DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a wonderful man for 20 years. He adopted my oldest son, and we have three kids together. All of our children are loved and accepted by his extended family; my in-laws refer to me as their daughter.

Everything is fine with the exception of my husband's brother "Todd" and his wife, "Pearl." Mostly it's Pearl. Todd goes along with her because he's a good husband.

Abby, Pearl hates me. She literally hates me. After many years of strange rules placed on us regarding them and their children, the ugly truth came out six months ago. They wish we had never gotten married, and do not agree with or accept our marriage and children. With no further explanation, their relationship with us is over. Not only with us, but the rest of the family as well!

My head tells me it's their problem, but my heart is heavy. We are all grieving, but seeing my in-laws' heartache when we visit with or talk to them makes me feel guilty. What do I do to get over this and not feel responsible for their actions? -- FEELING GUILTY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: If Pearl and Todd have estranged themselves from the entire family, remember that this is their problem. If they are happier going their own way, you must allow them to continue on their chosen path.

While I'm sure it's painful to see your in-laws grieve, you are not responsible for anyone else's actions, so stop torturing yourself with guilt. Continue being the loving, supportive daughter-in-law and wife you have always been. Stay busy and involved with your own life. There is probably more to this than you have put in your letter, but the person with the problem is your sister-in-law. If you continue to internalize it, you are making a mistake.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who began homeschooling two of her children five years ago, but I honestly don't know how long she kept with it. I know for sure that she is no longer homeschooling, nor is she sending her children to any other school.

Is this any of my business? I go back and forth about whether to report what's going on, but I'm afraid of what kind of trouble my friend will get into. Then I think about the education and friendships her children are missing.

Her kids are completely isolated, sleep all day, stay up all night and hardly go outside at all. The situation is strange. I feel it's my responsibility to report the truancy, but I'd appreciate your opinion. -- TRUANCY IN OHIO

DEAR TRUANCY: Children have only a brief window of time in which to learn the skills they will need to survive in our society. Basic reading and math skills are critical, and so are civics.

What you describe could be considered a form of child neglect, so please do report it for the sake of the kids. Something may be very wrong in your friend's household, and an investigation should take place to make sure the children aren't also suffering from any other sort of deprivation.

DEAR ABBY: I am 17 and a senior in high school. During freshman year, one of my classmates was a boy I'll call "Alex." This year, I have been told that Alex has changed his name to "Aly," a more feminine name. Aly now sometimes dresses like a girl and sometimes like a boy.

What gender should I refer to Aly as? Would it be rude to ask my classmate which gender he/she identifies with? -- GENDER DILEMMA

DEAR G.D.: Considering that Aly could be in a process of transition, I not only don't think the question would be rude, I think it's an intelligent one. If you ask your classmate politely and privately, I'm sure Aly will be glad to answer.

DEAR ABBY: I gave up a baby girl for adoption 29 years ago. I thought when she became an adult she would want to contact me, but I have heard nothing. I have known how to contact her for many years, but haven't done it because I didn't want to intrude in her life. I have left contact totally up to her if she chooses.

Like I said, so far I've heard nothing, and I'm just wondering why she wouldn't want to contact me or know anything about me. -- WONDERING BIO-MOM

DEAR BIO-MOM: Are you certain your daughter knows she was adopted? While many adopted children want to know their birth parents, not all do because they don't feel anything is "missing" in their lives. They may also think it would be disrespectful to the parents who raised them. Please don't take it personally.

DEAR ABBY: I'm stuck in the middle between my mom and my husband, "Gary," regarding a onesie my brother bought for our daughter. Gary is a die-hard Raiders fan. My mom and brother love the Chargers. Mom and my brother thought it would be funny to gift my daughter with a Chargers onesie. Mom asked me to have my child wear it during the game.

When I asked Gary what he thought, he got upset and said, "Please don't do that. I don't want your mom buying Chargers clothes thinking she can turn our daughter into a Chargers fan."

Mom texted me for a photo of the baby wearing it. I said I was sorry, but her dad doesn't want her to wear it, and she got mad and said, "Whatever!" I can't please everyone. What should I do? -- GOOD SPORT OUT WEST

DEAR GOOD SPORT: Whether your mother and your brother thought it would be funny to give your daughter a Chargers outfit is beside the point. Your husband doesn't see the humor in it, so my advice is to let the child be logo-free until she's old enough to decide for herself whom to support.

DEAR ABBY: I recently started working at the hospital where my husband receives his primary care. One afternoon, out of curiosity, I accessed his medical records. In his file it was noted that he is high risk for STDs. In fact, he was treated for two different ones some years back.

I have been tested for STDs during all my annual physicals, and the results were always negative. I think it's because we often go for weeks without any sexual contact.

What should I do with this information? How do I talk to him about it without letting him know that I'm aware of his medical history? -- CONCERNED IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR CONCERNED: Unless you claim to be clairvoyant, I don't see how you can discuss this without admitting you accessed his medical records, which is against the law. Be prepared for him to be irate, because the best defense is a strong offense. You are lucky your husband hasn't given you an STD.

By all means talk with him about this, if only to find out whether you have sex so infrequently because he's having relations with other people. Now that you know what has been going on, you have some serious thinking to do about staying in this marriage.

DEAR ABBY: I had an abusive boyfriend who, I realized later, had abused his wife and children. After we broke up, my close friend and neighbor asked me if I'd mind if she went out with him. I initially said no, but after thinking about it, I thought how could she? She knew how he had treated me, pushing, shoving and isolating me from my friends.

I had words with her about it, and she said she wasn't there, so she didn't know if it really happened. What kind of a woman wouldn't support me?

He is over there often, and I live right next door. I am furious with her. Do I have a right to be? -- ALICE IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR ALICE: Your friend must be desperate for male companionship, or incredibly naive in failing to recognize that what happened to you (and the man's former wife) won't also happen to her. Please don't waste your time being angry. You are lucky to be rid of your abuser and should be grateful you realized he was one before he caused you physical harm.

DEAR ABBY: A woman I know has a husband who is deployed. I would like to send her a card offering support and love, to tell her how thankful I am for both of their sacrifices in the service of our country.

Can you assist with wording and other ideas on how I can be supportive? She lives far away, so this will all be long distance. I don't want to come across wrong or say something that could offend.

I ran across an article the other day on what not to say to military wives, and I'm afraid I may have committed a faux pas and don't want to do it again. -- CIVILIAN IN IOWA

DEAR CIVILIAN: If you think you "may" have committed a breach of etiquette, pick up the phone, call the woman and offer an apology. Explain that you read an article about what not to say to military wives, and hope you didn't offend her. Offer to stay in touch -- if that's what she would like -- so you can let her know she and her husband are in your thoughts, and let her suggest other ways you might be helpful even though you are geographically distant.