DEAR ABBY: My son had an affair that resulted in the birth of a child outside his marriage. The baby is extremely ill. My daughter-in-law has forgiven my son for his infidelity, and along with my two grandchildren, the little family is trying to rebuild and also do right by the baby.

The baby's mother stays in contact with us, although she is bitter and unpleasant to my son because he would not leave his family for her. However, she does keep us abreast of the baby's ongoing medical condition and needs. She confided to me that she got pregnant hoping that my son would finally leave his family.

My question is: How do I handle the relationship we have been forced into with the baby's mother? I need moral guidance, and some kind of etiquette guidance as well. -- MORAL DILEMMA IN GEORGIA

DEAR M.D.: Don't blame the woman for feeling bitter. Her attempt to force your son into leaving his family failed, and she's now responsible for a very sick child. However, that doesn't change the fact that the baby is your grandchild, and she is your grandchild's mother. Treat her with kindness. Don't make things more difficult than they are by being hostile or judgmental. She's paying for this affair and will for many years to come. Remember always that she is manipulative, but treat her with compassion.

DEAR ABBY: I have a good friend I've known for 35 years. I was there for her during some rough times when we were both living paycheck-to-paycheck. Long story short, she's now married to a millionaire, and every time we get together, she insists on picking up the check.

Truthfully, I suppose it makes no sense for me to pay. I get that. Fifty dollars to me is like 50 cents to her. But the last thing I want is for her to feel I'm taking advantage or taking her for granted. Once I did grab the dinner tab, and she really let me have it!

Am I overthinking this? Should I just accept her good fortune and generosity? -- VALUES FRIENDSHIP IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR VALUES FRIENDSHIP: It appears your friend also values friendship and appreciates how precious long-term relationships are. The two of you have a lot of shared history, and that kind of friendship isn't easy to replicate.

I do think you should accept her generosity, but I also think you should share your feelings with her so she can put your mind at ease. If it will make you feel less indebted, consider giving her an occasional gift. It doesn't have to be expensive, just thoughtful.

DEAR ABBY: What are the best words to use when you realize the psychotherapist you recently began therapy with isn't the right one for you? Should the words be said in person, over the phone in his voicemail or in writing? I want to get this over with as soon as possible and start looking for someone who may better suit me and my issues. -- LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT ONE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR LOOKING: The words are, "This isn't working for me, and I won't be coming back." Be sure to tell the person why. Your message can be conveyed face-to-face, left as a phone message or be put in writing. The choice is yours.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married 40 years, and it's just the two of us. I work full time and make a good living. We have a large house in a great neighborhood.

My problem is my wife. She hasn't worked throughout almost all of our marriage and has to be the laziest person I know. We haven't slept in the same bed for 20 years. She weighs 300 pounds and is always going to diet, but never really does.

She sleeps in her own bedroom with a huge walk-in closet piled up to the top shelf with nice items she refuses to put away. She also has a separate bathroom and living room.

Her section of the house is a pigsty. It stinks to high heaven because she never gets around to cleaning it. The kitchen is worse. She never cooks a meal. Either I do it after cleaning up, or I live off TV dinners.

When it comes to our finances, we're up to our eyeballs in debt. She spends money like it grows on trees. If I ask a simple question, her replies are mean and sarcastic. I would have gotten a divorce a long time ago if I could afford one.

I'm a reasonably good-looking guy. I could have had an affair ages ago, but I wasn't brought up that way. Don't bother saying she should get counseling. According to her, she has no problems.

I am so tired of living the way I do, I could just cry if I thought it would do any good. What do you think? -- BUMMED OUT IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR BUMMED OUT: If your wife is happy living this way, she may be right. She isn't the person with the problem -- you are.

Although she may not be open to counseling, you should have some to help you understand why you have tolerated this one-sided arrangement for 20 years. You say you may not be able to afford a divorce, but if what's driving you to the poorhouse is your free-spending spouse, it would also be in your interest to consult an attorney to find out if it's possible to break that cycle.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a happy, well-adjusted only child who shares and gets along well with others. But a few family members continually comment that they are "surprised" he has these characteristics since he's an only child. They make negative remarks about only children in general and act as though he suffers because he doesn't have siblings.

When they visit, they seem surprised that entertaining multiple people in our home with their children doesn't upset us and isn't unusual. I point out that I have friends who are only children who are happy, well-adjusted, successful adults, yet these relatives continue to make hurtful comments.

At Christmas my sister remarked that she doesn't feel we are a "real" family because we only have one child. I found it hurtful that this intelligent woman would say such a thing. What is the best way to respond to these remarks? I feel like I need to educate, as well as inform them that they need to stop hurting me. -- HAPPY WITH ONE

DEAR HAPPY WITH ONE: A quick start on your road to recovery would be to recognize that the relatives may make those snarky comments because they are jealous. The next time you receive what you interpret to be a criticism because of the size of your small family, tell these people you heard them the first time they made their tasteless remark, and not to repeat it again.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 19 and I got married six months ago to the love of my life! We have a great relationship despite how young we are. There's one problem though: my husband's job.

His shift is 11 a.m. to 7:30 p.m., six days a week, and when he is not working, he's sleeping, so he has no time for me at all and it's killing our marriage. We spend maybe eight hours together a week. I'm feeling extremely alone.

I know it's not his fault because he has to keep this job to support us, but the very thing that is supporting us is tearing us apart. What do I do? Please help. -- LONELY MARRIED WOMAN

DEAR LONELY: With the schedule your husband is working, you should have time in the mornings and evenings to spend with each other -- plus Sundays. However, if your days are spent sitting around at home, then what you need to do is find an activity to fill your lonely hours. You could take some classes, find a job and help out with the finances, or meet him for lunch. If that's not possible, look around for volunteer opportunities in your community. Worthwhile organizations can always use a helping hand.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend from college asked me to be in her wedding, and I was excited and happy to agree. Unfortunately, her wedding falls on the same weekend as my older sister's. Due to the distance and other family obligations, I won't be able to attend my sister "Sara's" wedding. Sara has been understanding about it, but she is upset.

I want to be as helpful as possible with the planning and preparation process as Sara is now down one bridesmaid, but I am unsure how best to do it. Is it proper to still participate in all of the bridal party activities, planning the shower, throwing a bachelorette party, etc., even though I cannot attend the ceremony? Should I try to travel there the weekend before to help with any last-second preparations for the ceremony? -- DOUBLE-BOOKED BRIDESMAID

DEAR DOUBLE-BOOKED: I don't blame Sara for being upset. The relationship between sisters is supposed to last a lifetime. On the other hand, the bonds of friendship can loosen as years pass, and often do.

Frankly, I think you made the wrong choice in deciding which wedding to participate in -- and in the interest of family harmony, you should do for your friend what you would like to do for your sister.

DEAR ABBY: I like to wear a suit and tie to a church where most people dress casually. It doesn't matter to me how others dress, and I have good reasons for my choice in attire. But sometimes I hear seemingly judgmental comments about my clothing. What would be a good reaction and reply to such comments? -- JEFF IN FULLERTON, CALIF.

DEAR JEFF: People who make judgmental comments about your attire are not worth the effort. I'd advise against getting into a spitting contest with a viper, because it might mess up your suit.

TO MY READERS: Have a happy, healthy and safe Fourth of July, everyone! -- LOVE, ABBY