DEAR ABBY: My daughter, the mother of six children, has left her husband and is now involved in a three-way with a man and woman. She has not shielded her kids from these "new friends," as she calls them. Because I won't let her "friends" come along, she refuses to visit me.

I love my daughter, but I consider this relationship to be sick, and I hate that she's exposing her children to these people. Am I wrong to tell her to leave her bedroom activity out of the picture and visit me for just a day without them? We were always very close, but no more. -- DISTRESSED MIDWESTERN GRANNY

DEAR DISTRESSED: I'm sure you love your daughter, but sometimes the way we phrase things can get in the way of the message we are trying to convey. Perhaps if you invited her to visit "because you love her and would like to spend some mother-daughter time with her," it would be perceived as less judgmental and more welcoming.

She may be reluctant to spend time alone with you because she knows it will result in a lecture from you about her lifestyle. Remember, she's an adult woman and can make decisions about her sex life for herself. While you and I may think it's unwise for her to expose her children to this triad, that message might be more appropriate coming from their father, rather than her mother.

DEAR ABBY: For the past few months I have been dating a man I'll call "Barry." This is my first relationship in five years and we get along well.

When we first met, I was physically attracted to Barry for many reasons, but in particular because he had a gorgeous beard. A beard is kind of important for me. Some women like tall men, others like long hair. I'm a "beard woman."

The problem is, Barry has told me I ogle any beard I see (not true). And he now gets annoyed if I look at or compliment his beard. A few days ago, he shaved it off.

I care about Barry, but I'm not as attracted to him when he's clean-shaven. I think he did it as an act of defiance. How can I get him to understand that I don't ogle every beard I see, and convince him to keep his whiskers without hurting his ego? -- FUZZ-LOVING IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR FUZZ-LOVING: Barry may have shaved the beard as "an act of defiance" -- or not. He may have done it because it was uncomfortably hot or itchy, and he prefers being clean-shaven. My advice is to ask him -- in a non-hostile way -- why he got rid of it.

Many people think that the person behind a beard is what's most important. However, if you're not one of them, because he's no longer willing to wear one, you may have to look elsewhere for a furry friend.

DEAR ABBY: I am at a loss about what to tell certain friends and family members about my job. I work in the adult industry to put myself through college, and I'm having a hard time finding a lie I can stick to. While I am not ashamed of what I do, I certainly can't tell my grandfather. This puts me in the awkward predicament of having to be dishonest with someone I love. Do you have any advice? -- LIVING A DOUBLE LIFE

DEAR LIVING: Yes. Because lying to your friends and relatives makes you uncomfortable, consider some other way to pay for your education.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in love with a man with a big heart. He was my boyfriend when we were both 6 years old. We lost touch for many years, but when I ran into him again we reconnected with a vengeance. We are great together, and I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else.

We come from a small town, and he remained there until a year ago when he moved in with me. We now live in a major city and things are very different here. Applying for jobs requires a background check. In the small town we are from, it wasn't a common practice. He was, to put it gently, quite "mischievous" when he was younger. He has a couple of DUIs, plus a few other things.

During the past year he has turned things around, but despite his efforts he has been unable to find work. (He has no felonies.) There are websites to assist felons, but none to assist people like him. He has been to unemployment and temp agencies -- nothing. I'm getting desperate. How does someone with a criminal history find employment? -- FEELING HELPLESS IN VIRGINIA

DEAR FEELING HELPLESS: That's a good question, and it's one that legislators have been looking into. Some laws in certain jurisdictions limit an employer's ability to look at criminal records. It might be worth your while to discuss this with a labor lawyer in your state to find out what the statutes are, because it is not the same in all states. While it might not solve your problem, it will give you a realistic idea of what the two of you are facing in the future.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my dear husband for 20 years. Several years after our wedding, I found out he was dipping chewing tobacco. I was very upset because I realized he had been keeping a major secret from me. He has tried to quit several times, but starts up again.

It makes me furious every time I see proof of this disgusting habit. I have had to lie to my kids when evidence was left in his truck. I'm at my wits' end. I know he will quit only when he is ready, but how do I live with it? -- UNHAPPY ABOUT IT IN TEXAS

DEAR UNHAPPY: People who are addicted to chewing tobacco are at risk for cancers of the mouth, tongue and throat. I would be shocked if your husband's dentist hasn't discussed this with him more than once, because these cancers can be not only disfiguring but also life-threatening, if the patient can be saved.

There are medical interventions to help people who are hooked on tobacco -- but only if they want to be tobacco-free. An online community, TheQuit.org, offers information on helping someone stop chewing tobacco. Check it out.

My advice for living with an addict is to join a support group. It will help you recognize that you can't "fix" your husband. He and he alone is responsible for his own fate.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 62-year-old grandfather of a 5-year-old granddaughter. The other day I had her for the entire day. I decided to make a list of the things we were to accomplish throughout the course of the day. It turned out to be a great success. After completing each task, she would ask, "What's next on the list?"

The first item, No. 1, was to do our "strong" (that's what we call exercise). No. 2 was to write her alphabet and numbers. No. 3 was to "go on an adventure" (that's what we call walking the dog and exploring the nearby field).

Nos. 4, 5 and 6 -- go to the bank, get the car washed, then go to the park to swing, slide, etc. After the park, she asked if we could go to our favorite restaurant across the street. I replied, "How did you know that was next on the list?" Her expression was priceless.

After lunch we went home and did No. 8 -- another adventure, which was take the dogs for a walk again. No. 9 was painting time (what 5-year-old doesn't like to paint?). After cleaning up it was time for No. 10, wash the dishes and Swiffer the floor. No. 11 she could choose something to do. We spent the next two hours playing with her dolls.

At about 5:30 my daughter came to pick her up from an exhausted grandpa. Lists will be part of our routine from now on. I slept like a log that night and hope to have many nights and days just like it in the future. -- GRANDPA ROBERT IN LEXINGTON, KY.

DEAR GRANDPA ROBERT: Your grandchild is lucky not only to have such a loving and dedicated grandpa, but also one with your stamina. I sometimes hear from grandparents -- and other adults -- who ask me for suggestions about how to better connect with their young children. Your letter is a road map that will take them in the right direction.

DEAR ABBY: During one of their "stay up all night drinking beer and talking" sessions six months ago, my husband, "Ralph," and his best friend of more than 20 years, "Jim," had a huge fight. They haven't spoken since.

Ralph has tried at least three times to contact Jim by phone and email with no response. If Ralph's version of the story is true, they both behaved badly. Ralph has sincerely tried to apologize, but Jim refuses to speak to him.

It breaks my heart to see how much this has upset my husband. I am still Facebook friends with Jim, and every time I see him online I'm tempted to say something to him, but so far I have resisted. Would it be crossing the line for me to reach out and see if he'll talk to me about this? Or should I stay out of it? -- HOPEFUL PEACEMAKER IN ARIZONA

DEAR HOPEFUL PEACEMAKER: I know you mean well, but it would be a mistake to put yourself in the middle. Whatever happened between your husband and his friend must have been a doozy.

You state that this happened during one of their all-night drinking and talking sessions. To me this indicates that one or both of them may have alcohol issues that need to be addressed. This is what should be mentioned, but only to your spouse. If the loss of his long-standing friendship has been painful enough, he may be willing to listen.