DEAR ABBY: At the age of 15 I was raped by my first boyfriend. It's how I lost my virginity. Shortly afterward, I became severely depressed and bulimic. I blocked my trauma until 11 years later, when I had a flashback. I sought out a therapist and have been seeing him for the past six months.

I feel so much resentment and anger toward my family for not having helped me through this difficult time. They didn't know about the rape, but they knew about my eating disorder, and I'm sure they must have noticed my depressed mood. They simply looked the other way, and I was offered no help whatsoever.

I am angry with my mother especially, because she has always been detached and critical of me. I'm afraid to tell her what happened for fear of being blamed. She has now been diagnosed with cancer, and I'm afraid she'll die before I get the courage to tell her. What can I do? -- ANGRY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ANGRY: It might be helpful to look more carefully at the reasons why you are angry with your family. It's unfair to blame them for not recognizing something they were never told. It is not uncommon for teenagers to withdraw to some extent in order to establish their own identities, apart from their parents. Your parents may have thought that was what you were doing.

As to your eating disorder, I remember a time in the not-too-distant past when little was known about anorexia and bulimia. It wasn't until after the death of recording artist Karen Carpenter that media attention focused on how serious and life-threatening an eating disorder could be.

This is not to excuse your mother for her inability to be the parent you needed while growing up. It's important that you work with your therapist on how to talk to her about all of your feelings. It shouldn't be done in an accusatory manner, and you should have no fear of being blamed for your rape. It wasn't your fault that you were assaulted, and no one should be able to make you feel guilty for having been a victim -- not even your mother -- who, I am sure, will be shocked by your revelation.

DEAR ABBY: I have known "Julia" for a long time. She was my best friend in high school and my maid of honor when I got married. She and her husband have an open relationship and invite other women into their bedroom. Several years ago, when my husband and I were struggling, they asked me if I wanted to join them. I declined in favor of working on my marriage. After that, Julia and I drifted apart and we spoke only rarely.

Our children go to the same school now, so we have reconnected and I realize how much I have missed having her as a close friend. Recently, however, Julia's husband, "Jerry," has started making suggestive remarks when he's the one picking their daughter up from school. It makes me really uncomfortable. When I told my husband about it, he wasn't happy.

How do I ask this man to stop without losing Julia's friendship again? I see them every day now, and I'd hate for there to be bitterness between us. -- NOT INTERESTED THAT WAY

DEAR NOT INTERESTED: Tell Jerry that his comments are making you uncomfortable and to cut it out. Point out that while you and your husband are not judgmental about their lifestyle, you are not interested in being more than good platonic friends. Then repeat it to Julia, so she hears it straight from you. If, after that, your refusal to participate in their bedroom antics causes "bitterness," then so be it.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter-in-law, "Eden," is married to my daughter. Eden is now pregnant via artificial insemination. I will never meet the donor and know almost nothing about him. Could this be why I don't have the enthusiasm for this pregnancy that I should have, since the baby will be my first grandchild?

I feel guilty that I'm not excited. I'm wondering if it's because there is no blood connection, but neither would there be if the baby were adopted. Eden is due in a month. We live close by, and I need to generate some enthusiasm. Any suggestions? -- GRANDMA-IN-WAITING

DEAR GRANDMA: Yes. Start by doing all the things you would if you WERE excited about this grandchild. Be as participatory as your daughter and daughter-in-law will allow. If you do, while I can't guarantee that you will feel a bond with the baby, your chances of forming one will be greater. And please stop feeling guilty. Relationships take time to build, and this is no exception.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are facing a big decision: whether to move to a better school district for our daughter. The one we're in doesn't rate high, and yes, we can afford to move to a more elite area. So what is holding us back? Our wonderful neighbors!

They are our best friends. Our husbands are close, and it's the same with our kids -- even the dogs. We vacation together and take turns carpooling to school in the mornings. They have welcomed my daughter into their home, and ditto for us and their children. Are we fools to walk away from such contentment and love? -- HEAVY DECISION IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR HEAVY DECISION: If you and your friends are close for reasons other than geography and convenience, your relationship with them should be a lasting one. However, your daughter's education should come first, and if they are true friends, they will understand why you are making the move.

DEAR ABBY: As someone on a second marriage, may I point something out to your readers? An engagement is not marriage. People need to take a hard look at the person they are choosing to spend the rest of their lives with, and understand that they cannot change another person. Red flags should be addressed during the engagement. That little annoyance will grow and has the potential to blossom into a huge issue.

Counseling can be wonderfully useful, but bear in mind it can take several tries to find a counselor who clicks with you. Take it from me, divorce is horrible and can cause damage that can never really be undone. -- EXPERIENCED IN TENNESSEE

DEAR EXPERIENCED: You're right; problems don't solve themselves, and people in love don't always think rationally. However, I hope they will pay attention to your excellent advice because I couldn't have said it better myself.

DEAR ABBY: My husband went to Florida three months ago to care for an ailing former lover. He told me she will be leaving him a sizable inheritance and he needs to protect her from "vultures." I admit I am suspicious of his motives. I think there may be more going on than what he's telling me, but he has been painting a pretty picture of how rosy our future will be with her gift.

He has now suggested that we get a temporary divorce so he can marry her in order to get her entire estate! He claims it will be nothing more than a business arrangement. His suggestion left me flabbergasted. Even though our marriage has been rocky at times, I have never seen this side of him. I don't know whether to believe him and be simply disappointed at his callous behavior, or not believe him and conclude that he really wants a divorce so he can marry her. Any thoughts? -- HEARTSICK IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR HEARTSICK: Your husband appears to still be carrying a torch for his old flame. Are you sure she is really sick? If it's the truth, then the "vulture" I see on the horizon may be him.

I hope you appreciate how extremely manipulative your husband appears to be. Because of it, and since he has spoken the "D" word, consult a lawyer to ensure that your interests will be protected regardless of his motives. I'm saying that in case the woman turns out to be healthier than both of you.

DEAR ABBY: How do you help someone who doesn't want to be helped? My adult son, "Greg," who lives with me, is slowly drinking himself to death. He was laid off two years ago, and I know he is depressed and has given up on life.

It has reached the point where he is showing signs of cirrhosis, but he refuses to do anything about it. The last time he saw a doctor was three years ago. The doctor said Greg's liver functions were not normal and he needed to stop drinking. I've tried to make my son listen to reason, to no avail.

My sister tells me if I don't get Greg some help, I could be charged with adult neglect. But I don't know how to fix this. The outcome is increasingly bleak. What can I do? -- MOM WITH A PROBLEM

DEAR MOM: If the inability to convince a substance-addicted adult relative to get help were against the law, there wouldn't be enough prisons to hold all the "offenders."

As much as you love your son, you can't "fix" his alcohol addiction. You should, however, find the nearest Al-Anon group and attend some meetings. And while you are at it, bring your sister with you because she has a lot to learn. Chief among the lessons is that someone else's drinking is not another person's fault or responsibility to control. I am sorry for your pain, because I'm sure it is considerable.

DEAR ABBY: I'm an attorney. Recently at a party, an acquaintance was talking about some litigation his company is involved in. I commented briefly on something he said, and he responded, "We take advice from attorneys we pay," and walked away. Should I feel insulted, or should I have stayed out of the conversation to begin with? -- HURT FEELINGS IN FLORIDA

DEAR HURT: Some people think that anything that's offered for free is without value, and it appears the man you encountered is one of them. Because this is his world view, try not to take it personally. Your motives were generous. I see no reason to muzzle yourself in the future if you think you have something helpful to say.