DEAR ABBY: I would like to weigh in on your response to "Day Care Drama in Indiana" (Sept. 1), whose neighbor screams at the children in her day care. I worked for 25 years investigating serious complaints, many involving verbal abuse, against day care providers for my state's licensing agency. It is critical for this reader to contact Indiana's licensing agency and make a complaint.

Verbal abuse is extremely damaging to young children, and parents are often reluctant to believe their provider would subject their children to such cruelty. Also, if your reader is hearing screaming, there could easily be hitting taking place as well.

If your reader were to approach the children's parents individually as you advised, they would likely discount him/her as a "cranky neighbor." However, if the licensing investigator were to pay a visit and interview the older past and present children, as we do in our state, the provider would be cited -- or closed down -- and the findings could be presented to the parents by an objective party. -- RETIRED BUT CONCERNED

DEAR RETIRED BUT CONCERNED: Thank you for correcting me. Many readers agreed that this situation should be reported immediately to the agency that monitors day care centers. To remain silent and allow the abuse to continue would also be child abuse.

Many also suggested contacting Child Protective Services and afterward following up to make sure this issue has been investigated. If not, the local police should then be notified.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Brenda" for three months. For the most part it has been amazing. I know she's the woman I want to marry and be with for the rest of my life.

I would do anything for her, which is why I'm having a hard time. We had a great sexual relationship until a week ago, when she decided she wants to wait until we are married to have sex again. For me, sex is an extremely important part of a relationship. I feel close to Brenda physically and emotionally through sex. Now that she's refusing, I don't feel as close to her.

Brenda cites her religious faith and setting an example for her kids as the reasons she now wants to wait. I'm having a hard time understanding her point of view and am looking for guidance from you on coping with the loss of something so valuable to me. Obviously, I am willing to wait until marriage, but how do I deal with this until then? -- DISAPPOINTED IN RENO

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: If you are confused about your lady friend's "180," I think you're justified. If her religious beliefs prevented her from having sex before marriage, she wouldn't have jumped the gun -- and I'm assuming the two of you weren't making love in front of her children. Her change in behavior may be an attempt to hasten the date of your wedding.

However, because you no longer feel as close to her, put on the brakes and start premarital counseling. The first subject on the agenda should be a frank discussion about sex and what it means to both of you. It will help you understand each other better before you commit for a lifetime, because three months isn't very long for a couple to date, and you really don't know Brenda very well yet.

DEAR ABBY: Halloween is around the corner, and my 7-year-old daughter has decided to be a cowgirl. She wants the boots, the hat and the gun.

Is it appropriate to let her have a holster and an obviously toy gun to accessorize her costume for trick-or-treating? She would not be taking that part of her costume to school on Halloween. I live in a part of the country where guns are an important part of our culture, but I am unsure how to proceed. -- CONFUSED ABOUT HALLOWEEN IN MONTANA

DEAR CONFUSED: Guns may be an important part of the culture where you live, but how do you feel about them? If it's all right with you, and the weapon your child carries is obviously a toy, then there should be no problem as you take her from house to house collecting her goodies. But there is nothing wrong with a 7-year-old cowgirl not having a gun and holster as part of her costume. If you need verification, have her check out the character Jessie in the movie "Toy Story 2."

P.S. Having her not take a toy gun to school is wise because many schools have strict policies about weapons -- including toy weapons -- being brought on campus.

DEAR ABBY: A female acquaintance recently asked me to submit a reference letter for her in order to help her in a custody battle with her ex-husband. She had problems with drugs and alcohol in the past, but has been sober for more than a year now. She wants the recommendation letter to reflect how much she has changed for the better.

I didn't know her a year ago and didn't witness the change. Also, from what little I have seen, her parenting skills are questionable at best. How do I proceed? Ignoring her request isn't an option because she has asked multiple times. -- ACQUAINTANCE IN GEORGIA

DEAR ACQUAINTANCE: Tell your acquaintance a version of what you have told me, that you're not comfortable writing the letter because you have known her only a relatively short time and haven't witnessed how far she has come. It's honest. (Do not mention that you think her parenting skills are lacking if you would like to maintain the relationship.)

DEAR ABBY: I often shop at a convenience store on the corner for various things. It is run by two men I see fairly often, but rarely talk to. I would like to thank them for being available nearly every hour of the week, year-round. How can I appropriately show my thanks?

I think supporting their business might be the best way, but I'm not sure what else to do other than simply continue buying from them. Do you have any advice? -- APPRECIATIVE IN ALBANY, N.Y.

DEAR APPRECIATIVE: I believe that if people have something nice to say, they shouldn't keep it inside. Tell the men their efforts are appreciated. I'm sure they'll be pleased to know their hard work is recognized. Other than that, mention it to others who live in the area. It's good publicity for the store, and it might increase their business.

DEAR ABBY: I am a retired widow, crippled with rheumatoid arthritis. Every October, I start dreading Halloween, which I consider to be a legal form of extortion.

Living on Social Security, I really don't want to waste money for candy. Also, it is difficult for me to get up and down every five minutes to hand out candy. Too many of the "children" are 16- to 19-year-old males.

I have tried keeping the lights off and "hiding" in my bedroom, but I wake the next morning to find toilet paper in my trees and shrubbery. Once, my front door had been sprayed "Stingy Old Witch." The police said they couldn't act because I didn't see who did it. Of course, even if I had seen them, they probably would have been in a costume. Do you have any suggestions? -- GROUCHY GRANDMA IN AUSTIN, TEXAS

DEAR GRANDMA: Yes. Because what you've done hasn't worked, buy a large bag of inexpensive candy -- they are often for sale at this time of year -- and when the "extortionists" knock on your door, pay up. Because your physical condition makes it difficult for you to get up and down, enlist the help of a relative or neighbor to help you dole it out, or leave the bowl outside by your door with a note saying: "Take one."

DEAR ABBY: I have been HIV-positive for more than 20 years and I am in good health. I never told anyone in my family about it.

I have now returned to my hometown after being away for 40-plus years. I want to tell my father and brothers that I'm HIV-positive, but I don't want to alarm them or have them start meddling in my life. I feel like I'm lying by not telling them. What should I do? -- I'VE GOT A SECRET

DEAR GOT A SECRET: Maintaining one's privacy is not lying. Because your intuition tells you that if you disclose your HIV status to your family they will be "alarmed or start meddling," don't do it. You're in good health, your HIV is being well managed and the only person who has to know is your sex partner.

DEAR ABBY: If I name my son after myself, he will be called "Jr." or "II." But what if my wife named her daughter after herself? I have never heard of it happening, but I just wondered. Would she be called "Jr." or "the II," too? -- HARRY IN ATHENS, GA.

DEAR HARRY: According to Emily Post, the answer is yes. Junior, Senior, II and III are suffixes used by men, but can also be used by women.

DEAR ABBY: My 9-year-old niece asked her mother what kind of makeup would cover her freckles -- her beautiful freckles that God put on her face, a part of her. It made me want to cry.

She has also been begging her mother to let her dye her brunette hair blond (like a little girl at school does). How can we convince her that she's perfect as she is? -- AUNTIE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR AUNTIE: Start by telling her you think she is beautiful just the way she is, and that some people think freckles are angels' kisses and she should be proud of them because not everyone is lucky enough to have them.

As to coloring her hair, say that if she still wants to do it when she's older, her mother will consider it. But once a person starts, it has to be maintained or it looks fake -- as she will notice when her friend's roots start to show. In time she'll realize you are right.