DEAR ABBY: I am 18, and like most of my friends, I have gone away to college. We have a friend whose life went off track during our senior year because of drinking, drugs and other misbehavior. She's now without a place to live or any support system.

She calls us from time to time, and we aren't sure what to believe or how to help her since we are all in a different place in our lives, and far away. We won't give her money because we are worried about what she might do with it, but we really do want to help her and be there for her. What is the best approach? -- WORRIED FRIEND IN FLORIDA

DEAR WORRIED: I agree that you should not give her money. The best approach would be for you to advise your friend to get into a shelter with social services for homeless women. If she does, she may be able to get into a substance abuse program, receive government benefits and straighten out her life. I'm not saying her road will be an easy one, but it can be done.

DEAR ABBY: Is there a polite way to ask a colleague to stop bringing her kids to work? Our offices are next to each other, and the dividing wall doesn't reach the ceiling. I have to hear them yelling at each other (they are 2 and 4), crying, whining and their mother's attempts at discipline, etc. This isn't occasional -- it happens often.

Should I ask her politely to stop bringing them to work? Or should I ask management to shift my office away from hers? -- DISTRACTED IN DETROIT

DEAR DISTRACTED: Rather than risk a confrontation with your co-worker, this is something you should discuss either with your supervisor or your employer. While I empathize with the woman's difficulty in finding someone to supervise her youngsters, if their presence in the workplace is disruptive, your needs should be accommodated.

DEAR ABBY: I have a family friend whose son has been engaged twice, to two different women. The first engagement was broken off by him, and the second by his fiancee.

Each time, his family threw him an engagement party (which he wanted) -- and I was invited to both. Each time, as is customary, I bought a gift for the happy couple. Neither one was returned after the engagement was broken.

The first party was a pleasure to attend. The second one I found slightly awkward, but I wanted to be supportive of my friend. I brought a gift the second time because I didn't want to be impolite.

If my friend's son becomes engaged a third time and has an engagement party to which I am invited, am I obligated to bring a gift? -- POLITE PARTY GUEST

DEAR POLITE: No. I think by now you have given enough. And considering how your friend's son's luck has been after these engagement parties, I can't imagine his family inviting the same people a third time and expecting them to give him anything more than their good wishes.

DEAR ABBY: I am a widower in my mid-80s and have met a lovely widow, "Diane," also in her 80s. What started as a "let's do lunch" friendship has developed into a close, affectionate relationship. Neither of us wants to take this to the next level, but we do want to spend as much time together as we can in the years left to us. We have a very active social life with friends and with Diane's family who live in the same town.

My daughters, who live in another city and rarely visit, profess to like her and say they are happy that I have someone in my life. But they have asked that I be sensitive to their feelings of loss for my late wife, who died four years ago. They don't want me to share what we do and where we go, which is hard when Diane is such a part of my life.

My problem is Diane and I want to spend a weekend in the city in which my children live to attend the theater. We will be sharing a hotel room. Do we tell them our plans and that we would like to see them while there, or not? Diane isn't comfortable going behind their backs, but she also doesn't want to cause a rift in my family. Neither do I. What would you advise? -- UNCERTAIN IN MARYLAND

DEAR UNCERTAIN: Your daughters have told you they don't want you to share what you do with your lady friend and where you go, and I am advising you to abide by their wishes. If word should get back to them that you were in town and they ask about it, be honest and don't lie. And please, live every moment of your life to the fullest in the time God allows, and don't permit your family to diminish one minute of it.

DEAR ABBY: My older sister and I are very close to our "Aunt Lil." She has always jokingly told us we are "her children, too" because she never had any of her own and was active in our lives growing up.

Aunt Lil is in her late 60s and in declining health. Now single, she smokes two packs of cigarettes a day, but counts it only as one because they are slims. She also has high blood pressure, high cholesterol, etc.

The other day, while visiting with my mom, Aunt Lil started complaining about getting older and said how thankful she is to have my sister and me to take care of her when she's too old to take care of herself. The two of us gave each other the "Not me ... you!" look.

While we love her dearly, when the time comes, Aunt Lil will be off to a nursing home or have private home health care. Should we approach this with her now or wait and blindside her if/when it becomes an issue? -- CAREFUL PLANNING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CAREFUL PLANNING: Having been so close to you and your sister since you were children, I can understand why Aunt Lil might have expected some kindness in return. However, because the two of you aren't up to the task, she should be told now. It may provide an incentive for her to take better care of her health. Even if it doesn't, it may spur her to think about her assets and planning for her care or supervision should she need it in the future. Because you don't want the bother, suggest she involve another trusted family member or a social worker to watch out for her if she's no longer competent to manage her affairs.

DEAR ABBY: Would you please remind your readers that people who have been through an awful divorce DO NOT want to hear anything about their ex? We don't want to hear -- again and again -- how much better the ex did in the settlement than we did. We don't want to hear that the ex was seen with his girlfriend the other day.

I have a friend who tells me every time I speak with her how much better he made out in the settlement than I did. People also need to realize that even though the divorce was years ago, it still hurts. -- HURTING IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR HURTING: I'm passing along your message. However, when it first happened, you should have told the woman to drop the subject because it was hurtful. If you didn't, please do that. But if you did say it and your request was disregarded, recognize that this person isn't a "friend," that she probably gets a kick out of causing you pain or aggravation, and you should avoid her.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 17 and adopted. I have a wonderful new family, but a very dark past. I was beaten every day for seven years and was bulimic for five. The abuse finally ended when my stepfather went to jail for trying to murder my mother and me. I was bullied in school and went home to more abuse.

Now, even though I'm out of the situation, I still get scared when people yell at me, or at school when someone raises their hands like they are about to hit me. Everyone tells me I need to "grow up," but how am I supposed to do that when I'm still scared of my past? -- CAN'T GET PAST IT

DEAR CAN'T GET PAST IT: After the amount of trauma you have experienced, it may take help from a licensed mental health professional to get past what was done to you. If your family is unable to provide it, discuss this with a counselor at school and ask for help, because the counselor may be able to refer you to someone.

DEAR ABBY: My adult son and his wife have had a dog for two years. I do not want a dog in my house, but I also don't want to prevent them from visiting (they live six hours away). We have tried keeping "Puddles" in the basement, but she whined all night, and my son ended up sleeping on the basement floor with her.

They think I'm going to give in because she's so cute, but I don't like little animals running, jumping and yapping. (OK, I'm high-strung, and holidays make it worse.) My husband doesn't support me and tries to sneak Puddles in when I'm not looking.

This is not fair! I'm the one who keeps the house nice, but I love my son. Any suggestions? -- PARTICULAR IN OHIO

DEAR PARTICULAR: Yes, your son should find a pet sitter or board Puddles for the time when he visits you. And if necessary, offer to pay for it. That way the poor animal won't be isolated in unfamiliar surroundings and will have companionship, you'll have peace of mind and your son will get a good night's sleep.