life

Wife Needs a Wake-Up Call on Family's Sleeping Patterns

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 20th, 2015 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married 16 years. We have three boys, ages 12, 6 and 2. My 6-year-old doesn't sleep in his bed. He sleeps on the couch. My wife sleeps in a recliner in the den. The 2-year-old usually sleeps with her. Sometimes he sleeps in a crib in our room. I sleep by myself in a king-size bed.

There is no possibility for romance. The only time there can be is when my wife comes to bed. If this happens, I know something is going to take place, but I have no chance to initiate. Our sex life is totally up to her. Once a month or so is fine with her, but not for me.

I have told her how I feel about our "sleeping arrangements," but nothing has changed. I know I snore, but she has not complained about it keeping her awake or used it as an excuse.

Our 6-year-old will not sleep in his bed as long as his mother sleeps in the recliner. The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to get him in his bed. Do you have any advice on what I should do or say about this situation? -- SLEEPING SOLO IN THE SOUTH

DEAR SLEEPING SOLO: Obviously this arrangement isn't working for you. Unless you want to live the rest of your life this way, you are complaining to the wrong woman.

Your wife is doing the children no favors by allowing these unorthodox sleeping arrangements. It's time to lay your cards on the table with her. Tell her you need some straight answers about why she's unwilling to share your bed. But if her answers are not forthcoming, marriage counseling may be necessary to improve your level of communication.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & ParentingSex & Gender
life

Friend Feels Duped By Crowdfunding Plea

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 20th, 2015 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I recently saw a link on Facebook to a fundraising site for the son of a childhood friend. (He is under 18.) When I clicked on it, I discovered he is in rehab at a private-care facility that requires he stay for months. It is very expensive. I contributed as generously as I could, considering my limited finances, and received a thank-you for my support. I was happy to help.

Now, less than three weeks later, I'm seeing pictures of my friend on vacation. I don't plan to say anything to this person, but I have learned a valuable lesson. From now on, I will donate my hard-earned money only to organizations I believe in and have researched.

Is this a new trend, people asking others to fund their family problems so they can go on with life as usual? I recently saw a GoFundMe page for a funeral, and I know the family is well-off. I think this is very tacky. Or am I behind the times? Your thoughts? -- NO VACATION FOR ME

DEAR NO VACATION: More than a few individuals are using crowdfunding to pay for various things. It has helped some people enormously in their time of need. But for someone who is not in need to do this, I agree is tacky. However, regardless of what you and I may think, it's happening nonetheless. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, I guess.

Etiquette & EthicsMoney
life

Education Is the First Step to Leaving a Life of Crime

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 19th, 2015 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am 21 and come from a family of crime involving drugs and violence. I was taken by the state as a child in need of care at 14. I've been in and out of juvie and did 18 months in juvenile prison. I'm now sitting in adult county jail. I'm going to get one more chance, according to the judge.

Where can I get help if I want to live a rightful life and fix mine? With very little income, I only know how to make money illegally, which is more than many people make in two or three years. I want to do right this time. What's your advice? -- STUCK IN CRIME IN KANSAS

DEAR STUCK: My advice is to finish your education. At the very minimum, get your GED. Fight the temptation to go for "easy money" and find a mentor who can steer you toward constructive activities and opportunities. A place to look would be one of the prison ministries.

You are still young and have your whole life ahead of you. It will be far smoother and more successful if you don't add to your criminal record.

Family & ParentingWork & SchoolAddiction
life

Friends' Food Allergies Make Daughter's Sleepovers A Challenge For Mom

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 19th, 2015 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My 10-year-old daughter and I enjoy hosting sleepovers for her friends from school. Over the last few years, her circle of friends has increased, as have the dietary needs of said friends. It went from simple meals like macaroni and cheese, pizza or hamburgers to parents requesting gluten-free cookies, soy milk, almond milk, and other demands that drive me crazy.

I'm willing to accommodate to a point, providing vegetarian options and no nuts, but for parents to demand that I spend (what seems like) hundreds of dollars on food my family and I never eat is insane.

The last time this happened, I asked the parent -- nicely -- to provide a small container that I could store in my fridge for the girl to use for her soy milk. The woman became irate, called me thoughtless and wouldn't let her daughter come! I don't know what I did wrong, but apparently I made some faux pas because the same thing happened with a different girl who wanted gluten-free everything.

Abby, what should I do or say in these situations? I usually provide snacks and such that fit most diets, but a lot of times the main course contains gluten, dairy, etc., and I don't want to go broke buying select types of food for one kid. -- SALLY IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

DEAR SALLY: You did nothing wrong. Asking the mother to have her daughter bring a quart of soy milk with her was not rude, and the same is true for the mother of the girl who has an intolerance for gluten. The parents of children with food allergies should be used to the routine of providing allowable foods for them to bring when they will be eating away from home, and for you to have received the reaction you did was over the top.

Health & SafetyFriends & NeighborsEtiquette & Ethics
life

Rival Hostesses Do Battle Over Thanksgiving Honors

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 18th, 2015 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been hosting Thanksgiving for most of my married life -- 44 years. When my children married, I told them we could celebrate all the holidays whenever and wherever they chose, but I wanted Thanksgiving.

Two years ago, my daughter-in-law asked to spend Thanksgiving with her parents and sister, and I reluctantly agreed. Her mom was battling cancer, so I said she could have Thanksgiving with her parents.

This year I received an email that SHE will be hosting it at her house with her parents and hoped we would come! I was upset that she didn't even discuss this with me. I sent her an email back saying I would like to have Thanksgiving at my house and she and her parents were invited. I haven't heard from her and I'm afraid she's mad. Frankly, I don't want to go to her house, but I don't want to alienate my son and two grandkids.

I don't see a compromise here that will please everyone. Do you? -- UNTHANKFUL IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR UNTHANKFUL: Yes, I do. Because your daughter-in-law has made it plain that she would like to establish some Thanksgiving traditions of her own, you should now graciously discuss alternating the celebration with her.

Holidays & CelebrationsFamily & Parenting
life

Age Isn't An Obstacle To Older Woman's Younger Man

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 18th, 2015 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I was in an unhappy marriage for 35 years, and moved from California to Oklahoma to live with my oldest son. I have now met someone ("Tom") who makes me very happy. The problem is, he's only 30 years old.

Tom doesn't see the age difference as a problem. I don't either, but I have told only two people about him. I feel happy for the first time and don't want to lose him.

Do you think the age difference is an issue? I have tried dating men my own age, but they are boring. -- YOUNG IN OKLAHOMA CITY

DEAR YOUNG: You have the right to live your life the way you want to. Under the circumstances, the difference in your ages will be an issue only if you or Tom chooses to make it one.

Love & Dating
life

Cellphone Or Landline -- Which To Call First?

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 18th, 2015 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I often find myself confused regarding contact information. Many times, people list both a cellphone and a home phone number for contacting them. Because I've grown up in this age of technology, I have only a cellphone and am not reachable any other way.

When people list both numbers or send me both numbers in an email, which number should be used first? And if I don't reach them at the first number, do I leave a message and wait for a return call, or should I call the next number right away? Typically, preferences are not indicated. -- TOO MANY NUMBERS IN WISCONSIN

DEAR TOO MANY: While it's increasingly common for people to have only cellphones, not everyone wants to be called during the day when they might be working. That's why, if there is any confusion on your part, you should ask the individual, because the responses you receive may not be all the same.

Etiquette & Ethics

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