DEAR ABBY: I am responding to "Tired of Talking to Myself" (Feb. 13), whose husband's ears slam shut when she begins to speak. This is not a problem that's exclusive to men. Women do it as well. As a retired PA (physician's assistant), when talking with patients, I would refer to it as selective hearing loss.

"Tired" needs to look at her own behavior because I have never seen one partner be the only guilty one. My wife can hear the ticking of the turn signal that wasn't turned off, but she doesn't always hear my questions or statements.

There are many reasons why it happens, but the way to resolve it is to listen when your partner talks to you. If you do, you will find that he/she returns the courtesy. Perhaps if "Tired" gives a closer look to her own behavior, she'll stop referring to it as a male problem. -- FRANK IN PORTLAND, TEXAS

DEAR FRANK: Thanks for your letter. When I asked readers for input, they heard me loud and clear and gave me an "earful":

DEAR ABBY: Focus is a strength for many men like me. I am a little hard of hearing and need to focus on what I am listening to. If you want open ears, hold my hands and make sure I am looking at your face. You will now have my attention. Tell me what you want from me. I want you to be happy and will do what I can for you. -- A LITTLE HARD OF HEARING (CHUCK)

DEAR ABBY: Some researchers say women speak about 13,000 more words a day than men do. There's a joke that explains it's because we have to say everything twice! -- JENNY IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR ABBY: Men have no patience. They only want to hear a brief, straight-to-the-point version. Women tend to tell the story from beginning to end with every detail explained so nothing is misunderstood. When men hear us talk, they will say all they hear is blah, blah, blah. "Tired," if you try to be patient and use the abridged version, maybe communication will get easier with fewer repeats. -- HEIDI IN FLORIDA

DEAR ABBY: I wonder what kind of things she's saying to him. There's a saying I have found to be true: "Men marry women and hope they never change. Women marry men and hope they will change."

I have been married for 35 years and recently my wife has started pointing out every little thing I do that she thinks I should do differently. I have reached the point that when she starts one of her observations, I say, "Could you add it to your list and put it somewhere?" and that's the end of the conversation. Nit-picking does not make for a great marriage. -- TIM IN ARIZONA

DEAR ABBY: There are three words men always respond to: sex, food and money -- not always in that order. Use one of those words when talking to them and you'll always get a response. -- BETH IN THE SOUTH

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Meg," was sexually abused at the age of 3 by her father 25 years ago. "Emile" and I were divorced, but he had every other weekend visitation. After returning from one visit, she said, "Daddy put his finger in there. It hurt. I cried." Her words forever changed my life.

After we made countless trips to the children's hospital and numerous therapists, a judge allowed supervised visitation. It happened again, but Emile told the judge he was "putting medicine on her." He remarried shortly after and lost interest in Meg and her brother, "Ian," which was a blessing to me, but he'd visit with them occasionally.

Emile spent years belittling me and telling lies to the kids about me, but I stayed busy with two jobs and raised them by myself. Meg has no relationship with her father, but her brother does.

Ian is now expecting a child and knows nothing about the abuse his sister suffered. I have tried raising the subject with Meg, but she won't discuss it. I'm afraid if I tell Ian, it will cause a breach in our relationship and I'm not sure he would believe me. But how do I not tell him? Please advise me. -- WORRIED SICK IN LOUISIANA

DEAR WORRIED SICK: Sit your son and his spouse down and tell them everything. They need to know what Grandpa-to-be is capable of. Because it has been kept a secret for so long, it's sure to be a shock, so don't be surprised if they react with disbelief. If they want proof, show them any court records or other documents you may have. Whatever happens after that, your conscience should be clear, because you will have done your duty as a mother, and they will have been given fair warning.

DEAR ABBY: Six months ago I ran across an ad from a woman in prison who was looking for a pen pal. Having served time in the past, I know how it feels to be locked up and wanting contact with the outside world, be it friends, family, etc. I wrote her and she wrote back, and we exchanged pictures.

I am twice her age. I tried to get permission to visit her but was denied because I had served prior jail time. Our communication has been emails, letters and phone calls. I buy her things, and she is appreciative of everything I have done for her.

She says she wants to be with me when she gets out, which is not far off, and I'd love for it to happen, but I don't know how my daughters will react because she's their age. Right now it's friendship, but I know it could quickly evolve into love. I have prayed about it. All the signs keep saying we are good for each other. Abby, what to do? -- A GENERATION OLDER

DEAR G.O.: If you can, find out from the warden what the woman is incarcerated for. (Could it have been for conning people? Armed robbery?) Close your wallet and see how your "pen" pal reacts, because you may not be her only benefactor.

After she has been released, there's no guarantee your relationship will evolve into love. In fact, she could have a change of heart about committing to someone who's old enough to be her father. Please stop and look both ways before proceeding further.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to the same man for 20 years. He likes having people around all the time, and because he is a minister, we often can't avoid it. I have tried to accommodate his friends and hangers-on, but lately it's becoming unbearable. He will say "yes" to people who have been evicted, and I find myself sharing living quarters with perfect strangers or church members without prior notice.

I have tried over the years to make sense of his attitude toward me (also toward those he's offered help). I feel he cares for others and what they think of him more than what I feel or think. When I complain about his latest live-in's attitude -- or anything -- he brushes every issue aside and basically tells me to be a good Christian.

Right now, we have a family of three sharing our three-room house with us and our three boys. I'm thinking of leaving him when the youngest one is 13. I don't want to hurt my kids. How can I explain to them that their "nice" dad is unreasonable and irresponsible with money, and I can't bear it anymore? -- REACHED MY LIMIT IN NIGERIA

DEAR REACHED: I suspect your problems "come with the territory" of being married to a minister. But a caring husband would respect and consult his wife before inviting houseguests into their home.

If you finally decide you are so unhappy you need to leave, be honest with your sons. The way you have expressed your reasons to me are clear and well stated. Because they have grown up with things always having been this way, they may think it is normal. Or, you may find they agree with you.

DEAR ABBY: I am a young woman who proposed to my high school sweetheart after graduating from college. It may seem odd for a woman to do, but I initiated our relationship in high school and then attended an all-women's college. Suffice it to say, he said he wasn't going to be the "one."

I can't understand why he rejected me, and I don't know what to do now. I thought I was making a sound decision choosing my friend because he is an engineer. Could it be that he doesn't regard me as a good enough partner because I have an art degree, or could it be insecurity on his part?

I can't imagine why he doesn't want to marry at this stage in life. We are 23. We were together for four years, and for both of us, this was our longest relationship. Part of me wonders, if I change, will he change his mind? Or does this seem like a hopeless case? -- JANE DOE IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR JANE: If you would like to know his reasons for not accepting your proposal, the person you must ask is him. While you feel ready to make a lifetime commitment, your boyfriend apparently hasn't reached that stage of life.

I know you're disappointed, but life doesn't always go the way we predict it will. (Sometimes it turns out even better!) So please don't try to change yourself to accommodate someone who is emotionally unavailable. You could twist yourself into a pretzel, but it wouldn't work because you aren't the problem. Accept it and move on.