DEAR ABBY: I am a strong and independent 18-year-old girl. I have been with my boyfriend, "Cash," for four years and he has been an ever-present rock in my life. His 21st birthday is soon, and I'm afraid it may alter our relationship because of things he will be able to do, such as drinking. I want some form of commitment from him before his birthday, so I can be sure he's as serious about our relationship as I am.

Cash says he doesn't want to make a commitment now because he wants time to be young and stupid. I understand where he's coming from, but it seems like he's setting us up for disaster. Why can't we be young and stupid together? I'm not asking for marriage now, but a long engagement would prove his devotion to me. Isn't this a reasonable expectation? If it is, how do I tell him? -- WANTS SOME COMMITMENT IN NEBRASKA

DEAR WANTS: For a young woman who is strong and independent, you appear to be somewhat clingy and needy. Commitments such as the kind you're looking for must be made voluntarily, not as a result of arm-twisting. The harder you try to rope Cash in, the more confined he's going to feel, so my advice is to loosen up or you stand a good chance of driving him away.

DEAR ABBY: During the past three years, my husband and I managed to save about $45,000 for a down payment on the purchase of a new home. (We each put in about half.) Early last month, I asked my husband if he liked one house we had just seen, and he confessed that he had taken all the money we had saved and put it into a struggling business he has had for 12 years and which I helped him run on weekends.

I am devastated! It's not just the money, which was for our future. The plan was to purchase an affordable home and pay it off quickly. But he lied to me, strung me along and stole from me, because half of that money was mine. There is no chance he can repay it. My trust in him and our marriage is broken. What are your thoughts? -- CRUSHED IN PALM HARBOR, FLA.

DEAR CRUSHED: Because the basis of any successful partnership -- and that includes marriage -- is trust, I think you have some serious thinking to do. And if you decide to remain married to your husband, you should have access to all documents connected to both your finances in the future.

DEAR ABBY: I am blessed to have many friends who invite me to parties and gatherings. I met a guy at one of them and we had a nice conversation. A few days later he called me. He said he'd gotten my number from our mutual friend. (I had given her permission to give it out to people who had been at the party.)

We talked some more and kept talking and exchanging emails over the course of a couple of months. Because it wasn't every day or even every week, I thought we were just friends.

At the next party he asked me out on a date -- a romantic date. This is a problem. I identify as an aromantic asexual. I do not feel the things he does. Having to explain my sexual orientation to people is embarrassing. Any advice on how to convey this without ruining the friendship we have developed? -- EMBARRASSED IN INDIANA

DEAR EMBARRASSED: Try saying it this way: "I'm flattered, but it would be better if we remain just friends. I think you're terrific, but I am not a romantic or sexual person. It has nothing to do with you. It's just the way I am and always have been."

DEAR ABBY: Why is a wedding always about the bride? Why is the groom often ignored and the occasion not about both of them? I find this offensive as a man who, by tradition, is supposed to "take care of her," but is ignored as a partner in the relationship.

The whole deal about the day being about the bride is sexist, as far as I'm concerned. Television shows like "Bridezillas" make men look like idiots who have no value in a marriage. What are your thoughts? -- MAN WHO MATTERS IN FLORIDA

DEAR MAN WHO MATTERS: These shows you refer to depend on shock value to attract and sustain an audience, and some of the goings-on that are portrayed are so far-out as to be freakish. Please don't mistake reality TV for reality because nothing could be further from the truth.

Much has changed regarding marriage customs in the last decades. Traditionally, weddings were paid for by the parents of the bride. There was little monetary input from the groom's family, and they did not expect to assist in the planning of the event. Today, however, many couples postpone marriage until they are older and financially independent. They pay for their own weddings and plan them as partners.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a senior in high school who is already taking college classes. I have told my mom I plan to become a special education teacher. I have been an aide in the special ed class for three years now, and I love it.

My mother and grandmother are not supportive. They keep trying to talk me out of going to college to do what I love. They say I should be a nurse, so I can earn better money, and they tell me I won't be able to find a job if I become a special ed teacher. What should I do when they keep bringing this up? -- THINKING ABOUT MY FUTURE

DEAR THINKING: Let me first tell you what not to do. Do not allow yourself to be drawn into an argument over this. As much as you are thinking about your future, so are your mother and grandmother.

