DEAR ABBY: I have a 17-year-old son. He spends half his time with me and the other half with his mom. My question is about his cellphone.

I can use an app on my phone to see the location of his phone. A friend of mine tells me I shouldn't stalk him or spy on him this way. She says it shows I don't trust or respect him. My son knows I can -- and do -- check on him using the GPS function in the phone, and he can do the same to locate me.

Checking on him from time to time gives me some comfort. I can't see who he's with or what he's doing, but I can see if he's where I expect him to be.

What do you think? Am I harming him by checking on him? Or am I "stalking" him, as my friend says? -- DAD WHO CARES IN OHIO

DEAR DAD: You and your friend appear to have different parenting styles. As long as your son is aware that you occasionally check his whereabouts, I don't consider what you're doing to be either harmful or stalking. As a parent, you have a right to know where your minor child is, and the GPS feature you describe has been known to save lives in the event of an emergency.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a sophomore in high school. I know this sounds awful, but I hate my father. If anyone disagrees with anything he says, that person is always wrong and he is right. (This includes scientific facts.) He is also a bigot who says horribly racist, sexist and homophobic things.

He has made me feel awful about the choices I have made in athletics and academics, and he gets angry at the drop of a hat for little things, like if I haven't organized the shoes in my closet. He yells and guilt trips my little sister until she cries.

I don't think I can take three more years of this. I'm uncomfortable anytime I'm around him. I can't talk to him because it's his way or the highway, and Mom doesn't want to make him angry, so she says nothing. What do I do? -- DISTRESSED DAUGHTER

DEAR DAUGHTER: Your father appears to be a man with a lot of problems, but you can't fix them. Because your mother is afraid to speak up, he probably won't change. She may stay with him because she's afraid she can't support herself and you girls on her own. Learn from her example, and resolve to be economically independent before you marry anyone.

Recognize that your father is the product of the way he was raised. It's likely he learned to be a bigot and verbal abuser from his own parents. Make up your mind that you will never be that way.

Because you are uncomfortable around your father, spend less time around him if you can. Try to be supportive of your sister, because she needs it and will as long as she lives in that house. And remember, three more years may seem like forever now, but in the scheme of things, it isn't. Once you are no longer a minor and have a job, you can arrange to get out of there.

DEAR ABBY: I work with a wonderful, good-hearted young woman who holds a low-paying job. She's raising three children alone, and I know she struggles to provide the necessities. I have learned that the holidays at their home are pretty meager.

My husband and I have been discussing the many frivolous indulgences at our family Christmas and would like to suggest to our grown children that this year we pool our resources and send the money anonymously to this family a week or so before Christmas. Would it be rude to ask our kids for the money in advance? Unfortunately, there may be a couple who would prefer to receive gifts. How should we handle this? -- TENNESSEE READER

DEAR READER: Your impulse is generous. Start now by telling your grown children, "You know, I've been thinking ..." then discuss what you're considering and the reasons for it. Make participation in the project voluntary so that those who wish to can contribute the money they would have spent on gifts for you to the fund. Write (small) checks to those who would rather receive gifts than donate to your co-worker. You can't "force" others to be generous, and frankly, you shouldn't try.

DEAR ABBY: When visiting friends I usually prefer to stay in a hotel, but my friend insisted I stay at her place so we could have more time to visit and make the most of our weekend together. On my last day, I woke up to find a note on my bedroom door instructing me how to clean the bedroom and bathroom in a specific manner before my departure.

I was mortified, not only by the request but by the way the note was written, requesting that I wipe down the shower walls and tub, and bag my trash. I complied with her request, but I wasn't happy. I left the bathroom in a cleaner condition than it was when I arrived.

When I got home I sent my hostess a thank-you note for her hospitality. I haven't spoken to her since.

Over the years, I have entertained many guests in my home. I have always provided them with meals, drinks, towels and a clean room. I have never left a note for anyone to clean. Is there a new etiquette policy for guests that I don't know about? -- STILL UPSET IN SEATTLE

DEAR STILL UPSET: I have never heard of any rule of etiquette that says this was OK. However, the night before you were scheduled to leave, you should have asked your hostess how she would like the room left.

I have "houseguested" in homes in which I was asked to strip the bed and leave my used towels in the laundry room when my visit was over. And as a polite guest, I happily complied. However, I have never been told to scrub a bathroom or been issued instructions on how to do it. If you choose to speak to this woman again, you have nothing to lose by telling her how you felt after reading her note -- and I think you should.

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DEAR ABBY: You sometimes print letters from people who are looking to meet decent, honorable and interesting other people. While you have recommended volunteering, joining health clubs, going to church -- and staying out of bars -- something I have yet to see mentioned is a community-based arts organization.

Someone who is musically inclined might look for a local band, orchestra or community chorus. But I'd like to put in a word for community theater. A person doesn't have to be a performer; these groups need people to build sets, make costumes, locate props, run the backstage operations during a performance, etc. In the front of the house, they need people for promotion, selling tickets, ushering and soliciting donations from sponsors.

I met my husband of 30-plus years through a community theater group, and know of several other long-term marriages that came about the same way. I'm a seamstress, so I have made my share of costumes. But I have also learned how to frame a wall and build a staircase while working on set construction.

Even if you don't find that special someone, you will make dozens of new friends and have the satisfaction of accomplishing something at the same time. -- ALWAYS BUSY IN DES MOINES

DEAR ALWAYS BUSY: I love your suggestion. Not everyone is meant to be in front of the footlights, but that doesn't mean one can't be an important member of the team. And community theater is definitely a team effort.

DEAR ABBY: I find my wife's daughter and son-in-law, who live nearby, to be very unlikable. Her daughter is gossipy, arrogant, smug and superficial. The husband is ill-mannered, devoid of social skills, lazy, impossible to carry on a normal conversation with and, worst of all, a liar.

Naturally, I am expected to see them often, and the more I am around them, the less I like them. This has become apparent to my wife. We have had more than a few "spirited discussions" about it, which I view as a real threat to the long-term well-being of our marriage.

I have tried mightily for her sake to overlook their major personality and character flaws, with no success. I don't want another divorce. Please help. -- DESPERATE IN THE MID-ATLANTIC

DEAR DESPERATE: If you love your wife and don't want this marriage ruined, accept that you are going to have to accommodate to some degree her insufferable daughter and son-in-law. This does not mean you must love them or even enjoy their company. It does mean working out a compromise that includes spending some time with them.

You and your wife are not joined at the hip. Every visit doesn't have to include you. Take up some hobbies you can enjoy on your own. Develop a sense of humor where they are concerned. If you do, you won't force your wife to choose between you and her child, because the chances are you would lose.

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