DEAR ABBY: A year ago, my husband of four years disclosed to me that he's transgender. We have a 3-year-old who has medical problems, which has resulted in numerous surgeries. Our lives have changed beyond belief, and I'm afraid our marriage has been damaged beyond repair.

He has come out of the closet, and I have gone into one to protect his secret and hide my heartache and devastation. The pain I feel is mostly for the lifelong struggles my husband has endured, but now I'm feeling the loss of my husband and our happy future together because I can't be the wife he needs.

How do I know that I've tried every option to make this work, especially when I am the only one regularly seeking therapy? When do I resign myself to the fact that my expectations of our marriage will never be achievable? And how do I say I want out without risking his (her) well-being? -- LAST STRAW IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR LAST STRAW: It would be helpful for you to get emotional support in addition to the counselor you have been seeing. There are no "magic words" to tell your husband you can no longer live with the new person he's becoming.

However, I know of a group that can help you. You would benefit greatly by contacting the Straight Spouse Network, a group that was started by Amity Pierce Buxton, Ph.D., in the '80s. It offers peer support, as well as an online (worldwide) network of support groups. Just knowing you're not alone with this problem should be comforting. Find it at www.straightspouse.org.

DEAR ABBY: I have been communicating for three months with a gentleman I met on an online dating site. He says he wants to meet me in person, but every time we get close to setting a time and place, something comes up and he can't keep the date. We live in the same city, so traveling isn't the problem. When I ask why he's canceling our date, the answer is different every time.

I am beginning to think he just wants to communicate via email or chat. We have web-cammed and know what each other looks like, so that is probably not the issue, either. Should I keep waiting him out or just end it? -- PUZZLED IN INDIANA

DEAR PUZZLED: By now it should be obvious that you are carrying on a conversation with someone who doesn't keep his word. He may be married or have misrepresented himself in some other way. If you want a real, flesh-and-blood relationship with someone, stop wasting your time with this person. Move on and don't look back.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am three years into a relationship with Harold, a man who is separated but not divorced. We both have grown children. Harold was separated when we got involved. He has since moved in with me and is an active bill-paying member of the home.

I was also separated from a brief marriage when we met, and divorced shortly after we started dating. My assumption was that Harold would also be divorcing. As of now, the paperwork remains partially filled out, but no legal proceedings have begun.

I hate this. I have talked to him about it many times, so he knows my feelings. I'm at the "do it or leave" point, but can't seem to get over the hump. I do not plan on marrying -- I just want him to be divorced. What should I do? -- LOOKING FOR LEGALITY IN WASHINGTON

DEAR LOOKING: When you became involved with Harold, did he tell you he was planning on divorcing his wife? There could be reasons why he hasn't gone through with finalizing it. One of them could be religious; another might be financial. A third, the fear that his relationship with his children -- and grandchildren, if there are any -- will be permanently damaged. Or, that marrying you wasn't his objective in the first place, and your saying you didn't want to remarry made you more attractive to him.

If remarriage isn't your goal, why is his finalizing his divorce so important to you? Before you issue an ultimatum, it's crucial that you understand the answer to this question. After that, you will know what -- or what not -- to do.

DEAR ABBY: I have an 11-month-old son. When I was pregnant, I felt I had a great relationship with my mom. She seemed excited about becoming a grandma for the first time, but once my son was born she stayed away for two weeks. When she finally came over, it was only because she happened to be in town for a meeting.

When we met for lunch, she seemed uncomfortable around the baby. I feel hurt that she doesn't seem "into" him or being a grandma. I'm sad she's missing out on so much, but I don't know if I should tell her how I feel. I don't want her to change only because I said something. I'd like her to want to visit.

Should I say something to her, or let it be and continue feeling resentment toward her? -- DISAPPOINTED NEW MOM

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Please try to curb your resentment until after you have discussed this with your mother, which is necessary in light of the fact that you have always had a good relationship with her.

In the weeks after your son was born, she may have been trying to give you space and time to bond with your newborn. She may also be busy, or uncomfortable around babies and toddlers who can't yet communicate. Believe it or not, some people -- even grandparents -- feel that way, although they are hesitant to admit it.

DEAR ABBY: I am a soldier in Afghanistan who is single with few friends, if you would even call them that. We work 24/7. No days off, no breaks. It's not an easy life. You would not believe how nice it is to receive a message from family or friends.

Don't get me wrong, I have a loving family who support me and everything I do. When I first got here, I'd get a message from them at least once a week. But now that I am seven months into a 12-month deployment, it has been almost two months since I have gotten anything.

Now, I know if I reach out and send a message -- which I have done -- I'll get replies, but am I wrong for not wanting to have to do that? Is it wrong to wish that I could come in, relax, and find a message waiting for me? I know they love me and are busy with their lives, but sometimes it seems that I am forgotten. It would be comforting to know someone is thinking about me. Any day now could be my last. -- DEPLOYED SOLDIER

DEAR DEPLOYED SOLDIER: Because you're feeling lonely and forgotten, it's important to let your family and friends back home know how you feel. They are not mind readers. You say you heard from them in the early months of your deployment. But have you reached out to them recently? If you haven't, they may assume you are being kept so busy that you are unable to stay in touch with them. The surest way to get what you need is to communicate -- and that applies to more situations in life than this one.

DEAR ABBY: I am a senior in high school in Texas. Everyone has decided which college they want to go to and what they want to be. I have no clue. It is frustrating, because when adults ask what my plans for the future are and I say I don't know, they look at me like I'm stupid.

I feel 18 years isn't long enough to figure all that out. I am an introvert, and I would really like to open up a cute little cafe in New York when I am older. But every time I tell someone this is what I'd like to do, they ask how I'm going to make money at it. They're right -- I can't make a living off a coffee shop, especially with the high cost of living in New York.

I'm lost and don't know what to do. I have less than a year to figure things out, and it's starting to stress me. Please give me some advice. I need a friend. -- LOST IN TEXAS

DEAR LOST: You not only need a friend, you also need a counselor to help you find direction. If there isn't one at your school, consider discussing this with a career counselor at a nearby university or community college. Some courses in business administration would be valuable for you so you can learn the nuts and bolts about running a business and avoid common mistakes that might cause yours to fail.

Some classes in commercial cooking would also be helpful. If there isn't a trade school nearby that offers them, consider working for a year or two in the restaurant industry to see how it functions. Many of the best chefs in the world started out that way, and you will learn quickly if this is something you really want to pursue.

P.S. Being an introvert doesn't have to stop you, if you partner with someone who's a people person to work the front of the shop and teach you the art of "schmoozing."