DEAR ABBY: Today, Dec. 1, is World AIDS Day. With effective treatment, people with HIV can live as long as those without HIV. Fear, shame and ignorance remain barriers to testing and treatment, which can be more deadly than HIV itself.

People with HIV who are in treatment need never develop advanced HIV (formerly full-blown AIDS). Please encourage your readers, regardless of age, gender or sexual orientation, to get tested, and if positive, to get treatment. HIV can affect anyone. -- MARY IN FREDERICK, MD.

DEAR MARY: I'm glad you wrote. Knowing one's HIV status is extremely important because, unlike in years past, the disease can be controlled. But in order to do that and not spread it to others, it is essential that sexually active individuals get tested.

Readers, you can be a healthy HIV-positive person and control it IF you know you have it AND get treatment. Ask your doctor about being tested, if you have one. If you don't have a doctor, contact your county health department about how to find testing and treatment in your community, or visit www.freehivtest.net for information about free tests in many areas across the nation and abroad.

DEAR ABBY: I am retired, divorced and never had children. My two sisters have four adult children between them. Their kids are all married and have children themselves.

Every Christmas there is a gift exchange, which I don't attend because I stay in Florida during the winter. At this stage in my life, I dread the holiday because it is expected that I spend a minimum of $50 per person for two dozen people.

I own some properties I am desperately trying to prepare for the market. At my age, I no longer need or want anything. It has reached a point where the "preferred" gift is money, which isn't the idea behind the Christmas holiday. How can I politely stop this habit? -- MRS. EBENEZER SCROOGE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR MRS. SCROOGE: You politely stop the habit by telling your sisters in advance that you are trying to prepare your properties for sale and money is limited. Therefore, you will be buying Christmas gifts only for your younger grandnieces and -nephews from now on (if you choose). Be sure to send the adults lovely holiday cards, however, so they know they are remembered.

DEAR ABBY: Besides the usual snoring most wives tolerate, I have had to endure something worse. At least once a week for the last few years, my husband will make a fist while asleep and swing it across the bed, striking me. The last time, it caused a tooth to chip, and frankly, it scares me to death.

He is by no means violent when awake. Other than sleeping on the couch, what can I do? -- BLACK AND BLUE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR B AND B: Before your husband causes you any more physical harm, schedule an appointment for him with a sleep disorder specialist. For both your sakes, please don't put it off. Your doctor or medical insurance carrier should be able to refer you to one.

DEAR ABBY: I gave birth to a baby girl two months ago. I have a wonderful husband and my in-laws are incredible. We live far away from both sides of the family.

My mom is a former cocaine and prescription pain meds addict. Her addiction diminished her mental capacities, and it's difficult to relate to her because the only things she can talk about are her health issues and all the medications she's currently taking.

Mom recently came to visit us. I hadn't seen her in two years, and when she did, I realized we have nothing in common. She and my dad are still happily married, and Dad has yet to meet my child. I'm supposed to visit them for the holidays, but I'd rather spend the time with my in-laws. Any suggestions? -- NOTHING IN COMMON IN HAWAII

DEAR NOTHING IN COMMON: Yes. Sometimes it's important to do things we would rather not because they are the right thing to do. Your father is trying to make the best of a difficult situation, and your mother is working to overcome a serious illness -- which addiction is.

Make the scheduled visit you committed to, and give your dad the chance to meet his grandchild. If, after that, you decide to permanently distance yourself from your parents, it will be your choice, but you may change your mind.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of five years, "Jack," is funny, unique and generally very sweet. I'm currently on disability and working hard to get myself healthy enough to start working again. The problem is, Jack thinks I do nothing but sit on my butt all day.

When I worked, we used to trade massages to make each other feel relaxed because our jobs were physically demanding. Now, because I'm not working, he says it's my "job" to help him relax. I give him a massage every night, but it's never reciprocated. When I ask him for one, he puts no effort into it and acts like it's a chore.

I no longer feel loved or special. I feel like a live-in masseuse, but I'm worried that if I stop, there will be no physical contact at all between us. What would be the best way to let him know I'm tired of it? -- RUBBED THE WRONG WAY IN MINNESOTA

DEAR RUBBED THE WRONG WAY: Jack doesn't sound all that "sweet" to me. Because you feel the way you do, tell him how his change of behavior is affecting you. Touch is important because it helps partners to stay connected. Could it be that Jack's unwillingness to give you massages is "punishment" because you're not contributing financially as you did while you were working?

Tell him you miss the closeness you once shared, and that if the shoe were on the other foot, you wouldn't treat him this way. Depending on what he has to say, suggest that for the sake of your relationship, a compromise may be in order because your partnership is not equal now.

DEAR ABBY: I have a sibling, "Bailey," who suffers from panic attacks and anxiety disorder. Bailey was first diagnosed while I was attending college. I had a standard psychology class that helped me understand the basics of what he was going through, but whenever there would be a problem with him, I would always feel completely out of my depth.

Bailey has improved over the last couple years thanks to medicine and lots of therapy. But recently, he threatened to commit suicide. Our parents took him straight to the hospital. When I came home after work and heard what had happened, I sympathized with my parents, but I had no idea how to respond to such an ordeal. Worse, my parents want ME to talk to Bailey. Where do I even begin?! Please advise. -- AT A LOSS IN THE EAST

DEAR AT A LOSS: Much as your parents might wish it, you are not an expert when it comes to mental illness and you cannot be your brother's therapist. When you see Bailey, tell him you love him and had no idea he was in so much pain. Ask what kind of emotional support he needs from you, and be prepared to listen. Encourage him to talk openly with his therapist, because no one should have to go through what he is experiencing alone, and his therapist can help in ways that -- much as you all might wish to -- a relative cannot.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Tom" for nine years. I moved into his house after we married. I downsized a lot of my belongings, but the problem is, Tom doesn't want me to have anything of mine in his house. He's always giving my things away or making remarks about what I do have is trash. I have decided to put everything of mine into storage. I will even keep my clothing elsewhere and keep only a comb and toothbrush in his home.

This makes me very sad because I feel he does not value me. I feel homeless even though I have a place to stay. I work and we split the bills. I don't know why he's so negative about anything that is mine, and I'm wondering if I should just move out.

I have tried talking to him and he says he is "only joking" when he offers something of mine to someone else. However, because he has given away my things in the past, it's not a joke to me. -- GUEST IN MY OWN HOUSE

DEAR GUEST: When a couple marries, depending upon their circumstances, they find a way to combine their belongings or start fresh. That your husband would give your things away without your permission is insensitive and disrespectful. That you have tolerated it until now tells me your marriage is not one of equals, which is not healthy for you. Under these circumstances, I can understand why you would want to leave.

If Tom is willing to accompany you to couples counseling, it might help you to communicate better. However, if he isn't, YOU should talk to a therapist about your entire relationship with Tom so you won't find yourself in a subservient position in future relationships after you move out and divorce him.