DEAR ABBY: I am 26 and recently started a new job that I consider a leap forward in my career. It's been only two weeks, and my boss has already told me she thinks I am "trying too hard" and "compensating for my age." Honestly, I was just excited to come in to work and do my best. This is my work ethic.

I have swallowed her criticism and am now lying low, but my confidence is shot and I'm now questioning if I made the right decision joining this company. I can try to be quiet for a few weeks, but internally it is torture. I thought I was hired for my leadership skills and experience, but apparently I am "intimidating."

I have tried to brush the criticism off and put it in perspective, but I'm really hurt that traits I have been praised for before are being picked over now. How do I put these feelings aside and continue to work, and what should my approach be? How much should I modify who I am? -- SECOND GUESSING

DEAR SECOND GUESSING: Sometimes when starting a new job, it is wise to remain quiet until one gets the "lay of the land" and understands how the company functions before jumping in. My advice is to continue to lie low.

If things don't improve, schedule another conference with your boss. Tell her you thought you had been hired for your leadership skills and experience, but if you are coming across to others as abrasive, you need to know so you can change it. Let her guide you. If it doesn't work out after that, recognize that not all job placements are a good fit and start looking for something that is.

DEAR ABBY: We entertain frequently because, in our large group of longtime friends, we are the only ones who do. In this way we assure to some degree that the friendships survive.

Folks sometimes volunteer to bring something, but often they don't. Even when they do, they put it together while I'm in the middle of my own preparations. They interrupt me by asking for a serving dish and sometimes want to use the oven while I am using it. This is not my idea of "helping."

Otherwise, they are very dear people, but with the passage of time I am losing my affection for them. If we don't entertain, no one will and the friendships won't survive. Abby, do you have any suggestions or is it too late? -- SURVIVING FRIENDSHIPS IN TEXAS

DEAR SURVIVING: It may be too late because a pattern has been established, and you're complaining to the wrong person. If you preferred that your kitchen not be invaded, you should have communicated that to the invaders who were getting in your way at the time it happened.

Do these people socialize with you at all unless it's at your parties? Even if these "friends" are unwilling or unable to entertain on the scale that you do, they long ago should have made some attempt to reciprocate your hospitality, and they appear to have made little or no effort. You might feel less taken advantage of if you widen your circle of acquaintances to include some couples with a stronger grasp of the social graces.

DEAR ABBY: I am 18, and like most of my friends, I have gone away to college. We have a friend whose life went off track during our senior year because of drinking, drugs and other misbehavior. She's now without a place to live or any support system.

She calls us from time to time, and we aren't sure what to believe or how to help her since we are all in a different place in our lives, and far away. We won't give her money because we are worried about what she might do with it, but we really do want to help her and be there for her. What is the best approach? -- WORRIED FRIEND IN FLORIDA

DEAR WORRIED: I agree that you should not give her money. The best approach would be for you to advise your friend to get into a shelter with social services for homeless women. If she does, she may be able to get into a substance abuse program, receive government benefits and straighten out her life. I'm not saying her road will be an easy one, but it can be done.

DEAR ABBY: Is there a polite way to ask a colleague to stop bringing her kids to work? Our offices are next to each other, and the dividing wall doesn't reach the ceiling. I have to hear them yelling at each other (they are 2 and 4), crying, whining and their mother's attempts at discipline, etc. This isn't occasional -- it happens often.

Should I ask her politely to stop bringing them to work? Or should I ask management to shift my office away from hers? -- DISTRACTED IN DETROIT

DEAR DISTRACTED: Rather than risk a confrontation with your co-worker, this is something you should discuss either with your supervisor or your employer. While I empathize with the woman's difficulty in finding someone to supervise her youngsters, if their presence in the workplace is disruptive, your needs should be accommodated.

DEAR ABBY: I have a family friend whose son has been engaged twice, to two different women. The first engagement was broken off by him, and the second by his fiancee.

Each time, his family threw him an engagement party (which he wanted) -- and I was invited to both. Each time, as is customary, I bought a gift for the happy couple. Neither one was returned after the engagement was broken.

The first party was a pleasure to attend. The second one I found slightly awkward, but I wanted to be supportive of my friend. I brought a gift the second time because I didn't want to be impolite.

If my friend's son becomes engaged a third time and has an engagement party to which I am invited, am I obligated to bring a gift? -- POLITE PARTY GUEST

DEAR POLITE: No. I think by now you have given enough. And considering how your friend's son's luck has been after these engagement parties, I can't imagine his family inviting the same people a third time and expecting them to give him anything more than their good wishes.

DEAR ABBY: I am a widower in my mid-80s and have met a lovely widow, "Diane," also in her 80s. What started as a "let's do lunch" friendship has developed into a close, affectionate relationship. Neither of us wants to take this to the next level, but we do want to spend as much time together as we can in the years left to us. We have a very active social life with friends and with Diane's family who live in the same town.

My daughters, who live in another city and rarely visit, profess to like her and say they are happy that I have someone in my life. But they have asked that I be sensitive to their feelings of loss for my late wife, who died four years ago. They don't want me to share what we do and where we go, which is hard when Diane is such a part of my life.

My problem is Diane and I want to spend a weekend in the city in which my children live to attend the theater. We will be sharing a hotel room. Do we tell them our plans and that we would like to see them while there, or not? Diane isn't comfortable going behind their backs, but she also doesn't want to cause a rift in my family. Neither do I. What would you advise? -- UNCERTAIN IN MARYLAND

DEAR UNCERTAIN: Your daughters have told you they don't want you to share what you do with your lady friend and where you go, and I am advising you to abide by their wishes. If word should get back to them that you were in town and they ask about it, be honest and don't lie. And please, live every moment of your life to the fullest in the time God allows, and don't permit your family to diminish one minute of it.

DEAR ABBY: My older sister and I are very close to our "Aunt Lil." She has always jokingly told us we are "her children, too" because she never had any of her own and was active in our lives growing up.

Aunt Lil is in her late 60s and in declining health. Now single, she smokes two packs of cigarettes a day, but counts it only as one because they are slims. She also has high blood pressure, high cholesterol, etc.

The other day, while visiting with my mom, Aunt Lil started complaining about getting older and said how thankful she is to have my sister and me to take care of her when she's too old to take care of herself. The two of us gave each other the "Not me ... you!" look.

While we love her dearly, when the time comes, Aunt Lil will be off to a nursing home or have private home health care. Should we approach this with her now or wait and blindside her if/when it becomes an issue? -- CAREFUL PLANNING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CAREFUL PLANNING: Having been so close to you and your sister since you were children, I can understand why Aunt Lil might have expected some kindness in return. However, because the two of you aren't up to the task, she should be told now. It may provide an incentive for her to take better care of her health. Even if it doesn't, it may spur her to think about her assets and planning for her care or supervision should she need it in the future. Because you don't want the bother, suggest she involve another trusted family member or a social worker to watch out for her if she's no longer competent to manage her affairs.