life

New Wife's Family Affair Shouldn't Remain a Secret

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 9th, 2015 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I recently married the love of my life. However, a few years ago, I had an affair with his uncle. It was a terrible mistake. Should I explain this to my husband or keep my shameful secret a secret? Please tell me what I should do. -- CONFUSED WIFE IN THE EAST

DEAR CONFUSED WIFE: I vote for telling your husband the truth. Better he should hear it from you now than hear about it later from his uncle.

Family & ParentingMarriage & Divorce
life

Woman Smells A Rat When New Boss Leaves Her Flowers

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 9th, 2015 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I started a new job four months ago after being out of work because of a large downsizing at my last employer's, an insurance company. My new job is close to home, and I really like the work involved.

I'm single, in my early 40s and have a wonderful relationship with a widower I met in church. My problem involves my immediate boss, who is a married man with a family. He has asked me to join him for lunch several times. He has left flowers in my car with a note, and keeps asking me to go to concerts out of town because he says his wife doesn't want to go and he doesn't want to go alone.

I have tried to downplay his advances, but I am afraid it might cost me my job, my boyfriend and the ability to help my parents financially. I am aware my co-workers are probably wondering what is going on. How do I handle this delicate situation and do the right thing? -- IN A QUANDARY IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR IN A QUANDARY: Tell your boss that you are involved in a committed relationship, and so is he. The next time he invites you to lunch, inform him that his invitations are making you uncomfortable. After that, if he persists in leaving flowers with little notes, hang onto them because they would be evidence that you were being harassed in case your refusal to have a personal relationship affects your employment.

Love & DatingWork & School
life

Man Refuses To Move In With His Wife

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 9th, 2015 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: For the past year I have been married to a man I love with all my heart, but we have yet to reside in the same house. He lives in another city with his child's mother and gives me excuse after excuse as to why he won't leave. It's either that he's scared to have to pay child support, or he's afraid of my temper (which I'm seeking help for), or it's just not the right time.

I think I should take priority over his child's mother because I am his wife. I am fed up with the excuses and ready to call it quits. What should I do? -- MARRIED BUT ALONE IN MARYLAND

DEAR MARRIED: Keep working on your anger issues, but call it quits. Obviously, your "husband's" priorities lie elsewhere. Whether in the legal sense or the emotional, he appears to be very much married to his child's mother. As it stands, you are already living as a divorcee, so make it official and move on.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Mom's Surprise Pregnancy Is Not Pleasant One for Her Girls

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 8th, 2015 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am 44 and my husband of 20 years is 48. On a recent second honeymoon trip to Sweden, I became pregnant. We already have two beautiful, intelligent daughters, 17 and 14. One started university this fall while the other's a high school sophomore.

My problem is not so much the high-risk pregnancy, but rather that both of my girls strongly oppose the idea of us keeping the baby. Not only were they not thrilled when I broke the news to them, but they also cried.

My younger daughter is now giving me the cold shoulder. She doesn't like change and thinks having a sibling will disrupt our life. My older girl said she is glad she will be at the university so she won't have to have anything to do with the baby.

I am deeply hurt by their reactions. I need help to talk to them. Please give me some advice. -- EXPECTING IN CANADA

DEAR EXPECTING: Far more important than how your immature and self-centered daughters feel about your pregnancy is how you and your husband feel about it. Teenagers don't like to consider their parents as sexual beings, which may be part of the reason for their reaction.

Not knowing your girls, I'm not sure what they need to hear other than you love them and hope at some point they will become mature enough to accept the situation. But do not allow them to put you on the defensive. You don't owe them an apology. As a matter of fact, they owe you and their father one.

Family & Parenting
life

Son Becomes Mom's Taxi Service After Her Car Is Totaled

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 8th, 2015 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law was in a car accident a few months ago and her car was totaled. Since then, my husband takes her food shopping and wherever else she has to go. She has made no effort to buy a new car. She's content with calling him for every need.

She wasn't injured and she isn't disabled. If she doesn't want to do something, her excuse is, "I'm an old lady. I can't do it." It's annoying. She doesn't come visit or call to check on us. She makes us feel like our family has to do everything for her -- while she claims she's "independent."

This has been an issue for a while and I'm sick of it. I suggested she do her grocery shopping online and have it delivered to her house. Once again, she gave the same excuse.

I think she needs a man so I can have my husband back. What do you think? -- OVER IT IN PHILADELPHIA

DEAR OVER IT: From the tone of your last remark it's clear you and your mother-in-law aren't close and probably never were. Philadelphia has a very large transit system. Surely there is alternate transportation for her -- buses, taxis, Uber and Lyft come to mind. If she was so traumatized by the accident that she's afraid to get behind the wheel again, she may need a therapist to overcome it.

Whatever the reason, this won't stop until you and your husband quit enabling her. Give her a list of what's available and "suggest" she use it the next time she calls wanting a ride. If she needs groceries, offer to order them online for her yourself if she isn't computer literate. And your husband should also offer to help her find a new car.

Family & Parenting
life

Finding Playmate for Daughter Is the Wrong Reason to Adopt

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 7th, 2015 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am a 24-year-old single mother of an amazing 3-year-old girl. I have had more than my share of turmoil with her father. We are no longer together, and he isn't in the picture. Abby, I feel damaged. I'm afraid I will never love again or find anyone to love me the way I need.

My daughter is my shadow. We are literally joined at the hip. She's lonely, always around adults and has no one her age to play with. I really want to have another child. While I may never have the right man to father one, I'd like to save a life and adopt another daughter and playmate for my little girl.

Some people may see me as too young or unable to do it. But the love, care and providing for my child exceed anything I'll ever do in my life. What do you think? -- MATERNAL MIDWESTERNER

DEAR M.M.: To adopt a child for the reason you have stated would be a terrible disservice to an innocent child. If you want your little girl to learn to make friends with other children, then enroll her in day care, where she will be exposed to some.

As to your feeling that you are damaged and will never find love again, many women feel as you do after a bad breakup. Most of them heal, learn from their experience and go on to have fulfilling lives. In your case, it may take the help of a therapist to find your self-confidence again. But trust me, it can be done. Another child is not the answer to what's ailing you right now.

Family & ParentingLove & Dating
life

Doctor's Visit Reveals Sister's Subterfuge

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 7th, 2015 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My 35-year-old sister accompanied me to see the doctor because I told her I have been having thoughts of harming myself. While we were there, the doctor expressed concern about the amount of strong prescription painkillers I have been taking. He brought up my record, and it showed I have picked up this medication four times in the last month.

Abby, my sister has been getting these pills, not me! In the past, she ordered them and picked them up for me when I was unable to do it myself, but I had no idea she has been collecting more in my name until today. I didn't want to get her in trouble, so I didn't admit the truth to the doctor, but then he started to insist that my sister keep any medications I have under lock and key "in case I decide to harm myself."

I don't know what to do. She made me promise not to tell anyone, and I don't want to get her into trouble. (She's training to be a nurse and this could get her kicked out of the course.) Please help. -- ANXIOUS IN ENGLAND

DEAR ANXIOUS: Straighten this out with your doctor immediately! Do not try to "protect" your sister. There are programs for health care workers who become addicted to drugs, and she needs to get into one right now. If you need medications, you will have to arrange for someone other than your sister to dole them out -- another relative, a friend, pharmacist, whomever. Your doctor may be able to suggest someone.

AddictionHealth & SafetyMental HealthFamily & Parenting

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