DEAR ABBY: When our son got married 10 years ago, we tried to establish a relationship with his wife. We found her to be strong-willed and controlling, and sadly accepted that she was determined to exclude us from their lives. We realized she didn't want to share him with anyone else. We spent no holidays together, but when I requested to see them once a year on my son's birthday, we would meet halfway for a meal to keep the visit short.

After they had two children, we were allowed to see them on their birthdays. Gifts were always accepted and we were thanked. As the years passed, we were also allowed some phone calls and Skyping. But now, since his father died last year, my son agrees with his wife that no further contact with me is necessary.

I have two questions: First, do I continue to send gifts and cards to them? Second, if the children, now 5 and 7, are no longer allowed to see me, do I change my will? -- HEARTBROKEN GRANDMA

DEAR HEARTBROKEN GRANDMA: What a sad situation. If your grandchildren are not allowed to see you, then you really will no longer have a relationship. Continue trying to maintain contact, however, and perhaps the situation will improve later. You can do with your assets exactly as you please, but don't make any snap decisions now.

DEAR ABBY: I have decided that when I have kids I don't want to do the whole "Santa" thing. I'd rather tell them about the real St. Nicholas and what it means to give rather than to receive. Even though I'm not religious, I'll tell them about the birth of Jesus (even though he wasn't born in December), and tell them about the winter solstice.

After working years of retail, I have seen firsthand what people can be like around the holidays, especially parents buying expensive, high-demand/low-supply things for their kids, and parents who put themselves in debt to make their kids happy. I am saddened by stories of kids writing to Santa and asking him to get their unemployed parents money for food.

Most people I have spoken with disagree with my decision. They call me a Scrooge or say I'm "taking my kids' innocence away."

What do you think? Do you think I'm awful for wanting to teach them about charitable St. Nick, instead of commercializing Santa Claus? -- SANTA-LESS IN COLORADO

DEAR SANTA-LESS: I agree you should talk to your children about the birth of Jesus, as well as the pagan festivals that Christmas replaced, if you wish. While you're at it, also stress to them what the spirit of Christmas is supposed to be -- even if it seems sometimes lost in the commercialism of the holiday.

However, wait until your children ask you about Santa. When they do, tell them the truth. That way, they will learn that when they ask their mother something, they will always be given an honest answer.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 15-year-old girl. For the past year I have been self-injuring. I take a sharp object and scrape the skin off until it bleeds. My mom saw the scars on my arm. I have 15 other ones, but she doesn't know about them.

I have to keep lying to her and it hurts. I want to stop, but I can't. How can I tell her I lied? I know she will be very upset. -- STUCK IN UTAH

DEAR STUCK: Go to your mother, tell her that you need to talk to her about something important, but you are afraid she will be angry with you. Ask her to hear you out before she reacts. Then tell her everything you have told me and ask for her help. That's what mothers are for.

If necessary, show her your letter to me and my response because she needs to understand that when individuals self-injure, it is often to cope with serious depression -- which is an illness -- and it takes the help of a mental health professional to stop.

DEAR ABBY: My husband took up the guitar about 10 years ago. I thought it was a great idea at first and encouraged his interest. Within two years of his learning to play, I was expected to sit, listen to him and never interrupt a song.

Needless to say, his demands have not gone over well with me. This is his hobby, not mine. He plays well, but can't sing a note. When he does, he sounds like a cat in heat, and he likes to perform like he's playing for a crowd.

My peace and quiet at home are gone. He says I don't support him. What is your take on this? -- WANTS PEACE AND QUIET

DEAR WANTS: Your husband wants praise and validation, and you should give it to him in the area where it's deserved -- for having mastered the guitar. However, because his singing needs tweaking, be honest and tactfully suggest he find a vocal coach to help him in that area. If he reacts defensively, be sure to mention that some of the finest singers in the world get coaching throughout their careers to avoid damaging their vocal cords.

PS. Perhaps you should encourage him to find other musicians to start a group. That way, he'll have an outlet for his talent and you'll be free (at last!).

DEAR ABBY: I am an eighth-grader in junior high, and there is a girl I really like. My problem is I'm afraid to tell her I love her.

I know she likes someone else and wants to go out with him, but I don't know if she likes me. When I'm home, I write her poems, and I want to drop them off at her locker, but I am scared to. We are in three classes together. Do you have any advice? -- NERVOUS BOY

DEAR NERVOUS BOY: Yes. If you're smart, you'll wait until that girl is over her crush before declaring your feelings for her. The boy she has her eye on may or may not be interested in her. But as long as she's fixated on him, she won't be receptive to a romance with you, and it could be embarrassing if you say anything prematurely. (The same goes for anonymously dropping off your literary efforts at her locker.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been divorced for more than a year and recently started dating a very nice man, "John." My eldest daughter and her children live with me. I'd like to be able to invite John over to our house, but my daughter doesn't want "strange men" around her kids, which I understand. I tried suggesting that she meet John before assuming that he is a strange man, but she's hesitant about meeting him.

Abby, I'd like to be able to spend some nights at home with him instead of always going out. It hurts because I have allowed the father of her children to live with us, yet I can't have someone I care about visit me at the home I work hard to pay for.

Please, Abby. I need advice on how to make my relationship with him and her work. -- STRESSED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR STRESSED: I wish I had more information about your daughter and her attitude. Did she disapprove of your divorce from her father and harbor hopes that you will reconcile? Could she be worried that if you and John become serious, she will have to find another place to live? That she'd refuse to even meet him seems peculiar.

It was generous of you to allow her children's father to live under your roof. (Has he left yet?) Notice that I said "under your roof." If you want to entertain a guest, as the person who pays the mortgage, that should be your privilege. If that makes her uncomfortable, perhaps it would be better if she took the children to their father's or another relative's place for the evening.

You are entitled to live your life without your daughter controlling you, but it appears that may be exactly what she's trying to do.

DEAR ABBY: I am a very good swing dancer. I'm 22 and have been doing it since my sophomore year of high school. When I dance I feel alive and free.

My boyfriend of two years, "Jonah," whom I love dearly, isn't good at it. But he says he wants to learn so we can dance together.

We're going dancing this weekend and, truthfully, I don't want to go with him. When I asked him if it would be OK if I danced with some other dancer friends as well as with him, he said he was insulted and hurt by the question, and it would make him too jealous. I explained that I want to help him learn when we take lessons, but in the meantime, I want to dance freely.

I have ignored this issue for two years because I knew it would lead to a conflict. Should I suppress my love of dancing until Jonah is at my level or follow my heart and dance my socks off? -- BALLROOM BETSY

DEAR BALLROOM BETSY: How is Jonah doing with those dancing lessons? Has he even started? What if it turns out he has two left feet?

That he can't stand the idea of you dancing some of the dances with anyone else is a sign of insecurity. Are you willing to give up swing dancing to please him? If the answer is no, it may be time to change partners.