do? -- RETIRED IN CHICAGO

DEAR RETIRED: If taking your irresponsible brother in would ensure that your retirement would be miserable, you shouldn't do it. Your brother has lived his life the way he wanted, without consideration for the consequences. If his retirement plan was gambling that you and your siblings would support him for his poor choices, it appears he has lost that bet, too. As a kindness, direct your brother to resources that help low-income seniors.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I decided to go our separate ways and have filed for divorce. Although I moved out, we agreed to keep prior engagements. One of them is a trip to Europe to visit family and friends.

When we talked about traveling together, my understanding was that it meant sitting next to each other in the car and on the plane. Now he is making the hotel arrangements and has asked me if he should book a room with two beds or two separate rooms. This is confusing and it's making me feel awkward. How should I answer? -- THE EX-MRS. IN MICHIGAN

DEAR EX-MRS.: Be honest. If the idea of sharing a room with your almost-ex-husband makes you uncomfortable, tell him you would prefer separate accommodations.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, an avid soccer player, injured himself twice last year, which left him unable to work for months at a time. He refuses to hang up his cleats because he says it's his "one true passion." I think he's being selfish because his soccer injuries have caused a financial, emotional and physical strain on our family.

I can't be the only wife/mom who doesn't want the additional risk. Any advice on how to get through to him? -- SPORTS WIFE IN CLEVELAND

DEAR SPORTS WIFE: I don't know how old your husband is, but two serious injuries in one year may be a hint from Father Time that his reflexes aren't as acute as they once were, and he should channel his passion in another direction. (Coaching, perhaps?)

Assuming you have insurance, contact your agent and ask if there is additional coverage your husband can take out in case he is seriously injured again. Of course, it won't guarantee that he won't hurt himself, but it might give you some peace of mind in case he does.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 23 and live with my parents -- a situation I am working to change, to be sure. When I come home from work, I occasionally like to have a glass of wine or a beer. Obviously, because I'm an adult, this should not be a problem, but every time I touch alcohol my mom freaks out.

There is a history of alcoholism in my family, so I somewhat understand where she's coming from. But I feel she needs to realize that I can have a glass or two of wine and it doesn't mean I'm getting drunk or an alcoholic. I am my own person, in control of my body, and I know my limits.

My family's view of alcohol seems to have been skewed because of our history. Abby, one glass of wine a night does not an alcoholic make, right? -- UNWINDING IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR UNWINDING: Ordinarily, I would say no. But a tendency toward addiction can run in families, and for someone with a predisposition to alcoholism, a glass (or two) of wine every night could escalate and lead to problems.

Because you live in your mother's house, try to be more sensitive to her feelings and respect them. She has experienced firsthand what it's like to live with someone who has an alcohol problem, and it isn't pretty. That's why she is so sensitive about it.

DEAR ABBY: My neighbor often comes over to share some of her home cooking. Unfortunately, it tastes horrible. She invariably asks me the next day how I liked it, and I really don't enjoy lying. How can I tell her I don't like her cooking and I don't want her to bring me any more? -- TENDER TUMMY IN WASHINGTON

DEAR TENDER TUMMY: Use a variation on your signature and say that although you appreciate her generosity, for some time her cooking hasn't agreed with you -- you have a "tender tummy" -- so please refrain from bringing over any more food.

DEAR ABBY: At the age of 15 I was raped by my first boyfriend. It's how I lost my virginity. Shortly afterward, I became severely depressed and bulimic. I blocked my trauma until 11 years later, when I had a flashback. I sought out a therapist and have been seeing him for the past six months.

I feel so much resentment and anger toward my family for not having helped me through this difficult time. They didn't know about the rape, but they knew about my eating disorder, and I'm sure they must have noticed my depressed mood. They simply looked the other way, and I was offered no help whatsoever.

I am angry with my mother especially, because she has always been detached and critical of me. I'm afraid to tell her what happened for fear of being blamed. She has now been diagnosed with cancer, and I'm afraid she'll die before I get the courage to tell her. What can I do? -- ANGRY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ANGRY: It might be helpful to look more carefully at the reasons why you are angry with your family. It's unfair to blame them for not recognizing something they were never told. It is not uncommon for teenagers to withdraw to some extent in order to establish their own identities, apart from their parents. Your parents may have thought that was what you were doing.

As to your eating disorder, I remember a time in the not-too-distant past when little was known about anorexia and bulimia. It wasn't until after the death of recording artist Karen Carpenter that media attention focused on how serious and life-threatening an eating disorder could be.

This is not to excuse your mother for her inability to be the parent you needed while growing up. It's important that you work with your therapist on how to talk to her about all of your feelings. It shouldn't be done in an accusatory manner, and you should have no fear of being blamed for your rape. It wasn't your fault that you were assaulted, and no one should be able to make you feel guilty for having been a victim -- not even your mother -- who, I am sure, will be shocked by your revelation.

DEAR ABBY: I have known "Julia" for a long time. She was my best friend in high school and my maid of honor when I got married. She and her husband have an open relationship and invite other women into their bedroom. Several years ago, when my husband and I were struggling, they asked me if I wanted to join them. I declined in favor of working on my marriage. After that, Julia and I drifted apart and we spoke only rarely.

Our children go to the same school now, so we have reconnected and I realize how much I have missed having her as a close friend. Recently, however, Julia's husband, "Jerry," has started making suggestive remarks when he's the one picking their daughter up from school. It makes me really uncomfortable. When I told my husband about it, he wasn't happy.

How do I ask this man to stop without losing Julia's friendship again? I see them every day now, and I'd hate for there to be bitterness between us. -- NOT INTERESTED THAT WAY

DEAR NOT INTERESTED: Tell Jerry that his comments are making you uncomfortable and to cut it out. Point out that while you and your husband are not judgmental about their lifestyle, you are not interested in being more than good platonic friends. Then repeat it to Julia, so she hears it straight from you. If, after that, your refusal to participate in their bedroom antics causes "bitterness," then so be it.