DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Meg," was sexually abused at the age of 3 by her father 25 years ago. "Emile" and I were divorced, but he had every other weekend visitation. After returning from one visit, she said, "Daddy put his finger in there. It hurt. I cried." Her words forever changed my life.

After we made countless trips to the children's hospital and numerous therapists, a judge allowed supervised visitation. It happened again, but Emile told the judge he was "putting medicine on her." He remarried shortly after and lost interest in Meg and her brother, "Ian," which was a blessing to me, but he'd visit with them occasionally.

Emile spent years belittling me and telling lies to the kids about me, but I stayed busy with two jobs and raised them by myself. Meg has no relationship with her father, but her brother does.

Ian is now expecting a child and knows nothing about the abuse his sister suffered. I have tried raising the subject with Meg, but she won't discuss it. I'm afraid if I tell Ian, it will cause a breach in our relationship and I'm not sure he would believe me. But how do I not tell him? Please advise me. -- WORRIED SICK IN LOUISIANA

DEAR WORRIED SICK: Sit your son and his spouse down and tell them everything. They need to know what Grandpa-to-be is capable of. Because it has been kept a secret for so long, it's sure to be a shock, so don't be surprised if they react with disbelief. If they want proof, show them any court records or other documents you may have. Whatever happens after that, your conscience should be clear, because you will have done your duty as a mother, and they will have been given fair warning.

DEAR ABBY: Six months ago I ran across an ad from a woman in prison who was looking for a pen pal. Having served time in the past, I know how it feels to be locked up and wanting contact with the outside world, be it friends, family, etc. I wrote her and she wrote back, and we exchanged pictures.

I am twice her age. I tried to get permission to visit her but was denied because I had served prior jail time. Our communication has been emails, letters and phone calls. I buy her things, and she is appreciative of everything I have done for her.

She says she wants to be with me when she gets out, which is not far off, and I'd love for it to happen, but I don't know how my daughters will react because she's their age. Right now it's friendship, but I know it could quickly evolve into love. I have prayed about it. All the signs keep saying we are good for each other. Abby, what to do? -- A GENERATION OLDER

DEAR G.O.: If you can, find out from the warden what the woman is incarcerated for. (Could it have been for conning people? Armed robbery?) Close your wallet and see how your "pen" pal reacts, because you may not be her only benefactor.

After she has been released, there's no guarantee your relationship will evolve into love. In fact, she could have a change of heart about committing to someone who's old enough to be her father. Please stop and look both ways before proceeding further.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to the same man for 20 years. He likes having people around all the time, and because he is a minister, we often can't avoid it. I have tried to accommodate his friends and hangers-on, but lately it's becoming unbearable. He will say "yes" to people who have been evicted, and I find myself sharing living quarters with perfect strangers or church members without prior notice.

I have tried over the years to make sense of his attitude toward me (also toward those he's offered help). I feel he cares for others and what they think of him more than what I feel or think. When I complain about his latest live-in's attitude -- or anything -- he brushes every issue aside and basically tells me to be a good Christian.

Right now, we have a family of three sharing our three-room house with us and our three boys. I'm thinking of leaving him when the youngest one is 13. I don't want to hurt my kids. How can I explain to them that their "nice" dad is unreasonable and irresponsible with money, and I can't bear it anymore? -- REACHED MY LIMIT IN NIGERIA

DEAR REACHED: I suspect your problems "come with the territory" of being married to a minister. But a caring husband would respect and consult his wife before inviting houseguests into their home.

If you finally decide you are so unhappy you need to leave, be honest with your sons. The way you have expressed your reasons to me are clear and well stated. Because they have grown up with things always having been this way, they may think it is normal. Or, you may find they agree with you.

DEAR ABBY: I am a young woman who proposed to my high school sweetheart after graduating from college. It may seem odd for a woman to do, but I initiated our relationship in high school and then attended an all-women's college. Suffice it to say, he said he wasn't going to be the "one."

I can't understand why he rejected me, and I don't know what to do now. I thought I was making a sound decision choosing my friend because he is an engineer. Could it be that he doesn't regard me as a good enough partner because I have an art degree, or could it be insecurity on his part?

I can't imagine why he doesn't want to marry at this stage in life. We are 23. We were together for four years, and for both of us, this was our longest relationship. Part of me wonders, if I change, will he change his mind? Or does this seem like a hopeless case? -- JANE DOE IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR JANE: If you would like to know his reasons for not accepting your proposal, the person you must ask is him. While you feel ready to make a lifetime commitment, your boyfriend apparently hasn't reached that stage of life.

I know you're disappointed, but life doesn't always go the way we predict it will. (Sometimes it turns out even better!) So please don't try to change yourself to accommodate someone who is emotionally unavailable. You could twist yourself into a pretzel, but it wouldn't work because you aren't the problem. Accept it and move on.

DEAR ABBY: My only sister, "Carolyn," is getting married in two months. I'm ecstatic for her. She and her girlfriend turned 50 this year, and this is the happiest I have ever seen her. They are perfect together. Carolyn asked me to be her maid of honor and I gladly accepted. I am also decorating for her small wedding and reception.

When I received my wedding invitation last week, I was shocked and saddened. It was addressed to me and my kids only. My significant other, "Greg" (the kids' father), and I were married for 22 years and divorced three years ago. We have had some tough times but did reconcile. Even though we are divorced, we stayed together and never split households.

I have no idea how to tell Greg. I asked Carolyn if excluding Greg had been an oversight, and she said she would just prefer that he not be there. I can respect that, and I don't want to cause any drama or take anything away from her day.

Does this seem appropriate? My feelings are hurt, and I could have used Greg's help with things. How do I tell him he's not invited? -- IN A WEDDING QUANDARY

DEAR QUANDARY: Tell Greg the same way you told me. And after you do, don't be surprised that the relationship Greg has with Carolyn and her wife will be more distant than it has been.

It's possible that when you and Greg divorced, she developed a dislike for him that didn't abate after you reconciled, and it's sad that she chose this occasion to display it. Personally, I think her choice is one she'll regret in the future, but neither you nor I can change it.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a high school student, but it's not easy for me. Studying is hard at home because I just want to goof off after a long day at school. My grades are OK, but I'm worried that if this continues they will slip.

Then there's my eating habits and fitness. My school lunch period starts late in the day, so it's hard to stay satisfied from breakfast. When I get home, I'm still hungry and eat whatever's around, not usually healthy. And sitting all day at school doesn't help my fitness. Recently, I decided to have only a cup of water or soda until dinner, but I'm not sure that's healthy. Exercising at home doesn't happen because I'm either goofing off or doing homework.

Finally, there's my sleep habits. I go to bed at 8 or 9, but I have to wake up at 5 the next morning. How can I have good grades, be fit and be rested while having fun, too? -- MULTI-TASKER IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR MULTI-TASKER: If you arrive home with low energy, put on some walking shoes and go for a walk/jog or do some other form of exercise. When you return home, your mind will be alert. Then, have a piece of fruit with some cheese or a boiled egg. This should hold you until dinner. Water is healthy, and you should be able to drink it in unlimited amounts.

After you have had your snack, get your homework out of the way. If you do, there should be an hour or so in the evening for you to "goof off" before bedtime without feeling guilty.