DEAR ABBY: How do I forgive myself for staying with my husband "for the sake of the kids" and because I was afraid of him? Our children are teenagers now and both suffer from low self-esteem and depression. We lived far away from any family while they were growing up, and I was financially dependent and scared. I realize now that it wasn't the right thing to do.

My husband is trying to do better, but the damage is done. The relationship between our children and their dad is very strained. I don't know how to move forward. Any advice? -- IN PAIN IN WISCONSIN

DEAR IN PAIN: A way for your children to heal some of the damage your husband has caused would be for you to arrange for them to talk with a licensed family counselor.

A way for you to move forward would be to find a job, take your kids and live apart from your abuser. If you haven't already done that, and you are still afraid he might be violent, then you should contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org, 800-799-7233) and ask for help in formulating an escape plan.

DEAR ABBY: Because I'm unemployed, I am currently living with my parents. I am 40, but my mother treats me as if I am an 8-year-old boy. Among other things, she forbids me to leave the house without her permission and considers my room to be a mess she must clean if even a single book is out of place on my desk.

I believe my mother has obsessive-compulsive disorder. I have told her this and recommended she get herself evaluated. She refuses to listen, even after I gave her a month's worth of examples illustrating which of her actions meet the criteria.

I want to remain sane as I try to find employment and a way out of her house. Have you any suggestions? -- GOING MAD IN SOUTH DAKOTA

DEAR GOING MAD: As an adult, you should not have to ask anyone's permission to leave the house. It's time for a man-to-man talk with your father. What does he think of this? Has your mother always been this way? While you're talking with him, bring up the fact that she is showing signs of OCD and see if he can convince her to be evaluated. If she does have it, there are treatments for it and it might greatly benefit their marriage, as well as your relationship with your mother.

DEAR ABBY: My two sons are 30 and 31. Both are married with families of their own. My husband has been their stepdad for 20 years, and a very good one.

Neither of my boys ever remembers their stepdad on his birthday. When I ask why, they say, "Oh, Mom, I'm really bad at remembering stuff like that." Well, this year I intend to "forget" THEIR birthdays so they -- and their wives -- will know how it feels to be forgotten.

Do you think I'm being petty? I think that at their ages, it's time they took responsibility for themselves. -- ON THEIR CASE IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR ON THEIR CASE: I have a better idea. Ask your sons to program your husband's birthday into their electronic devices. With today's technology it is easier than ever to get a reminder about important events. Their wives might thank you for it, because if the "boys" forget their stepdad's birthday, there's a good chance they forget other important days -- like their anniversaries or their wives' birthdays, too.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend has been divorced for two years. She shares custody of her two girls, ages 5 and 6, with her ex. She wants to remain friends with him for the sake of the girls. I have supported her friendly relationship with him despite the repeated lies he tells and the deceptive stories he makes up in an attempt to break us up.

Recently, he decided he wants to take his daughters away for a long weekend. He invited my girlfriend to come along and plans to pay for everything, including a hotel room with two beds they will share. I have said repeatedly that this vacation and the arrangements are a deal breaker for me. She assures me that her intent is to be with her daughters and she has no desire for intimacy with her ex. She refuses to change her mind and says I need to trust her. The fact is, I don't trust HIM based on his actions and many issues between them in the past.

Am I paranoid or obsessing over this? I'd appreciate your input. -- UNEASY DOWN SOUTH

DEAR UNEASY: You are neither obsessing nor paranoid. You are normal. Because the ex seems intent on breaking you up and he seems to have no girlfriend in the picture, you have a right to feel uneasy. (I'm assuming that your lady friend is physically fit and if necessary she could defend her virtue.)

Questions that occur to me are: Why would she want to go away for a long "family" weekend under these circumstances? Why would she insist on it even though she knows it bothers the man with whom she has a relationship? And why, after informing her that this will be a deal breaker -- which is an ultimatum -- are you tolerating it?

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 17-year-old girl about to head off to college. I have a great relationship with my father, but my mother and I are not on the best of terms.

Half the time, she's loving and supportive and willing to spend time with me. Other times, she is verbally and emotionally abusive. She'll call me a failure and a disappointment, and cry for no reason (most likely to get attention).

She has done this since my childhood, and I want to escape her toxicity by shutting her out of my life as an adult. However, she has threatened suicide (she has tried it before).

My father is on her side and says he will refuse contact with me if I disown her. I want to keep them both in my life, but it has become too difficult to endure her abuse anymore. Please help. -- COLLEGE BOUND IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR COLLEGE BOUND: You're an intelligent young woman. I'm sure that by now you have realized that your mother has serious emotional issues for which one can only hope she is receiving professional help.

When you leave for college, you will no longer be subjected to her mood swings or the hurtful comments she makes when she's not herself. Once you have completed your education you will be on your own, and will most likely make a life for yourself wherever your profession takes you. It isn't necessary to make any decisions about cutting anyone out of your life now. Time will take care of your problem.

DEAR ABBY: I moved away from my hometown 18 years ago. At the time, a friend of mine had found out she was HIV-positive. Thankfully, healthwise she's doing well. To look at her you would never know.

We have reconnected, but I have recently learned that she had several relationships in the past and didn't reveal that she was HIV-positive or use protection. She says she "loves" these men, their families and their children. It makes me sick that she's killing them.

Someone called her doctor and he talked to her about it, but she lied and said that she had told them. These men have no idea! What can be done so she quits spreading this disease? -- SHE'S KILLING THEM IN INDIANA

DEAR S.K.T.: I ran your letter by an old and trusted friend, Dr. Mervyn Silverman, former director of health in San Francisco. He asked me to reassure you that if your friend has been under treatment for HIV, her chances of passing it on are far less than they were years ago. He also mentioned that if these men's wives had contracted HIV from their husbands and become pregnant, that their disease would very likely have been discovered.

You need to talk to your friend and explain that this is both a health issue and one of morality. If she's continuing to have unprotected sex with her partners, there is still some potential risk that she could pass along the virus. So if she truly loves anyone but herself, she will get with the program and be honest about her health status.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single mother of two wonderful daughters. I have a fantastic boyfriend, "Roy," who I met when I was pregnant with my second. We have been together for six months and I love him very much.

Unfortunately, he has become mildly controlling and critical. Roy has no children of his own, and he doesn't seem to realize what goes into working, raising children and running a household. Recently, he gave me a promise ring, which I accepted. He's great with the girls and he makes me happy.

My father, however, says that the controlling behavior will only get worse down the road. I think it's because Roy was laid off from work and is having a hard time finding a job. I'm sure once he's working he'll be less focused on me. Who's right, me or my father? -- MOM OF TWO IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR MOM OF TWO: When a couple has been together for only six months, they are usually still in what is referred to as the "honeymoon phase." Has Roy been jobless since you met him? If the layoff is recent, then his change in behavior may be related to his frustration at not being able to find another job.

However, your father not only has a point, he also has more experience than you do. Pay attention to what he's telling you. If Roy becomes increasingly controlling and critical, you'll know your father was right, and you should return that promise ring. So take your time and please don't rush!

DEAR ABBY: I have been a divorcee for 12 years. I haven't dated in more than a decade. I know a man who was widowed a couple of months ago. His wife died in her sleep. I have always been interested in him. When would it be appropriate to approach him? -- INTERESTED IN CHICAGO

DEAR INTERESTED: If I were you, I'd get in line NOW.