DEAR ABBY: I have been estranged from my sister for four years. She lives across the country, so it hasn't been difficult to hold a grudge. Either because I'm turning 50 this year, or maybe it's old-fashioned guilt, I have been feeling the right thing to do is to make amends.

My question is -- how? Should I write a letter, send an email or call her? To be honest, if she made those efforts to me, I would rebuff them. The two of us are similar, so what would be a good way to bridge the conflict? -- HARD-HEADED HAWAIIAN

DEAR H.H.H.: If you call your sister, her knee-jerk reaction might be to hang up. If you email her, it's too easy to hit "delete."

Write her a letter. Tell her you love her, miss her and are sorry for the estrangement. If there is something you need to apologize for, do it in the letter. Wait a week, then give her a call.

If she is as similar to you as you think, she may be as glad to hear your voice as you will be to hear hers. And if she's not, your conscience will be clear because you tried.

DEAR ABBY: For the past few years, my mother, with whom I spend my birthday every year, has gotten into the habit of buying my birthday presents the day of. She waits until my birthday day, then buys them in a rush all at one store or suggests we go shopping together. She's not stingy on price. In fact, she tends to spend more than I think she should.

What bothers me is she makes no effort to prepare a gift in advance and just asks me then and there what I want. She also often buys me a number of things I didn't ask for.

The last thing I want to do on my birthday is go shopping. It has made me increasingly less excited about my birthday each year. How do I explain to her without sounding ungrateful that I'd rather receive one thoughtful present than a lot of expensive ones? -- DOWN ON BIRTHDAYS IN HOUSTON

DEAR DOWN ON BIRTHDAYS: Excuse me, but you do sound ungrateful. Your mother may not be as emotionally invested in birthday celebrations as you are. Or, she may do this because she wants to ensure that you have gifts for your birthday you can actually use.

Rather than criticize her generosity, why not mention in the weeks before your birthday what you might like to have? If you do, it might save her some money and you some frustration.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter is being married soon, and I have an enormous fear that I need some help with. I can't dance. At all. I took some lessons, but I have no sense of rhythm. Although I tell people I can't and won't dance, inevitably some guy has a little too much to drink and tries to drag me to the dance floor.

My husband dances and I encourage him to have a good time, but if he's dancing and I'm sitting alone, someone is sure to ask me. Please help me with a good comeback or a little white lie to keep me off the dance floor! -- CAN'T DANCE IN COLORADO

DEAR CAN'T DANCE: I suppose the most common little white lie would be to plead a sprained ankle. But a more honest reply would be to thank the person and say you prefer not to because you're not comfortable on the dance floor. Said with a smile, it shouldn't offend anybody, even if he has had a few.

DEAR ABBY: I am a full-time working woman, part-time student and new wife to an incredible husband. We're in our mid-20s and have been living together for a year, but I have a problem that I'm still unsure about.

Growing up I never learned to cook. The first meal I ever made was spaghetti when my husband (then fiance) and I moved into our home. My issue is, I hate cooking. I don't have the patience for it and neither does my husband.

Should I be ashamed that I indulge in "box" dinners that take little time to prepare? Naturally, I cook meat and vegetables to go along with them, but is it shameful when a wife doesn't cook everything from scratch? My husband doesn't mind, but I worry. Shouldn't a wife cook real meals for her husband? -- NEW WIFE IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR NEW WIFE: Because many couples both work, many husbands and wives take turns cooking or prepare dinner together. ("Honey, I'll do the salad and vegetables; you fix the chicken/fish/chops on the grill.") The problem with prepackaged meals is that many of them contain more sodium and/or other additives that nutritionists say are bad for one's health when consumed on a regular basis, so I think you do have cause for concern. The most important ingredient in a lasting marriage is a partner who lasts, so if you want yours to last, be vigilant about what you put in your stomachs.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 29-year-old woman and I have been with my fiance, "Gary," for three years. We became engaged six months ago.

When I brought up wedding ideas recently, Gary responded with, "There are things that have to be resolved before I can even think about getting married." In the discussion that followed, he said I need to get a better-paying job so I can contribute to the renovations on the house, buy my own personal items and have a shorter commute.

I'm hurt because I believe marriage is about committing to the person you love. I also realize you can't live on love alone. Am I overly sensitive about this? Is Gary's request reasonable, or do you think he's just looking for an excuse not to get married? -- LOVE ABOVE ALL IN NEW YORK

DEAR LOVE ABOVE ALL: Pay attention to what your fiance said because it appears he has unilaterally mapped out your future for you. This sounds less like a request to me than a demand. Open your eyes and keep talking with him.

Did he specify whether your name will be on the deed to the house you will contribute to renovating? (I hope so.) I also hope you will be lucky enough to find a higher-paying job with a shorter commute, because not everyone is able to do that.

Because I believe in both love and practicality, I think it's important you and Gary have premarital counseling together to clarify whether you're on the same page regarding finances.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Jerry," has a daughter-in-law who flashes both of us intimate parts of her body. At a recent gathering, she went down to the floor 2 feet away from where Jerry was sitting and gave us both a full view up her dress. Abby, she did it deliberately!

I thought the time one of her breasts popped out of her blouse was a "wardrobe malfunction." I no longer feel that way.

Jerry is a pushover. He doesn't say anything; he just runs away from it. I'm afraid things will only get worse. She must be trying to run me off. I can't think of any other reason for her behavior.

We have decided to not go on vacation with them this year because of this. Jerry is doing what he can for us to avoid being around her, but he has his 1-year-old granddaughter he adores to consider. What do you think is going on? -- COVERING MY EYES IN TEXAS

DEAR COVERING: I think the daughter-in-law either has no sense of modesty or she's an exhibitionist who enjoys shocking people. Because it bothers you and embarrasses your fiance, he should tell his son and explain how it makes the both of you feel. If the son delivers the message to his wife, it shouldn't cause a family rift.

DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, I broke up with a guy who was emotionally and sexually abusive. We had been seeing each other for eight months. We weren't living together, but I still was scared to break up with him because of what he might do to me. He would often call me bad names if I disagreed with what he wanted to do, and have angry outbursts during which he would throw things.

I have looked up how to safely exit an abusive relationship, but everything I find deals with what to do if you are living with the abuser. They don't teach us in high school how to safely drop an abuser; they just tell us to drop him. How do you safely break up with an abuser when moving to the other side of the country is impractical? -- RECOVERING IN THE USA

DEAR RECOVERING: Here is what I recommend: If you have mutual friends, tell them why you ended the relationship with him. In addition, stop going places where you know he hangs out.

If he continues to call you, tell him to stop and hang up. Then screen your calls. If he emails, delete his messages without looking at them. However, if he follows or continues to pursue you, make a police report.

DEAR ABBY: Last year my unmarried 30ish niece became a mother. Never once at family gatherings has there been any mention of a father.

I am more than a little bit curious. A one-night stand? A fertility clinic? A do-it-yourself turkey-baster job? Would I be wrong to bring up the subject? -- CURIOUS UNCLE IN OREGON

DEAR UNCLE: Yes, you would. I can 100 percent guarantee that a male was involved at some point in the conception of that child. And if the father's identity was any of your business, you would already know the answer to that question.