DEAR ABBY: I have been with my husband for almost 14 years. I'm a sound sleeper, and I suspect he has been having sex with me while I'm sleeping. I have woken up without clothes on, my undergarments askew or the waistband "rolled on." I called him on it and told him I knew and that I'm not OK with it.

Weeks later, I caught him red-handed. This time I was awake, but I was so frightened that I froze! I was sexually abused as a child and raped as an adult, and now I feel like my marriage has been turned upside down. My husband denies it. He claims it's all in my head.

My friends say that for the sake of my children I should ignore it or I'll turn their lives upside down. Abby, everyone thinks my husband is a catch! I'm sure if I walk away I'll lose friends -- maybe even some of my family. Please help me. I feel lost. -- TURNED UPSIDE DOWN IN ILLINOIS

DEAR TURNED UPSIDE DOWN: Your friends are wrong, and you should NOT "ignore" this. Sex without a person's consent is rape! When a husband does what you have described, it is called spousal rape.

Because he claims this is "all in your head," for your own sanity, make an appointment to discuss this with a licensed psychotherapist. With your unfortunate history, you should have spoken with someone already. Your husband is either grossly insensitive or derives pleasure from being a predator. His behavior is appalling, and you do not have to stand for it.

Counseling can help you decide whether to remain in this marriage. Regardless of what your ultimate decision may be, it will help you be emotionally resilient enough to live with your choice regardless of what your "friends" and family members may think.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Rob," and I are pregnant. This should be an exciting time for me, but he keeps bringing up a previous relationship during which he had an unplanned child. That was 10 years ago, and the mother denied him access.

I have told Rob how much his mentioning it upsets me and I have asked him not to do it, especially during my pregnancy. I want to feel happy and special as the woman who will be providing Rob with an actual family unit. But instead I feel like second-best and resentful.

This should be a time to focus on us and our new baby, not the child that isn't in his life or that woman and her stupid actions. Please advise me. -- SOON-TO-BE MOM IN DENVER

DEAR MOM: You ARE special and you ARE the person who is creating a new family with Rob, but your pregnancy may be a painful reminder of the child he "lost." He may be afraid the same thing could happen again and need all the reassurance you can give him that it won't.

Because his bringing up the past relationship is hurtful, suggest he talk with a licensed mental health professional about it. Sometimes the best way to stop grieving is to talk about it.

DEAR ABBY: A good friend of mine recently found out his daughter, "Rhonda" (who is over 18), feels she should have been born a boy. "Ronnie" is now living life as a man and plans to change genders completely.

To say the least, my friend and his wife are finding it difficult to deal with. He doesn't understand why she can't just be gay, which he would be fine with. I want to give them emotional support while at the same time supporting Ronnie, but I'm having a hard time relating to their feelings.

Could you provide some resources for them, such as organizations that help families deal with gender changing and all that it entails? -- WANTS TO BE SUPPORTIVE

DEAR WANTS TO BE SUPPORTIVE: I know an excellent LGBT organization that has been mentioned before in my column. It's called Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG). The largest increase in new individuals reaching out to PFLAG is now among trans people and their family members.

Ronnie can't "just be gay" because the issue isn't sexual orientation; it is Ronnie's gender identity. PFLAG can help to explain this to Ronnie's father, and he should visit pflag.org for guidance.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with "John" for 18 years. We married while he was in prison. I know I have outgrown him, but I'm scared to say it's over in case I realize later that we should be together. Over the years, we have both cheated and hurt each other.

I don't know exactly what I am holding onto with him. There doesn't seem to be anyone else out there to choose from, so maybe I should stay. I'm not afraid to be alone, but I am confused. I am suffering from depression over this. Please help. -- STUCK IN DES MOINES

DEAR STUCK: If the only reason you haven't left John is that there's no one else around to choose from, it's understandable that you would be depressed. The status quo isn't fair for you or your husband.

As I see it, you have two choices: Fix your marriage or leave. Of course, the better option would be for you and John to have counseling to see if your love can be revived. However, if it doesn't work, then it might be better for you both to separate. The reason there is no one else out there right now may be that you are unavailable.

DEAR ABBY: Call me ungrateful, but I am very uncomfortable receiving gifts. How can I get longtime friends to stop bringing hostess gifts when I invite them over? I don't need anything, and I resent feeling I am obligated to take something to them, too.

Why do women do this and men not feel so compelled? I have tried remarking, "The present of your 'presence' is present enough," but it continues. I need your help. -- UNGRACIOUS IN FLORIDA

DEAR UNGRACIOUS: Women usually bring hostess gifts because they were raised to believe it is the gracious thing to do. ("Don't come empty-handed.") Since "remarking" hasn't gotten your message across, you will have to be more direct with your friends. TELL them that when they visit, you would prefer they bring only themselves and nothing more. Then explain that you are at a point where you have enough "things" and do not need or want any more.

DEAR ABBY: Every year around the holidays, well-intentioned strangers wish me and my family "Merry Christmas!" Even though we are Jewish, I have always regarded it to be a kind gesture to spread good cheer. I smile and return the greeting.

My children have asked me why I don't tell people we're Jewish and that we don't celebrate Christmas. I don't feel I need to educate strangers when they're just trying to be friendly, but my kids don't agree. We've had several discussions about being friendly and polite, but still they ask if being Jewish is something to keep secret or be embarrassed about.

I don't want to rain on anyone's parade, but I do want to give my kids the message that we are proud of who we are. How do you recommend I handle this situation, because it happens a lot? -- JILL IN SANTA ROSA, CALIF.

DEAR JILL: Explain to your children that you return the greeting to be polite, not because you feel being Jewish is anything to be ashamed of. The strangers who do this are saying something nice, and you are returning the greeting.

However, the response to people to whom you are closer and with whom there will be a deeper relationship should be different. To them, your children should explain that they are Jewish and that you celebrate Hanukkah rather than Christmas. When you're with them, if they feel the need to assert their Jewish identity, they should go right ahead and do it.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend for 16 years. Last year I found out he was married before I met him and still is married to her. He never told me he was married when I met him -- or at all. If he had, we wouldn't be together.

His wife got ahold of me on Facebook because she was looking for him. I was in disbelief. We almost got married in 2007, which would have been bigamy. I have stayed with him for the sake of our kids, but I'm miserable.

I recently reconnected with a male friend from high school. We have been talking, but not romantically. He knows my situation. The problem is, he said that he had a crush on me back in school and still does. I have feelings for him, too -- more than just friendship. What do I do? -- EMOTIONALLY LOST IN MARYLAND

DEAR LOST: I can only imagine the extent to which your trust has been shaken. What you need to do right now is recognize how vulnerable you are feeling. What you shouldn't do is rebound from one relationship into another.

Because you are no longer happy with your boyfriend, consult an attorney to ensure your children's father lives up to his financial obligations to them. If you don't have a job, start looking for one to supplement the child support income.

Once you have established economic independence, you will be in a better position to judge whether or not your old high school friend is your knight in shining armor.