Because you are taking college classes, talk with a counselor at the school about the kinds of job openings there are for special education teachers. Visit the library and do some research. Both would be intelligent ways to get a glimpse of what will be in store for you if you choose to go into that field.

DEAR ABBY: I have kids who play sports. As I sit in the stands and watch the games, I am disgusted by the negative attitudes and bad-mouthing I hear coming from the parents in the crowds.

How do parents teach good sportsmanship and compassion when the adults they see around them behave worse than the kids? As hard as I try, I can't understand how grown adults can yell or call kids names at a sports event and expect these same kids to grow up with morals and values. -- SPORTS MOM IN MOUNTAIN TOP, PA.

DEAR SPORTS MOM: Positive reinforcement usually works better than name-calling and belittling. Kids are like sponges. They imitate the behavior they see the adults around them exhibit. Effective parents teach their children by modeling behavior they want to encourage in their children. (No one ever said this is always easy!)

The parents you describe may be trying to relive their youth vicariously through their children. Many times, it's not possible for the children to do as well as -- or better than -- the parents, and the result is the children end up disliking the sport.

DEAR ABBY: My husband is a hard worker, a good provider and a good dad. However, he's angry all the time. It has been this way for as long as I can remember. He is aware of it, and always promises me that when this or that settles down, things will get better, but they never do.

When he sees something on TV or reads something in the paper that upsets him, he can say really vile and violent things. Often when he thinks things the kids and I do are not good enough, he borders on being verbally abusive.

His friends say I'm a "saint" for putting up with him, but lately all I feel is tired out and worn down by it. I have spoken to him about this numerous times, and it improves for a few days, then it starts all over. I'm not sure how much longer I can last.

He reads your column, and I'm hoping he'll see this and realize how bad things really are. I have asked him to go to counseling, but he hasn't been willing. Do you think there's anything I can do besides leaving that will make him see what he is doing to me and the kids? -- READY TO LEAVE

DEAR READY TO LEAVE: Your husband may be a good provider and a hard worker, but I seriously question whether he is as good a dad as you would like to think. Children need their parents' encouragement and approval, as well as their patience and counsel.

When they are given a constant barrage of angry putdowns from a parent, they begin to internalize it. They think such behavior is normal, which means they will repeat it in their relationships when they are older. Or, they may think they deserve to be treated that way and choose mates who treat them like Dad did. Kids with low self-esteem also tend to choose friends who are like themselves, which can cause even more problems.

There is something you can do besides leave right now. Make an appointment for yourself with a licensed psychotherapist and take the children with you. That way, your husband can foot the bill while all of you get your heads straight and you make up your mind if you're serious about leaving. (Alternatively, he can finally admit he needs help with his anger issues and schedule an appointment for himself.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm engaged to be married soon, and I'm concerned about a commitment my fiance, "Jeff," made to his older sister "Beth." Beth is planning on having a child through a sperm donor and has asked Jeff to be a "father figure" once the child is born.

He has doubts about the wisdom of her plan to parent a child alone, but he doesn't want to hurt her feelings and is flattered to have been asked to fulfill such an important task. He agreed to do it without discussing it with me. Beth is very nice, and Jeff's family has embraced me and I don't want to cause trouble.

Jeff and I plan on having several children of our own, and we also plan to move out of state in the next few years. I am wondering how this commitment will affect that possibility.

I am uncomfortable with Jeff making a lifelong commitment to serve as a father figure to another person's child, especially when he hasn't established what it entails. I'm worried that this will cause conflict in our marriage if he goes through with it.

Am I overreacting? I know I need to discuss this with my fiance. How do you suggest I proceed? -- UNSURE IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR UNSURE: You're not overreacting, and I agree that before this goes any further, you and Jeff need to talk. Open the discussion by telling him that you're not comfortable and why. Suggest he talk to his sister and find out exactly what she meant when she asked him to be a father figure.

He also needs to tell her he may have spoken too soon when he agreed, because he had not first discussed it with you and that the two of you plan to leave the state in the next few years. She needs that important information because it may alter her choice about who should fill that important role.

TO MY ASIAN FRIENDS: Today marks the first day of the Lunar New Year. It's the Year of the Horse. The horse is a symbol of traveling, competition and victory. May it be a winning year! -- Love, ABBY