DEAR ABBY: I have been married 40 years, and it's just the two of us. I work full time and make a good living. We have a large house in a great neighborhood.

My problem is my wife. She hasn't worked throughout almost all of our marriage and has to be the laziest person I know. We haven't slept in the same bed for 20 years. She weighs 300 pounds and is always going to diet, but never really does.

She sleeps in her own bedroom with a huge walk-in closet piled up to the top shelf with nice items she refuses to put away. She also has a separate bathroom and living room.

Her section of the house is a pigsty. It stinks to high heaven because she never gets around to cleaning it. The kitchen is worse. She never cooks a meal. Either I do it after cleaning up, or I live off TV dinners.

When it comes to our finances, we're up to our eyeballs in debt. She spends money like it grows on trees. If I ask a simple question, her replies are mean and sarcastic. I would have gotten a divorce a long time ago if I could afford one.

I'm a reasonably good-looking guy. I could have had an affair ages ago, but I wasn't brought up that way. Don't bother saying she should get counseling. According to her, she has no problems.

I am so tired of living the way I do, I could just cry if I thought it would do any good. What do you think? -- BUMMED OUT IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR BUMMED OUT: If your wife is happy living this way, she may be right. She isn't the person with the problem -- you are.

Although she may not be open to counseling, you should have some to help you understand why you have tolerated this one-sided arrangement for 20 years. You say you may not be able to afford a divorce, but if what's driving you to the poorhouse is your free-spending spouse, it would also be in your interest to consult an attorney to find out if it's possible to break that cycle.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a happy, well-adjusted only child who shares and gets along well with others. But a few family members continually comment that they are "surprised" he has these characteristics since he's an only child. They make negative remarks about only children in general and act as though he suffers because he doesn't have siblings.

When they visit, they seem surprised that entertaining multiple people in our home with their children doesn't upset us and isn't unusual. I point out that I have friends who are only children who are happy, well-adjusted, successful adults, yet these relatives continue to make hurtful comments.

At Christmas my sister remarked that she doesn't feel we are a "real" family because we only have one child. I found it hurtful that this intelligent woman would say such a thing. What is the best way to respond to these remarks? I feel like I need to educate, as well as inform them that they need to stop hurting me. -- HAPPY WITH ONE

DEAR HAPPY WITH ONE: A quick start on your road to recovery would be to recognize that the relatives may make those snarky comments because they are jealous. The next time you receive what you interpret to be a criticism because of the size of your small family, tell these people you heard them the first time they made their tasteless remark, and not to repeat it again.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 19 and I got married six months ago to the love of my life! We have a great relationship despite how young we are. There's one problem though: my husband's job.

His shift is 11 a.m. to 7:30 p.m., six days a week, and when he is not working, he's sleeping, so he has no time for me at all and it's killing our marriage. We spend maybe eight hours together a week. I'm feeling extremely alone.

I know it's not his fault because he has to keep this job to support us, but the very thing that is supporting us is tearing us apart. What do I do? Please help. -- LONELY MARRIED WOMAN

DEAR LONELY: With the schedule your husband is working, you should have time in the mornings and evenings to spend with each other -- plus Sundays. However, if your days are spent sitting around at home, then what you need to do is find an activity to fill your lonely hours. You could take some classes, find a job and help out with the finances, or meet him for lunch. If that's not possible, look around for volunteer opportunities in your community. Worthwhile organizations can always use a helping hand.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend from college asked me to be in her wedding, and I was excited and happy to agree. Unfortunately, her wedding falls on the same weekend as my older sister's. Due to the distance and other family obligations, I won't be able to attend my sister "Sara's" wedding. Sara has been understanding about it, but she is upset.

I want to be as helpful as possible with the planning and preparation process as Sara is now down one bridesmaid, but I am unsure how best to do it. Is it proper to still participate in all of the bridal party activities, planning the shower, throwing a bachelorette party, etc., even though I cannot attend the ceremony? Should I try to travel there the weekend before to help with any last-second preparations for the ceremony? -- DOUBLE-BOOKED BRIDESMAID

DEAR DOUBLE-BOOKED: I don't blame Sara for being upset. The relationship between sisters is supposed to last a lifetime. On the other hand, the bonds of friendship can loosen as years pass, and often do.

Frankly, I think you made the wrong choice in deciding which wedding to participate in -- and in the interest of family harmony, you should do for your friend what you would like to do for your sister.

DEAR ABBY: I like to wear a suit and tie to a church where most people dress casually. It doesn't matter to me how others dress, and I have good reasons for my choice in attire. But sometimes I hear seemingly judgmental comments about my clothing. What would be a good reaction and reply to such comments? -- JEFF IN FULLERTON, CALIF.

DEAR JEFF: People who make judgmental comments about your attire are not worth the effort. I'd advise against getting into a spitting contest with a viper, because it might mess up your suit.

TO MY READERS: Have a happy, healthy and safe Fourth of July, everyone! -- LOVE, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: I have been with "Tom" for two years, and I suspect that he will be proposing soon. He is 27 and I'm 24. Here's the problem: He wants our parents to meet before he asks.

Abby, I have put this off because I'm sure they will have nothing in common. My parents are small-business owners and conservative. His parents are pot-smoking swingers -- literally.

How do I prepare my parents (and myself) for what I expect to be a tense and uncomfortable meeting? Should I suggest talking points? Should I fill my parents in on what is to come? I want this to go as smoothly as possible. I would appreciate any wisdom you may have. -- NO WORDS ON THE WEST COAST

DEAR NO WORDS: Your dilemma reminds me of the plot from the movie "Meet the Fockers."

I'm sure the one thing your parents will have in common is a desire for you and your boyfriend to be happy together. Building on that, you and Tom should talk to your folks and prepare them for the encounter. Trying to hide or minimize their differences would do no good because they will soon become obvious. Do not waste your time or energy preparing "talking points" for Tom's parents, because if they show up stoned, they probably wouldn't be able to remember them.

DEAR ABBY: Three months ago, my sister "Diane" said she would like to get the family together for some professional family photos. The photographer she chose was available only on one particular day. Unfortunately, my husband couldn't get off from work that day.

Diane then suggested we take the pictures without him. I said it was inappropriate and refused. When I asked if we could use a different photographer at another time, my sister told me to forget the whole thing.

Today I was visiting my parents and I saw the family photos -- taken without me, my husband and our child. I had no idea they had gone ahead and taken the pictures without us. I am angry and hurt. I'm especially mad at my mom because she knew how bothered I was that Diane suggested excluding my husband.

Am I justified in feeling this way? Should they have waited until the whole family was able to get together? Or should I suck it up and not expect everyone to accommodate my husband's work schedule? -- OUT OF THE PICTURE IN HOUSTON

DEAR OUT OF THE PICTURE: Yes, yes and yes.

DEAR ABBY: Until my daughter was 18, we did all the traditional birthday celebrations. On her 18th birthday, she turned the tables saying, although she was born on that day, I had done all the work of giving her life.

Now, at her request, we spend her special day celebrating each other. She takes me to dinner and buys me flowers, and I let her. And now on my special day, I do the same for my own mother.

This has become a tradition, and my grandchildren now follow it. The only gift necessary is the time we give each other. -- APPRECIATED IN IDAHO

DEAR APPRECIATED: I like your daughter's idea very much. It makes perfect sense to me. In my opinion, what makes any holiday special is the time people who care about one another spend celebrating together.