DEAR ABBY: I have dated a lot of women over the years -- including actresses, beauty contest winners and models. Every one of them, except my current live-in, "Amanda," would dress up in lingerie when I asked them to.

Amanda adamantly refuses. She says if I love her, I should be turned on whether she's nude or wearing lingerie. Part of the problem is she's not in the best shape, and the lingerie would hide that.

I have tried bargaining with her, but she won't agree. She doesn't understand why I'm not chasing her around all the time. I have tried to explain that I don't find a tummy sexy. She just calls me Shallow Hal. Advice? -- HAL IN NEW YORK

DEAR HAL: I'd love to know what attracted you to Amanda in the first place, since your "type" seems to have always been women who are arm candy. Sadly, taut bodies don't always last. At some point, age, pregnancies and the pull of gravity can cause them to sag. By the way, with the exception of pregnancy, this can affect men as well as women.

Bottom line: If physical perfection is what you need to feel aroused, then you and Amanda may be a mismatch because NOBODY'S perfect. (And this includes you.)

DEAR ABBY: I have started using an effective coping skill when I get upset about something or someone at work. I "vent" in a personal email to myself and send it to my home email address.

Well, today I got upset with my office buddy, so I sent myself an email. But instead of it going to my home, I mistakenly sent it to her and it hurt her feelings. I never meant for her or anyone else to read it. The technique keeps me from staying angry at work. As soon as I realized what I had done, I sent her an apology and we talked about it afterward.

I feel terrible about hurting her, because she is a sweet person, and it was a complete misunderstanding on my part. She told me she accepted my apology. What else can I do for her, or should I just learn my lesson? -- FLUBBED IT IN FLORIDA

DEAR FLUBBED: I think your apology was enough. However, because it hasn't assuaged your guilt, consider asking if you can treat her to lunch. And in the future, look twice before hitting "send." Better yet, go "old school" and write your thoughts in a notebook you keep in your purse.

DEAR ABBY: I am scheduled to attend a wedding later this month. Well, I just found out the groom's uncle is not a real minister, and that he purchased his minister's license online.

I think it is very disrespectful to people who take religion seriously, and to real ministers who spend years studying in order to be ordained. There's nothing wrong with having a judge preside over the ceremony, but to have a fake minister preside makes the whole ceremony a fraud.

If I say anything, I know it will cause hurt feelings, so I'm keeping my mouth shut. Am I an old fuddy-duddy? -- SILENT IN SPRINGFIELD, ILL.

DEAR SILENT: You are entitled to your feelings, but if this uncle is the person the happy couple wants to officiate, you shouldn't judge. If their choice makes you uncomfortable, stay home.

DEAR ABBY: Today, Dec. 1, is World AIDS Day. With effective treatment, people with HIV can live as long as those without HIV. Fear, shame and ignorance remain barriers to testing and treatment, which can be more deadly than HIV itself.

People with HIV who are in treatment need never develop advanced HIV (formerly full-blown AIDS). Please encourage your readers, regardless of age, gender or sexual orientation, to get tested, and if positive, to get treatment. HIV can affect anyone. -- MARY IN FREDERICK, MD.

DEAR MARY: I'm glad you wrote. Knowing one's HIV status is extremely important because, unlike in years past, the disease can be controlled. But in order to do that and not spread it to others, it is essential that sexually active individuals get tested.

Readers, you can be a healthy HIV-positive person and control it IF you know you have it AND get treatment. Ask your doctor about being tested, if you have one. If you don't have a doctor, contact your county health department about how to find testing and treatment in your community, or visit www.freehivtest.net for information about free tests in many areas across the nation and abroad.

DEAR ABBY: I am retired, divorced and never had children. My two sisters have four adult children between them. Their kids are all married and have children themselves.

Every Christmas there is a gift exchange, which I don't attend because I stay in Florida during the winter. At this stage in my life, I dread the holiday because it is expected that I spend a minimum of $50 per person for two dozen people.

I own some properties I am desperately trying to prepare for the market. At my age, I no longer need or want anything. It has reached a point where the "preferred" gift is money, which isn't the idea behind the Christmas holiday. How can I politely stop this habit? -- MRS. EBENEZER SCROOGE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR MRS. SCROOGE: You politely stop the habit by telling your sisters in advance that you are trying to prepare your properties for sale and money is limited. Therefore, you will be buying Christmas gifts only for your younger grandnieces and -nephews from now on (if you choose). Be sure to send the adults lovely holiday cards, however, so they know they are remembered.

DEAR ABBY: Besides the usual snoring most wives tolerate, I have had to endure something worse. At least once a week for the last few years, my husband will make a fist while asleep and swing it across the bed, striking me. The last time, it caused a tooth to chip, and frankly, it scares me to death.

He is by no means violent when awake. Other than sleeping on the couch, what can I do? -- BLACK AND BLUE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR B AND B: Before your husband causes you any more physical harm, schedule an appointment for him with a sleep disorder specialist. For both your sakes, please don't put it off. Your doctor or medical insurance carrier should be able to refer you to one.

DEAR ABBY: I gave birth to a baby girl two months ago. I have a wonderful husband and my in-laws are incredible. We live far away from both sides of the family.

My mom is a former cocaine and prescription pain meds addict. Her addiction diminished her mental capacities, and it's difficult to relate to her because the only things she can talk about are her health issues and all the medications she's currently taking.

Mom recently came to visit us. I hadn't seen her in two years, and when she did, I realized we have nothing in common. She and my dad are still happily married, and Dad has yet to meet my child. I'm supposed to visit them for the holidays, but I'd rather spend the time with my in-laws. Any suggestions? -- NOTHING IN COMMON IN HAWAII

DEAR NOTHING IN COMMON: Yes. Sometimes it's important to do things we would rather not because they are the right thing to do. Your father is trying to make the best of a difficult situation, and your mother is working to overcome a serious illness -- which addiction is.

Make the scheduled visit you committed to, and give your dad the chance to meet his grandchild. If, after that, you decide to permanently distance yourself from your parents, it will be your choice, but you may change your mind.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of five years, "Jack," is funny, unique and generally very sweet. I'm currently on disability and working hard to get myself healthy enough to start working again. The problem is, Jack thinks I do nothing but sit on my butt all day.

When I worked, we used to trade massages to make each other feel relaxed because our jobs were physically demanding. Now, because I'm not working, he says it's my "job" to help him relax. I give him a massage every night, but it's never reciprocated. When I ask him for one, he puts no effort into it and acts like it's a chore.

I no longer feel loved or special. I feel like a live-in masseuse, but I'm worried that if I stop, there will be no physical contact at all between us. What would be the best way to let him know I'm tired of it? -- RUBBED THE WRONG WAY IN MINNESOTA

DEAR RUBBED THE WRONG WAY: Jack doesn't sound all that "sweet" to me. Because you feel the way you do, tell him how his change of behavior is affecting you. Touch is important because it helps partners to stay connected. Could it be that Jack's unwillingness to give you massages is "punishment" because you're not contributing financially as you did while you were working?

Tell him you miss the closeness you once shared, and that if the shoe were on the other foot, you wouldn't treat him this way. Depending on what he has to say, suggest that for the sake of your relationship, a compromise may be in order because your partnership is not equal now.