DEAR ABBY: I'm 38, married for 16 years and the mother of two small children. I was recently diagnosed with ovarian cancer and had a hysterectomy to remove it.

My husband has cheated more than once in the past, and since my recovery I have realized I never forgave him for it. I kept quiet and pretended I didn't know. Now I am bitter, angry and hurt. He goes out and stays out constantly. He does help with the kids, but I know I don't belong here. I know what I want, and it's not this life with him anymore.

I know I can leave at any time, but I feel my children deserve to be raised with both parents in the home since neither of us had that when we were growing up. (My father died. His parents divorced when he was a toddler.) His family has been my family since the beginning of our relationship.

I want my children to grow up thinking marriage is forever and growing old with your partner is great. I want them to have what I did not. If we are civilized and "pretend to be in love," would my children be OK? I'm willing to stay in this marriage until they are old enough and on their own before I walk away.

Will they understand that I sacrificed my happiness for them to live with both parents? I want to be in love and happy, but would rather raise my babies with their father than someone else. Your advice is greatly appreciated. -- WILLING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR WILLING: OK. First, let's talk about your diagnosis and the treatment you had. Being diagnosed with a life-threatening illness can cause anyone to rethink how one has been living one's life. It can cause all sorts of repressed emotions to boil to the surface, causing anger, bitterness and hurt. Before making any life-changing decisions, please talk with your doctor, a marriage counselor and your husband about those feelings.

If you think that staying in an unhappy marriage with a man who goes out and stays out constantly while pretending to be in love would be healthy for your children, I'd be less than honest if I didn't warn you that you would be doing them a disservice. Even if you could pull it off and the kids didn't sense the tension between you and your husband, how do you think they'll feel when they are older and realize what they were led to believe was a happy marriage was a lie?

Because you feel so strongly about raising them with your husband, my advice is to make every effort to clear the air and work out your marital problems with him. That said: It takes two to tango. If he is unwilling to cooperate, all of you might be happier if you separated and agreed to an amicable divorce and shared custody. I'm not saying it would be easy, but it can be done if both parties are willing.

DEAR ABBY: I recently received an invitation to a small wedding that specified the attire to be "dressy casual." I'm thinking of wearing a pair of nice black slacks, a white sweater and a black leather jacket.

Is it appropriate to wear black at a wedding ceremony? And who is the dress code guru who decides these matters? -- DAN ON THE WEST COAST

DEAR DAN: My "dress code guru" for weddings is Emily Post. According to Emily, "dressy casual attire" for men is a seasonal sport coat or blazer and slacks; a dress shirt, casual button-down shirt, open-collar or polo shirt; optional tie and loafers or loafer-style shoes with socks. The rule about not wearing black to a wedding was discarded years ago, and it applied to women -- not men.

DEAR ABBY: My 34-year-old, single, independent son completely ignores me. He won't answer texts, emails, postal mail or phone calls. Weeks and months go by with no meaningful conversation between us.

I am sick of it, and tired of being treated so disrespectfully. I thought I had raised my son to be more thoughtful of others, especially his mother.

I'm ready to put an end to my misery by ignoring him back and "forgetting" holidays. That may not seem motherly, but I'm weary of trying to get him to be more responsive. Any suggestions? -- IGNORED MOM IN ATLANTA

DEAR IGNORED MOM: I don't know how often you have been calling, emailing, texting and writing to your son, but from what you have written, it might be a relief to both of you if you stop -- at least for a while. If he notices the silence and reaches out, you can discuss the reason for it then.

However, if he doesn't, you will have to accept that for whatever reason, this is the way he wants it. And if that's the case, it is important that you concentrate on your relationships with friends and other family members (if there are any) and activities that bring you happiness because, clearly, your relationship with your son does not.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter just got engaged and is beginning to plan her wedding. Her fiance has been married before, but she hasn't. She wants a band at the reception and he wants a D.J. (which he had at his first wedding). My husband is paying for the entire affair, and he and I support our daughter in this.

I know this seems like a small thing, but her fiance is really digging in his heels. Would it be wrong for her to pull the "this is my one and only wedding" card? This fight seems ridiculous to us. What do you think? -- PARENTS OF THE BRIDE

DEAR PARENTS: I'm glad you asked. I think that if your daughter goes that route, it may not be her one and only wedding. And I urge you and your husband to stay out of it and let the two lovebirds resolve this for themselves.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are retired, so we both contribute to household chores. There are no rules as to who does what, but somehow everything gets done.

The disagreement we're having relates to laundry. When I do it, the last steps are: Remove the clothes from the dryer, place them on top, then sort, fold and put away.

My wife claims that taking the clothes out of the dryer and placing them on top creates wrinkles, and what I really need to do is take one item out of the dryer, fold it, and then repeat until the dryer is empty, sorting as I go. I maintain that this does not seem logical.

There is no data to back her claim, and all it does is make extra work for me. I would appreciate your thoughts. -- FLUFF AND FOLD

DEAR F AND F: When clothes are removed from the dryer and tossed in a pile, wrinkles can set in. However, if the garments are removed individually and then folded or hung up, they remain wrinkle-free.

DEAR ABBY: I have had a very strained relationship with my father for many years. My mother and I are not close because she was incarcerated for most of my life until recently.

I am 16 now, and just found out I'm pregnant. No one knows except the father of my child. For some reason, he is thrilled for us. I, on the other hand, am terrified of the uncertainties.

I know what my father will say. He will want me to get an abortion, but I would never choose that for myself or for my baby. My mother is struggling since she was released from prison and is still trying to get on her feet. I live with my grandparents, who don't have the means to support a child.

It seems like my only option is to move in with my boyfriend and his family while I finish school and then get a job. Please give me an unbiased perspective. -- UNCERTAIN IN THE SOUTH

DEAR UNCERTAIN: You appear to be an intelligent young woman, so I will give it to you straight. Although you think you know what your father will say, you can't know for sure until you talk to him and tell him what's going on. I'm advising you to do that because you may need his help. A loving father will give it to you. If you decide to have this baby, he can't force you to get an abortion.

You and your baby's father should also talk to his parents, so that, if necessary, you will be able to stay with them. You must also be sure to have the best prenatal care possible, so your child will be born healthy. Planned Parenthood has clinics where this care is offered, and you should contact it as soon as possible. If you check its website, www.plannedparenthood.org, you will also find information about adoption.

You must also make earning your high school diploma a priority, so you will be able to support and educate the child you're bringing into the world, if you decide to raise him or her yourself.

DEAR ABBY: I physically assaulted a male friend (Aiden) who I was -- and still am -- interested in. I'm a survivor of domestic violence and have a troubled past. I have sworn not to touch alcohol, and shared with him some of the horror stories regarding what happens when I drink.

A few weeks ago, I hosted a mutual friend's birthday party at my house. Long story short, Aiden suggested I take a shot. I was unwilling at first, but finally agreed to a birthday toast. After that toast, things are blurry for me. According to other friends at the party, I went crazy.

I want so bad to tell Aiden that I know what I did was unacceptable, but I know he may never see or speak to me again. As someone who has lived through being abused, I know this is a very difficult thing to ever forgive. How can I even look him in the eye if he ever speaks to me again? -- SORRY BEYOND WORDS

DEAR SORRY: Recognizing the part that Aiden played in what happened might help. You described your past and warned him about what happens when you have a drink. Knowing that, he never should have suggested you have an alcoholic beverage to make the birthday toast.

If your paths cross, stand up straight and say you're sorry. But frankly, he owes you an apology, too.