DEAR ABBY: I'm a grad student who enjoys perusing social networks for jokes and stuff. The other day I came across a post from someone who said he wanted to kill himself. Naturally, I kind of freaked out.

I contacted the person to ask him not to and thankfully he didn't. Normally I don't do the whole "Internet friend" thing, but we decided to keep chatting and since then we have become fast friends. I'm not sure how to help this person, though.

He is in the military and fears losing his job if he seeks help. I don't want to pressure him into seeing a professional, since part of what's causing his anxiety is being ordered around constantly, but I don't want him to hurt himself. I know I can't save this person; I can only walk alongside while he figures it all out, but I don't want him to suffer. Please tell me what to do! -- LONG-DISTANCE FRIEND

DEAR LONG-DISTANCE FRIEND: I'll try. Are you sure this person is who he purports to be? Suicidal people don't usually broadcast it to strangers they meet on the Internet. When you say he's afraid that if he seeks professional help he'll lose his job, is he intending to make a career in the military? If the answer is yes, and he doesn't like "being ordered around constantly," he has chosen the wrong career.

You should tell this individual that it's essential he talk to someone about his suicidal impulses who has the training to actually help him with his suffering (your word). If you encourage him to lean on you, it will only prolong his procrastination about standing on his own two feet. For both your sakes, deliver your message clearly and back away. Because you have known each other for such a short time, it shouldn't be too traumatic.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I will celebrate our 50th anniversary soon. One hundred and twenty-five invitations were sent and 80 people have responded that they will be attending. I have wondered about the 45 invitees who didn't respond one way or the other.

Today I was told there's a new rule of etiquette regarding the RSVP on an invitation -- that one doesn't have to respond unless one is attending the function. Is this true? Am I out of step with the current social culture?

I am more than aware that it has changed -- and would debate that it probably hasn't changed for the better with regard to social courtesy. So, in planning any function that entails food, hotel rooms, etc., am I to assume no response is a negative one? -- QUESTIONING IN THE SOUTHEAST

DEAR QUESTIONING: You are not out of step. There is no "new rule," unless the invitation specifies "regrets only." RSVP still means what it always has: "Repondez s'il vous plait." That's French for "Please respond." It doesn't mean to respond only if you plan on being there. Polite people take note of the phone number at the bottom of the invitation, or the little card included with it, and accept or decline.

While it's safe to assume that the individuals you didn't hear from won't be coming, it's also a clue that they may not have been taught good manners.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for more than 10 years and have two children. My wife has a hard time making decisions, which has resulted in some issues such as hoarding, never having gotten a living room set, not replacing old carpets (which is causing potential health issues), not buying a new car or painting the house.

She is always saying, "I'll decide tomorrow, next week, etc.," but it never happens. She refuses to accept that she has a problem and seek help. I'm ready to give up on her, but I'm worried for the children. What should I do and where can she find help? -- CAN'T MAKE A DECISION

DEAR CAN'T MAKE A DECISION: Give your wife a deadline by which to make a decision about the deferred "projects," then make the decision for the both of you. Your wife can find help by asking her doctor for a referral to a licensed mental health provider, but it won't happen until she is willing to admit to herself that she needs it and finally decides to deal with her indecisiveness.

DEAR ABBY: My mother and I haven't spoken in five years. She didn't go to my wedding, nor has she met my children. I want to make up with her and the family, but our argument is not the reason preventing me from reaching out. It's my stepfather.

He has been my dad since I was 5. When I was a teen, he got caught "peeping" at me inappropriately. When my brother discovered it, they got into an altercation. The whole family knows about it, but my mother took no action other than blaming me and telling me to be more careful.

Now, with my own daughter, I worry it could happen to her one day. I miss my family, but am I better off leaving things how they are and remaining strangers? -- ESTRANGED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ESTRANGED: Yes, because you know your stepfather is a peeping Tom -- which has been known to escalate -- and your mother was willing to tolerate it rather than insist on his getting the help he needed.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are retired and can schedule our lives pretty much as we like. However, one thing we disagree on is the scheduling of meals. Formerly, we ate at 7 a.m., noon and 6 p.m. Now my husband wants to eat lunch at 10:30 and dinner at 4 o'clock. It's making me crazy! Pretty soon we'll be eating breakfast the night before.

I have tried talking to him about this, but it makes no difference. Since he does most of the cooking, he just goes ahead on his own schedule. I married him "for better or worse," but not for "brunch"! Help, please. -- ANNOYED IN VIRGINIA

DEAR ANNOYED: I think much depends upon why your husband has changed the schedule. Has he told you why? If it's health-related, accommodate him. If you're not ready to eat when he needs to, have him put some food aside for you to reheat and eat later -- or prepare your own meals.

DEAR READERS: I wish each and every one of you a joyous and meaningful holiday. Merry Christmas, everyone. Love, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: A year ago, my husband of four years disclosed to me that he's transgender. We have a 3-year-old who has medical problems, which has resulted in numerous surgeries. Our lives have changed beyond belief, and I'm afraid our marriage has been damaged beyond repair.

He has come out of the closet, and I have gone into one to protect his secret and hide my heartache and devastation. The pain I feel is mostly for the lifelong struggles my husband has endured, but now I'm feeling the loss of my husband and our happy future together because I can't be the wife he needs.

How do I know that I've tried every option to make this work, especially when I am the only one regularly seeking therapy? When do I resign myself to the fact that my expectations of our marriage will never be achievable? And how do I say I want out without risking his (her) well-being? -- LAST STRAW IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR LAST STRAW: It would be helpful for you to get emotional support in addition to the counselor you have been seeing. There are no "magic words" to tell your husband you can no longer live with the new person he's becoming.

However, I know of a group that can help you. You would benefit greatly by contacting the Straight Spouse Network, a group that was started by Amity Pierce Buxton, Ph.D., in the '80s. It offers peer support, as well as an online (worldwide) network of support groups. Just knowing you're not alone with this problem should be comforting. Find it at www.straightspouse.org.

DEAR ABBY: I have been communicating for three months with a gentleman I met on an online dating site. He says he wants to meet me in person, but every time we get close to setting a time and place, something comes up and he can't keep the date. We live in the same city, so traveling isn't the problem. When I ask why he's canceling our date, the answer is different every time.

I am beginning to think he just wants to communicate via email or chat. We have web-cammed and know what each other looks like, so that is probably not the issue, either. Should I keep waiting him out or just end it? -- PUZZLED IN INDIANA

DEAR PUZZLED: By now it should be obvious that you are carrying on a conversation with someone who doesn't keep his word. He may be married or have misrepresented himself in some other way. If you want a real, flesh-and-blood relationship with someone, stop wasting your time with this person. Move on and don't look back.

DEAR ABBY: With Christmas almost here, I'm wondering how much it would cost today for all of the gifts in the carol "The 12 Days of Christmas"? -- JUST CURIOUS IN ORLANDO, FLORIDA

DEAR JUST CURIOUS: According to an Associated Press story published this year quoting the annual analysis by PNC Wealth Management, those 364 items -- purchasing them each time they are mentioned in the song -- would set the giver back $116,273. Not to belittle those birds, trees, golden rings and various musical artists, perhaps the money could be better spent?