DEAR ABBY: My mother and I haven't spoken in five years. She didn't go to my wedding, nor has she met my children. I want to make up with her and the family, but our argument is not the reason preventing me from reaching out. It's my stepfather.

He has been my dad since I was 5. When I was a teen, he got caught "peeping" at me inappropriately. When my brother discovered it, they got into an altercation. The whole family knows about it, but my mother took no action other than blaming me and telling me to be more careful.

Now, with my own daughter, I worry it could happen to her one day. I miss my family, but am I better off leaving things how they are and remaining strangers? -- ESTRANGED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ESTRANGED: Yes, because you know your stepfather is a peeping Tom -- which has been known to escalate -- and your mother was willing to tolerate it rather than insist on his getting the help he needed.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for more than 10 years and have two children. My wife has a hard time making decisions, which has resulted in some issues such as hoarding, never having gotten a living room set, not replacing old carpets (which is causing potential health issues), not buying a new car or painting the house.

She is always saying, "I'll decide tomorrow, next week, etc.," but it never happens. She refuses to accept that she has a problem and seek help. I'm ready to give up on her, but I'm worried for the children. What should I do and where can she find help? -- CAN'T MAKE A DECISION

DEAR CAN'T MAKE A DECISION: Give your wife a deadline by which to make a decision about the deferred "projects," then make the decision for the both of you. Your wife can find help by asking her doctor for a referral to a licensed mental health provider, but it won't happen until she is willing to admit to herself that she needs it and finally decides to deal with her indecisiveness.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are retired and can schedule our lives pretty much as we like. However, one thing we disagree on is the scheduling of meals. Formerly, we ate at 7 a.m., noon and 6 p.m. Now my husband wants to eat lunch at 10:30 and dinner at 4 o'clock. It's making me crazy! Pretty soon we'll be eating breakfast the night before.

I have tried talking to him about this, but it makes no difference. Since he does most of the cooking, he just goes ahead on his own schedule. I married him "for better or worse," but not for "brunch"! Help, please. -- ANNOYED IN VIRGINIA

DEAR ANNOYED: I think much depends upon why your husband has changed the schedule. Has he told you why? If it's health-related, accommodate him. If you're not ready to eat when he needs to, have him put some food aside for you to reheat and eat later -- or prepare your own meals.

DEAR READERS: I wish each and every one of you a joyous and meaningful holiday. Merry Christmas, everyone. Love, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: A year ago, my husband of four years disclosed to me that he's transgender. We have a 3-year-old who has medical problems, which has resulted in numerous surgeries. Our lives have changed beyond belief, and I'm afraid our marriage has been damaged beyond repair.

He has come out of the closet, and I have gone into one to protect his secret and hide my heartache and devastation. The pain I feel is mostly for the lifelong struggles my husband has endured, but now I'm feeling the loss of my husband and our happy future together because I can't be the wife he needs.

How do I know that I've tried every option to make this work, especially when I am the only one regularly seeking therapy? When do I resign myself to the fact that my expectations of our marriage will never be achievable? And how do I say I want out without risking his (her) well-being? -- LAST STRAW IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR LAST STRAW: It would be helpful for you to get emotional support in addition to the counselor you have been seeing. There are no "magic words" to tell your husband you can no longer live with the new person he's becoming.

However, I know of a group that can help you. You would benefit greatly by contacting the Straight Spouse Network, a group that was started by Amity Pierce Buxton, Ph.D., in the '80s. It offers peer support, as well as an online (worldwide) network of support groups. Just knowing you're not alone with this problem should be comforting. Find it at www.straightspouse.org.

DEAR ABBY: I have been communicating for three months with a gentleman I met on an online dating site. He says he wants to meet me in person, but every time we get close to setting a time and place, something comes up and he can't keep the date. We live in the same city, so traveling isn't the problem. When I ask why he's canceling our date, the answer is different every time.

I am beginning to think he just wants to communicate via email or chat. We have web-cammed and know what each other looks like, so that is probably not the issue, either. Should I keep waiting him out or just end it? -- PUZZLED IN INDIANA

DEAR PUZZLED: By now it should be obvious that you are carrying on a conversation with someone who doesn't keep his word. He may be married or have misrepresented himself in some other way. If you want a real, flesh-and-blood relationship with someone, stop wasting your time with this person. Move on and don't look back.

DEAR ABBY: With Christmas almost here, I'm wondering how much it would cost today for all of the gifts in the carol "The 12 Days of Christmas"? -- JUST CURIOUS IN ORLANDO, FLORIDA

DEAR JUST CURIOUS: According to an Associated Press story published this year quoting the annual analysis by PNC Wealth Management, those 364 items -- purchasing them each time they are mentioned in the song -- would set the giver back $116,273. Not to belittle those birds, trees, golden rings and various musical artists, perhaps the money could be better spent?

DEAR ABBY: I am three years into a relationship with Harold, a man who is separated but not divorced. We both have grown children. Harold was separated when we got involved. He has since moved in with me and is an active bill-paying member of the home.

I was also separated from a brief marriage when we met, and divorced shortly after we started dating. My assumption was that Harold would also be divorcing. As of now, the paperwork remains partially filled out, but no legal proceedings have begun.

I hate this. I have talked to him about it many times, so he knows my feelings. I'm at the "do it or leave" point, but can't seem to get over the hump. I do not plan on marrying -- I just want him to be divorced. What should I do? -- LOOKING FOR LEGALITY IN WASHINGTON

DEAR LOOKING: When you became involved with Harold, did he tell you he was planning on divorcing his wife? There could be reasons why he hasn't gone through with finalizing it. One of them could be religious; another might be financial. A third, the fear that his relationship with his children -- and grandchildren, if there are any -- will be permanently damaged. Or, that marrying you wasn't his objective in the first place, and your saying you didn't want to remarry made you more attractive to him.

If remarriage isn't your goal, why is his finalizing his divorce so important to you? Before you issue an ultimatum, it's crucial that you understand the answer to this question. After that, you will know what -- or what not -- to do.

DEAR ABBY: I have an 11-month-old son. When I was pregnant, I felt I had a great relationship with my mom. She seemed excited about becoming a grandma for the first time, but once my son was born she stayed away for two weeks. When she finally came over, it was only because she happened to be in town for a meeting.

When we met for lunch, she seemed uncomfortable around the baby. I feel hurt that she doesn't seem "into" him or being a grandma. I'm sad she's missing out on so much, but I don't know if I should tell her how I feel. I don't want her to change only because I said something. I'd like her to want to visit.

Should I say something to her, or let it be and continue feeling resentment toward her? -- DISAPPOINTED NEW MOM

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Please try to curb your resentment until after you have discussed this with your mother, which is necessary in light of the fact that you have always had a good relationship with her.

In the weeks after your son was born, she may have been trying to give you space and time to bond with your newborn. She may also be busy, or uncomfortable around babies and toddlers who can't yet communicate. Believe it or not, some people -- even grandparents -- feel that way, although they are hesitant to admit it.