DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend, "Ashley," and I have been dating for three years. Every year I ask her to go on a trip with me to St. Louis where my parents live. It's a weekend trip my parents sponsor for our entire family, and it involves a Cardinals baseball game. Every year she refuses to go.

When she invites me on her family fishing trip to New Mexico, I go. When I ask why she won't do the same for my family trips, she makes excuses like she doesn't want to get up early. Most people in my family are early risers. Ashley is not. I tell her she can sleep as long as she likes; no one will care.

I believe there is something else that Ashley isn't telling me. I have expressed my unhappiness about this, but it does no good. I am to the point of just ending this relationship. I don't understand her reluctance. I really want her to come with me and spend more time with my family. What can I do? -- MYSTIFIED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR MYSTIFIED: Has Ashley met your family? If the answer is no, she may be afraid she won't fit in or that they won't like her for some reason. Unless you can get her to open up and tell you exactly why she won't go, you will never be able to convince her.

Because this has become such a sore point, you need to tell your girlfriend that her inflexibility has become a deal-breaker. But if you do, you may have to be prepared to follow through.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for eight years, and my husband is a wonderful spouse when it comes to almost everything. My complaint may seem shallow, but please hear me out.

A couple of years back, he started buying me potted plants rather than cut flowers because "you get more for your money." He buys me plants three or four times a year, and after receiving the third one I asked him to please go back to cut flowers. I neither like house plants nor do I want something I must find a place for in our yard. Despite this, he continues to buy me potted plants every time. Each time he says he "forgot" I don't want them.

I don't want to seem ungrateful, but I am really frustrated. Today I received my 10th one. I suppose I seem like a jerk, but I really don't understand why he keeps buying me the one thing I asked him not to buy. Your thoughts? -- KATHY IN WASHINGTON

DEAR KATHY: You appear to have married a man who is not only practical, but also unimaginative when it comes to gift-buying. That he would continue to buy you something you have repeatedly told him you would prefer not to have seems the opposite of considerate to me. (On the other hand, many women would be glad that their spouse remembered any special occasion.)

Suggestion: The next time it happens, put HIM in charge of watering, replanting and caring for the plant, and things may change.

DEAR ABBY: I was at my brother-in-law's house with my husband and our 4-year-old daughter. We were playing our weekly video game, and when my brother-in-law won a round, he shouted a racial epithet. I asked him not to use it in front of my little girl because if she repeats it at school, she could be suspended, and we don't use that kind of language in our family.

Now he claims I "disrespected him" and I should apologize to him because it was his house and he can say what he wants. He doesn't have children of his own.

Who is right here? Is it OK to say whatever you want because it's your house, or is it better to use some censorship when there are children around? -- WONDERING IN WYOMING

DEAR WONDERING: You did the right thing. Your brother-in-law should watch his mouth when your daughter is present. Because he's unwilling to do that, limit her exposure to him. And if she hears him do it again, make sure to explain to her that the expression is one you do not want her to ever repeat.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 24-year-old waitress who needs advice on how to handle older men when they continually flirt, touch and even ask for hugs while I'm serving them dinner. I work in an upscale dinner house. I feel sorry for their embarrassed wives and girlfriends who witness this disgusting behavior.

Waitresses have to put up with this kind of thing for tips. Is there anything I can do to prevent it and still receive a reasonable tip for good service? -- SICK AND TIRED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SICK AND TIRED: Yes. Keep your sense of humor. Smile a lot, laugh when appropriate and stand out of reach. Most of these men are harmless. They are trying to be friendly. Those who you find overtly offensive, you should turn over to another server. If the requests for hugs continue, talk to your manager for guidance in handling them.

DEAR ABBY: My fiancee's son is gay and recently married. He is 30 and his spouse is 24. They don't have much money, so I hosted their wedding reception in my backyard. In addition to all the work involved -- getting the food and drinks, preparing the food, preparing the yard and cleaning up -- I wound up with $700 charged on my credit card. I have been out of work for the last three months and can't afford this.

I know tradition is that the father of the bride pays for the reception and the father of the groom pays for the drinks. In a gay wedding, is the new tradition that Mom's boyfriend pays while both dads don't spend a cent? Both of them work. I'm considering sending them each a polite bill for $300. What do you suggest? -- MODERN MAN IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR MODERN MAN: I suggest that you and your fiancee take care of the bill, and ask the grooms to pitch in what they can afford. I don't think it would be fair or appropriate to expect the new in-laws to pay for anything that wasn't clearly agreed upon before the wedding reception took place.

TO MY JEWISH READERS: Sundown starts Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. This is the beginning of our time of solemn introspection. "Leshana tova tikatevu" -- may each of us be inscribed in the Book of Life and enjoy another good year.

DEAR ABBY: I am 19 and going into my second year of college. I was sexually and emotionally abused during my first two years of high school by a boy a year older than me. I attended therapy for a while and eventually found myself in a loving relationship with my boyfriend. We've been living together for a year.

Everything was going fine until I came home for summer break. I have never gotten over the feelings I had for my abuser, but I love my boyfriend and would never want to hurt him or endanger myself again. Why should I have feelings for someone who treated me so terribly? And what should I do about them? -- ABUSED AND CONFUSED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABUSED AND CONFUSED: I commend you for recognizing that the status quo isn't in your best interest. Old habits die hard, and you may still be physically attracted to your abuser. Now that the school year is beginning again, head straight to the student health center and talk to a counselor about this. Do not put it off, because understanding this is important for your emotional well-being now and in the future.

DEAR ABBY: We are having a housewarming party and would like to invite a married couple we know. However, the wife is notorious for having one of her female friends tag along for everything they do -- movies, vacations, concerts. Everything! I don't care for the third wheel, and I don't want her at our party. What's the proper way to word the "guests only" without it sounding cold or insulting? -- NO TRESPASSING IN VIRGINIA

DEAR NO TRESPASSING: After you issue the invitation, call the wife and tell her your party is for "guests only" and that you would prefer she not bring any extras. If she asks why, tell her the truth. It is a breach of etiquette to bring uninvited guests to someone else's party, so stop worrying about sounding cold or insulting because this couple appear to have hides of steel.

DEAR ABBY: I have asked my son to let me watch (via video chatting) my grandson open any gifts or cards I send. They live far away and I want to feel included. He promises to do it, but he never follows through.

My grandson is not being taught to have any regard for my feelings. What should I do? Should I drop the request and any expectation of contact? Should I stop sending gifts? It just upsets me too much. -- LONELY GRANDMA IN MICHIGAN

DEAR GRANDMA: I don't blame you for feeling upset, but the person you should be upset with is your son. If you stop sending gifts to your grandson, you'll be punishing the wrong person. His parents should be teaching him the importance of acknowledging gifts because it is part of basic good manners that will benefit him in the future.

Because you want to stay in contact, after sending the boy a gift, call to ask him if he received it and how he liked it. If you do, it may help you to establish a closer relationship.