DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have two daughters whom we have taught to use good manners. We are proud that they always remember to use their "pleases" and "thank yous" and many people have commented how polite they are.

My problem is the majority of their friends have little to no manners at all. They never thank me when we carpool places or take them out for lunch or dinner. I rarely hear "yes, please" when I offer food or beverages at my home. Even my daughters say it at home!

Should I correct their behavior by asking them "What's the magic word?" Should I tell them I want them to use their manners when they are with me? Should I speak to the parents about it? Or am I expecting too much? -- MANNERS MAVEN

DEAR MANNERS MAVEN: I'm sorry you didn't mention how old your daughters' friends are, but if they are over the age of 10, I recommend against asking, "What's the magic word?" It would be more diplomatic to talk to the girls privately and convey your message.

If you prefer they use better manners in your home, it is your right to say that to them. However, if you call the parents, the parents may think you are criticizing their parenting skills (and they wouldn't be wrong).

As to whether you are expecting too much, frankly, you may be. Sadly, adults who never learned good manners themselves can't pass them on to their children.

DEAR ABBY: About a year ago, I loaned a small amount of money to a close friend I have known since childhood. She promised to pay me back, but has yet to do so. I wasn't too concerned because it was a minimal amount, but a few months ago she asked to borrow a larger amount. Again, I didn't hesitate to help her out because she has been there for me several times in the past in important ways -- although they weren't financial.

Because the recent loan was a large one, I would like to be repaid. How do I tactfully ask her for the money without seeming petty or like I'm nagging? (I don't like confrontation.) And is it too late to ask that the previous smaller amount be included as well? -- FRIEND, NOT AN ATM

DEAR FRIEND: You don't have to be confrontational, and I wouldn't advise it anyway. In light of the fact that your friend has made no effort to repay the first loan for an entire year, it would be neither pushy nor nagging to ask when she intends to start. If she can't come up with the entire amount, perhaps she can repay a little each month. However, if she can't/won't start paying you back, you may have to accept that you won't be getting any of your money.

In the future, you should not lend anyone money without first getting a signed note stating that the money is owed to you and when it will be repaid. That way, if necessary, you can take the matter to court and have a leg to stand on when you get there.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl, and my friend "Leah" is out of control. She has been going down the wrong path since sixth grade. She is what people call "emo."

She has attempted to end her life more than once. She has sex with lots of boys older than her and has issues with drugs and cutting. She was abused until she was 5 and then adopted. She doesn't seem to have any morals.

She says she wants to become a serial killer and a prostitute when she grows up. She also wants to have a baby in the near future. Leah has borderline personality disorder and probably some others. I have tried talking to her about what she's doing to herself, but she sees nothing wrong with her destructive behavior.

I want Leah to get help before she winds up raped, in prison, or on death row, or becomes a teen mother on the streets. I don't want her to become another number, another statistic. What should I do? Who do I call -- the police, social services, a hotline? -- SCARED FOR LEAH

DEAR SCARED: Your friend appears to be a very troubled and angry girl. If she thinks that by becoming a prostitute or a killer she will be able to assert control in her life where she has none, she's sadly mistaken.

You say she has borderline personality disorder. If that's true, it must have been diagnosed by a licensed psychotherapist. Frankly, I don't think this is anything you can -- or should -- handle on your own.

If your mother doesn't know what's going on, please tell her so she can alert Leah's mother and Leah can return to her therapist. However, if that's not possible, tell a counselor at school what you have told me so Leah can receive more treatment before she hurts herself or someone else.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and have planned our first vacation together. We decided to split the expenses 50/50.

Last week, he announced that he has invited his sister and her boyfriend to go along and stay with us in the apartment we rented. Not only was I shocked that he would invite them without checking with me first, I became upset when he said he wasn't asking them to pitch in any money. Normally I'm not stingy when it comes to sharing, but I'm angry and I wonder if I'm overreacting.

His mother died last year, and his sister is the only family he has left, which he tends to remind me of to make me feel guilty. How should I react to this? -- AMBER IN TEXAS

DEAR AMBER: Tell your boyfriend that out of consideration for you, he should have cleared it with you before inviting anyone to come along. When he tries to make you feel guilty by reminding you that his sister is all the family he has left, patiently explain that you understand that, but this was supposed to be your first trip together -- just the two of you -- and this has taken the romance out of it.

Then make it clear that you do not intend to foot the bill for Sissy and her boyfriend because that isn't fair to you. And if he doesn't agree, cancel the trip because you wouldn't enjoy it anyway.

DEAR ABBY: I have been estranged from my sister for four years. She lives across the country, so it hasn't been difficult to hold a grudge. Either because I'm turning 50 this year, or maybe it's old-fashioned guilt, I have been feeling the right thing to do is to make amends.

My question is -- how? Should I write a letter, send an email or call her? To be honest, if she made those efforts to me, I would rebuff them. The two of us are similar, so what would be a good way to bridge the conflict? -- HARD-HEADED HAWAIIAN

DEAR H.H.H.: If you call your sister, her knee-jerk reaction might be to hang up. If you email her, it's too easy to hit "delete."

Write her a letter. Tell her you love her, miss her and are sorry for the estrangement. If there is something you need to apologize for, do it in the letter. Wait a week, then give her a call.

If she is as similar to you as you think, she may be as glad to hear your voice as you will be to hear hers. And if she's not, your conscience will be clear because you tried.

DEAR ABBY: For the past few years, my mother, with whom I spend my birthday every year, has gotten into the habit of buying my birthday presents the day of. She waits until my birthday day, then buys them in a rush all at one store or suggests we go shopping together. She's not stingy on price. In fact, she tends to spend more than I think she should.

What bothers me is she makes no effort to prepare a gift in advance and just asks me then and there what I want. She also often buys me a number of things I didn't ask for.

The last thing I want to do on my birthday is go shopping. It has made me increasingly less excited about my birthday each year. How do I explain to her without sounding ungrateful that I'd rather receive one thoughtful present than a lot of expensive ones? -- DOWN ON BIRTHDAYS IN HOUSTON

DEAR DOWN ON BIRTHDAYS: Excuse me, but you do sound ungrateful. Your mother may not be as emotionally invested in birthday celebrations as you are. Or, she may do this because she wants to ensure that you have gifts for your birthday you can actually use.

Rather than criticize her generosity, why not mention in the weeks before your birthday what you might like to have? If you do, it might save her some money and you some frustration.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter is being married soon, and I have an enormous fear that I need some help with. I can't dance. At all. I took some lessons, but I have no sense of rhythm. Although I tell people I can't and won't dance, inevitably some guy has a little too much to drink and tries to drag me to the dance floor.

My husband dances and I encourage him to have a good time, but if he's dancing and I'm sitting alone, someone is sure to ask me. Please help me with a good comeback or a little white lie to keep me off the dance floor! -- CAN'T DANCE IN COLORADO

DEAR CAN'T DANCE: I suppose the most common little white lie would be to plead a sprained ankle. But a more honest reply would be to thank the person and say you prefer not to because you're not comfortable on the dance floor. Said with a smile, it shouldn't offend anybody, even if he has had a few.