DEAR ABBY: My 60-year-old son, "Martin," is an accomplished litigation attorney, handsome and opinionated, but kind and attentive to me. (I am a widow.)

Unfortunately, he's a terrible driver and always has been. Sometimes I think he has a death wish the way he drives. He speeds, texts, phones, and looks away from the road to talk to passengers in the car. I can't understand how a man of his intelligence can be so reckless with his life and the lives of others. He's a husband, father and grandfather.

I hate to drive anywhere with Martin, even though he invites me to come along to various events. He doesn't take kindly to criticism, and when I say he's going too fast, he gets defensive. He just doesn't get it. He thinks he's invincible.

I'm not the most tactful person, but I'm running out of excuses for why I don't want him to pick me up. I do drive, so I say, "I'll meet you there," but it's getting old.

How do I tell my son I no longer want him to drive me? How can I make him understand how serious his bad driving habits are? I'm not afraid of dying at my age, but I'd rather not die in an auto accident. -- DISTRAUGHT MAMA IN FLORIDA

DEAR DISTRAUGHT MAMA: Stop making excuses with your son. Tell your son how much you love him. Then tell him the truth -- that his driving makes you afraid not only for your own safety, but also for him and his family.

If he becomes defensive, let him rant, and when he runs out of breath, go on to say that this is the reason that, while you deeply appreciate his invitations, from now on you will be arranging your own transportation. Do not be unpleasant about it, but don't be dissuaded.

DEAR ABBY: My "fiance" and I have been together for 10 years. I say "fiance" in quotes because although he has given me a ring and popped the question, we don't talk about planning a wedding. Every time I try, it gets me nowhere, but this isn't the problem I'm writing you about.

He has never been the type to attend my family functions. He will come on the major holidays, but even then it's a fight. I have reached the point that I no longer ask him to join me, but then I have to make up some kind of excuse for him. I've had enough of it.

Recently, when I have mentioned my family, he has started going off about what he doesn't like about them. It's getting worse, and it puts me in a tough spot. What is the best way to handle this? -- STRESSED OUT IN ILLINOIS

DEAR STRESSED: You would be wise to realize that at some point you may have to make a choice between your "fiance" and your family. Take into consideration that you have devoted 10 years of your life to someone who has given you a ring and a promise, but who has shown no signs of being willing to follow through.

Since you asked, I think the best way for you to handle it would be to cut your losses and choose your family.

DEAR ABBY: I am recently divorced. For financial reasons, as well as to be nice, I have allowed my ex-wife, "Cathy," and her daughter to live in our home with me and my kids. Cathy has her own bedroom and bathroom.

The subject of my living arrangements came up recently while I was on a date, and the woman immediately freaked out. She angrily informed me that I should have told her my ex-wife was living with me when we started talking. I felt it was something that could wait, at least past the first date. Despite the fact that we were married, Cathy and I are nothing more than roommates now.

When is it too late in a new relationship to divulge this arrangement? -- JOHN IN KENTUCKY

DEAR JOHN: You did nothing wrong. It is not unheard of for divorced couples to continue living together for financial reasons or to assist in co-parenting. If you told the woman about your living arrangement before becoming intimate with her, she had no reason to freak out.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 54-year-old woman with three adult children and three grandchildren. I lost my mother 34 years ago, and my baby sister died 20 years ago.

My dad is 84 and lives alone. Although he was a good provider, he was abusive toward my mother and occasionally toward me and my siblings. Dad and my younger brother do not communicate, period. However, my older sister is a daddy's girl.

I have been married three times, and each man was in some way abusive -- physically, mentally or both. When I reached out to my dad for help, he would respond by telling me, "You're just like your mother, which is why I can't stand being around you sometimes. I wasn't responsible for her feelings, and I'm not responsible for yours."

I live in a three-bedroom bungalow and I tried to help relocate Dad closer. He refused, saying, "If I don't hear from you tomorrow or you die, I'll be OK. I was when your mother died and I will be after you." He has said that and worse to me throughout my life, and I'm afraid to continue contact with him for fear one day his words will break my spirit.

When I have shared this with family, I've been told, "He's all the father you have," or, "You have to pray for him." Please help me. I don't want to pray for him -- I want to stay far away from him. -- CONFLICTED IN OHIO

DEAR CONFLICTED: If you need my permission to move on and have a happy life, you have it, and no one should try to make you feel guilty for your decision. Your father has done enough damage to your soul. You do not have to allow him to hurt or disappoint you again.

Wanting to keep your distance from an abuser is both healthy and understandable. He may be "all the father you have," but the person you have described is a sorry excuse for a human being and not much of a man. You do not have to pray for him, nor do you have to have anything further to do with him.

DEAR ABBY: I have a grandson who is 13. He insists on wearing a hoodie, leather jacket and long jeans no matter what the weather. It is 80 degrees outside today and he's wearing them to a picnic. I have given up arguing with him on this. What gives? -- MYSTIFIED GRANDMA IN WASHINGTON

DEAR MYSTIFIED: Arguing with your grandson is a waste of your time and energy. He's more concerned about the image he wants to project than he is about his comfort. Some lessons have to be learned from experience, and this may be one of them.

DEAR ABBY: I have a 21-year-old son, "Jeremy," who doesn't like me much unless he needs something. I suspect it may have something to do with my tough parenting during his rebellious high school years.

He lives in another state with his girlfriend and their child, who will be a year old. Jeremy cuts off communication with me over the simplest disagreement. When I try to contact him, he won't respond, and it can go on for months. It hurts me, so I back away because I don't know when it might happen again.

Do you have any advice on how I can handle this and be part of Jeremy's and my grandchild's lives? -- RETREATING FROM THE PAIN & STRESS

DEAR RETREATING: Healthy people back away from painful situations, so it's no wonder you're "retreating." What's happening is you are on the receiving end of a dose of passive-aggressive behavior from your angry son. Jeremy's manipulation is hostile and deliberate.

Family therapy might help, if Jeremy and his girlfriend are willing. But as it stands, it appears the only way you will be a part of his (and your grandson's) life may be to buy your way in. However, do not mistake it for respect or affection, or you will only position yourself for more heartache.

DEAR ABBY: What are your thoughts on calling friends or family while they're on vacation?

Last week, my husband and I had a much-needed getaway. While there, I was called several times by a friend who knew I was on vacation. After I ignored several calls, I got a frantic text from her requesting I call back immediately because she was concerned because I wasn't answering. I texted back that I was fine, but on a noisy beach and unable to talk.

When I spoke with her after I returned home, it turned out she had wanted to chat about her boyfriend problems. I let her know that my vacation time is so limited each year that I usually don't check my phone.

I personally think making a non-emergency call to someone on vacation is rude and annoying. Am I right on this? -- DO NOT DISTURB IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR D.N.D.: I think so. That's why vacations are referred to as "getting away from it all."