DEAR ABBY: I am a divorced woman with a teenaged daughter. I maintain a good relationship with my ex-husband and his family, and still consider them my family.

The problem is, my ex and our daughter have a strained relationship, mostly because he makes little effort to spend time with her. He doesn't attend her school functions, and most of the time when she's with him he's sleeping or watching TV. She is also sick of the multiple girlfriends that cycle in and out of his life. He doesn't realize how much these things affect her.

She has asked me not to make her see him anymore. She's 15, and I'm unsure if the law allows her to make that decision, but I think it's unwise and she would regret it later. I also worry that everyone in the family will blame me, and my relationship with them will be strained.

I don't know if I should just tell him she won't be coming to his house anymore or if I should continue to make her go. I'm not sure he really cares. I'd appreciate any advice. -- WORRIED MOM IN ARKANSAS

DEAR WORRIED MOM: Have you discussed this with your ex? If you have and nothing has changed, then I don't think you should force your daughter to go any longer. But check with a lawyer to be sure about the law in your state.

When daughters are ignored the way yours has been, they begin to think there's something wrong with themselves -- that they deserve it. It can have a lasting negative impact on a girl's self-esteem, which is not healthy. That she no longer wants to be subjected to it is understandable.

If you're afraid your former in-laws will blame you, tell them what you have told me. Whether your ex cares or is relieved is something no one can know until she doesn't show up, and I sincerely doubt she'll have any regrets about not having to tolerate those distasteful visits later on.

DEAR ABBY: My social circle includes a woman who has problems in restaurants. Something comes over her in this environment -- either the waiter is ignoring her, the order is taking too long, she wants to tweak the menu to her liking, the cost is too high or there's a mistake on the bill. There is no end to it.

One night she didn't like the salad, so she picked up bits of it and tossed them on the table. Needless to say, no one wants to go out with her anymore. Her husband, however, is a great guy. When we mentioned this to him, he replied, "You've noticed it, too?"

Have you heard of this? What's wrong with her? She is strong-willed in most things, but the restaurant scene is her extreme. Any light you can shed on this would be most appreciated. -- LOST MY APPETITE IN INDIANA

DEAR LOST: Having never met the woman, it's hard to pinpoint what may be wrong. She may have OCD, be easily frustrated, or be displacing anger or frustration about something else onto the servers who cannot defend themselves.

Frankly, the woman sounds like a pain in the posterior, and because she makes a habit of making those around her uncomfortable, I'm having trouble understanding why you continue to socialize with them. Many people wouldn't. Perhaps the husbands can arrange to see him socially without her being present.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a wonderful man for 20 years. He adopted my oldest son, and we have three kids together. All of our children are loved and accepted by his extended family; my in-laws refer to me as their daughter.

Everything is fine with the exception of my husband's brother "Todd" and his wife, "Pearl." Mostly it's Pearl. Todd goes along with her because he's a good husband.

Abby, Pearl hates me. She literally hates me. After many years of strange rules placed on us regarding them and their children, the ugly truth came out six months ago. They wish we had never gotten married, and do not agree with or accept our marriage and children. With no further explanation, their relationship with us is over. Not only with us, but the rest of the family as well!

My head tells me it's their problem, but my heart is heavy. We are all grieving, but seeing my in-laws' heartache when we visit with or talk to them makes me feel guilty. What do I do to get over this and not feel responsible for their actions? -- FEELING GUILTY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: If Pearl and Todd have estranged themselves from the entire family, remember that this is their problem. If they are happier going their own way, you must allow them to continue on their chosen path.

While I'm sure it's painful to see your in-laws grieve, you are not responsible for anyone else's actions, so stop torturing yourself with guilt. Continue being the loving, supportive daughter-in-law and wife you have always been. Stay busy and involved with your own life. There is probably more to this than you have put in your letter, but the person with the problem is your sister-in-law. If you continue to internalize it, you are making a mistake.

DEAR ABBY: I am 17 and a senior in high school. During freshman year, one of my classmates was a boy I'll call "Alex." This year, I have been told that Alex has changed his name to "Aly," a more feminine name. Aly now sometimes dresses like a girl and sometimes like a boy.

What gender should I refer to Aly as? Would it be rude to ask my classmate which gender he/she identifies with? -- GENDER DILEMMA

DEAR G.D.: Considering that Aly could be in a process of transition, I not only don't think the question would be rude, I think it's an intelligent one. If you ask your classmate politely and privately, I'm sure Aly will be glad to answer.

DEAR ABBY: I gave up a baby girl for adoption 29 years ago. I thought when she became an adult she would want to contact me, but I have heard nothing. I have known how to contact her for many years, but haven't done it because I didn't want to intrude in her life. I have left contact totally up to her if she chooses.

Like I said, so far I've heard nothing, and I'm just wondering why she wouldn't want to contact me or know anything about me. -- WONDERING BIO-MOM

DEAR BIO-MOM: Are you certain your daughter knows she was adopted? While many adopted children want to know their birth parents, not all do because they don't feel anything is "missing" in their lives. They may also think it would be disrespectful to the parents who raised them. Please don't take it personally.

DEAR ABBY: I'm stuck in the middle between my mom and my husband, "Gary," regarding a onesie my brother bought for our daughter. Gary is a die-hard Raiders fan. My mom and brother love the Chargers. Mom and my brother thought it would be funny to gift my daughter with a Chargers onesie. Mom asked me to have my child wear it during the game.

When I asked Gary what he thought, he got upset and said, "Please don't do that. I don't want your mom buying Chargers clothes thinking she can turn our daughter into a Chargers fan."

Mom texted me for a photo of the baby wearing it. I said I was sorry, but her dad doesn't want her to wear it, and she got mad and said, "Whatever!" I can't please everyone. What should I do? -- GOOD SPORT OUT WEST

DEAR GOOD SPORT: Whether your mother and your brother thought it would be funny to give your daughter a Chargers outfit is beside the point. Your husband doesn't see the humor in it, so my advice is to let the child be logo-free until she's old enough to decide for herself whom to support.