DEAR ABBY: I am a widower in my mid-80s and have met a lovely widow, "Diane," also in her 80s. What started as a "let's do lunch" friendship has developed into a close, affectionate relationship. Neither of us wants to take this to the next level, but we do want to spend as much time together as we can in the years left to us. We have a very active social life with friends and with Diane's family who live in the same town.

My daughters, who live in another city and rarely visit, profess to like her and say they are happy that I have someone in my life. But they have asked that I be sensitive to their feelings of loss for my late wife, who died four years ago. They don't want me to share what we do and where we go, which is hard when Diane is such a part of my life.

My problem is Diane and I want to spend a weekend in the city in which my children live to attend the theater. We will be sharing a hotel room. Do we tell them our plans and that we would like to see them while there, or not? Diane isn't comfortable going behind their backs, but she also doesn't want to cause a rift in my family. Neither do I. What would you advise? -- UNCERTAIN IN MARYLAND

DEAR UNCERTAIN: Your daughters have told you they don't want you to share what you do with your lady friend and where you go, and I am advising you to abide by their wishes. If word should get back to them that you were in town and they ask about it, be honest and don't lie. And please, live every moment of your life to the fullest in the time God allows, and don't permit your family to diminish one minute of it.

DEAR ABBY: My older sister and I are very close to our "Aunt Lil." She has always jokingly told us we are "her children, too" because she never had any of her own and was active in our lives growing up.

Aunt Lil is in her late 60s and in declining health. Now single, she smokes two packs of cigarettes a day, but counts it only as one because they are slims. She also has high blood pressure, high cholesterol, etc.

The other day, while visiting with my mom, Aunt Lil started complaining about getting older and said how thankful she is to have my sister and me to take care of her when she's too old to take care of herself. The two of us gave each other the "Not me ... you!" look.

While we love her dearly, when the time comes, Aunt Lil will be off to a nursing home or have private home health care. Should we approach this with her now or wait and blindside her if/when it becomes an issue? -- CAREFUL PLANNING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CAREFUL PLANNING: Having been so close to you and your sister since you were children, I can understand why Aunt Lil might have expected some kindness in return. However, because the two of you aren't up to the task, she should be told now. It may provide an incentive for her to take better care of her health. Even if it doesn't, it may spur her to think about her assets and planning for her care or supervision should she need it in the future. Because you don't want the bother, suggest she involve another trusted family member or a social worker to watch out for her if she's no longer competent to manage her affairs.

DEAR ABBY: Would you please remind your readers that people who have been through an awful divorce DO NOT want to hear anything about their ex? We don't want to hear -- again and again -- how much better the ex did in the settlement than we did. We don't want to hear that the ex was seen with his girlfriend the other day.

I have a friend who tells me every time I speak with her how much better he made out in the settlement than I did. People also need to realize that even though the divorce was years ago, it still hurts. -- HURTING IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR HURTING: I'm passing along your message. However, when it first happened, you should have told the woman to drop the subject because it was hurtful. If you didn't, please do that. But if you did say it and your request was disregarded, recognize that this person isn't a "friend," that she probably gets a kick out of causing you pain or aggravation, and you should avoid her.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 17 and adopted. I have a wonderful new family, but a very dark past. I was beaten every day for seven years and was bulimic for five. The abuse finally ended when my stepfather went to jail for trying to murder my mother and me. I was bullied in school and went home to more abuse.

Now, even though I'm out of the situation, I still get scared when people yell at me, or at school when someone raises their hands like they are about to hit me. Everyone tells me I need to "grow up," but how am I supposed to do that when I'm still scared of my past? -- CAN'T GET PAST IT

DEAR CAN'T GET PAST IT: After the amount of trauma you have experienced, it may take help from a licensed mental health professional to get past what was done to you. If your family is unable to provide it, discuss this with a counselor at school and ask for help, because the counselor may be able to refer you to someone.

DEAR ABBY: My adult son and his wife have had a dog for two years. I do not want a dog in my house, but I also don't want to prevent them from visiting (they live six hours away). We have tried keeping "Puddles" in the basement, but she whined all night, and my son ended up sleeping on the basement floor with her.

They think I'm going to give in because she's so cute, but I don't like little animals running, jumping and yapping. (OK, I'm high-strung, and holidays make it worse.) My husband doesn't support me and tries to sneak Puddles in when I'm not looking.

This is not fair! I'm the one who keeps the house nice, but I love my son. Any suggestions? -- PARTICULAR IN OHIO

DEAR PARTICULAR: Yes, your son should find a pet sitter or board Puddles for the time when he visits you. And if necessary, offer to pay for it. That way the poor animal won't be isolated in unfamiliar surroundings and will have companionship, you'll have peace of mind and your son will get a good night's sleep.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been separated for a year. I have been seeing another woman in a city nearby, and my wife is aware of it.

I took my lady friend out for dinner recently while visiting her in her town. A couple from home who know my wife and me were also eating at this restaurant. I greeted them as we walked by their table.

The next day, my wife approached me and showed me a picture of me and my date that had been taken by this couple without my knowledge. I was furious about the invasion of privacy. My wife claims I am just angry because I got "caught." If I were worried about getting caught, I wouldn't have been in a public restaurant in a city frequented by people who know me.

What are your thoughts on people who secretly take photos like this? Do they really think they are doing their civic duty? -- VIOLATED IN IOWA

DEAR VIOLATED: You have a right to your privacy. If you and your wife have been separated for a year, then with whom you socialize is your own business. The same applies to your wife.

I fail to see what kind of "civic duty" this couple was performing by taking a picture of you and your date. Frankly, I think it was in poor taste and served no good purpose.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 30 and have felt pretty happy with my life. I enjoy my job, my social life, staying fit and extensive stays abroad. I thought I was going along OK, even though there is still room for improvement.

My biggest (or most obvious) shortcoming, however, is that I'm not attractive in any way, and guys have never been attracted to me, so any chance at a future with someone is not an option. I thought I was learning to accept it, but it's harder than I thought -- especially because of reactions from other people.

Now that I'm older, people look at me with pity or treat me strangely. I don't know how to handle the constant questioning about whether I have found someone yet. It is not going to happen. Is there something wrong with me? I'm starting to feel like a total loser and complete failure. -- LOSER IN LOVE

DEAR LOSER IN LOVE: If you are asked whether you have "found someone yet," tell the person the truth, that Chris Pine hasn't found you yet.

There are worse things than singlehood. You have so many positive things going for you in your life, it's time you recognized it. The person who deserves pity isn't someone who is single; it's someone who is trapped in a marriage to a husband she doesn't love or who treats her badly.

Your problem isn't that you are a "loser"; it's that you have low self-esteem. You could benefit from talking to a counselor about this, because everyone has something to offer, including you, and for others to appreciate your finer qualities, you need to stop being so hard on yourself.