DEAR ABBY: I had my last cigarette and drink of alcohol 50 years ago. Back then, excessive drinking, smoking, overeating or nail-biting were signs of weak will, sinfulness, bad upbringing and who knows what else.

Fortunately, over the years the pendulum swung, making it possible for literally millions of people to get into recovery for what we now know is a disease -- addiction.

Unfortunately, the pendulum is now swinging back again. Now everyone has a "disease" over which they have no control. Therefore, they have an excuse to drink too much, overeat, eat sugar while taking their insulin -- the list goes on and on.

Sadly, this business of taking no responsibility for one's own health and -- worse yet -- often blaming someone or something else for the problem, takes away from those who are taking responsibility for themselves. Getting by with a third DUI, or verbally abusing your spouse, being excused for being late to work for the fourth time because of one's "disease" all contribute to the continuation of the stigma which many of us have been fighting for so long.

Addiction is a disease, and there are many avenues of recovery: mental, spiritual, medical, intellectual and philosophical. What they all have in common is they require a commitment to getting well and, more importantly, a determination to recover.

It is true that there are people with serious maladies that cannot be controlled by any means. My heart goes out to them. Fortunately, they are few and far between and the medical profession is working hard to find answers for them.

Abby, I want to reinforce your dedication to promoting personal responsibility. It is desperately needed! -- ROBERTA MEYER, FORMER PRESIDENT, NATIONAL COUNCIL ON ALCOHOL AND DRUG DEPENDENCE -- CALIFORNIA

DEAR ROBERTA: Your letter contains many important truths, and thank you for taking the time to write. As I have said in columns past, the first step in solving a problem is admitting there is one and deciding to do something about it. The same is true for addiction. That's why 12-step programs are so effective. In these programs, people gain emotional support from others who are traveling the same path to recovery.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in our 70s and have been married five years. I don't understand his telling me that the reason we don't have sex is because I always have too many clothes on. He says it's too much trouble.

I wear normal clothing, and I undress for the occasion. What am I not understanding about his thoughts on this subject? -- CONFUSED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR CONFUSED: I suspect your husband may not be giving you a straight answer because he's embarrassed. When a man says sex is "too much trouble," it's usually because he's having trouble performing. The problem may be his sex drive has diminished or it could be physical. But it won't be resolved unless he's willing to have a frank conversation about it with his doctor. For your sake, urge him to do it.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a teenage girl who is frustrated with my family. I am the middle child, and it seems like my parents prefer my brother and sister over me. I am constantly in trouble for things they have done, and my parents are aware that they did.

When I try to express my feelings, nobody will listen. Several times I have almost committed suicide or run away. I am lost and I don't know what to do. Please help me. -- NOWHERE IN INDIANA

DEAR NOWHERE: When a person cries out in pain and feels she (or he) isn't heard, it can be doubly painful. But suicide or running away is not the answer. What you need to do is explain to an adult -- an aunt, uncle, school counselor or close family friend -- how you are feeling, so that person can intercede on your behalf with your parents, who may not realize what they're doing and the effect it's having on you.

DEAR ABBY: How long is too long to wait when it comes to hearing the highly anticipated phrase, "I love you"? My boyfriend and I have been dating for eight months. We have been through a lot together during this time, and his actions suggest that he loves me. When I finally asked him why he hasn't said it to me, he said, "Why haven't you said it?" "I want it to happen naturally," and, "Just be patient with me."

We get along amazingly well. We have a wonderful time every time we see each other (which is almost every day), and he has told me he can see a future with me. Am I wrong for thinking I deserve to hear the "L" word at this point, or am I rushing things? I don't understand why he is so reluctant to say it, and his reluctance makes me think maybe he just doesn't love me. -- STILL WAITING IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR STILL WAITING: Not all men are comfortable expressing their emotions verbally. Actions speak louder than words. Many men have told women they "love" them, only to have their behavior prove otherwise.

That your boyfriend has given you three different answers to your question indicates to me that you may have been pushing him to say it. I would caution you against that because it could push him away. Hearing the words "I love you" isn't something a person "deserves." It's important that the words be genuine.

DEAR ABBY: When I approach someone to hug, is there a correct side to go for? Does a relative or friend have a bearing on your choice, or does it matter if it's a man or woman or how well you know them? Is the left side as good as the right side? -- WHICH SIDE? IN OHIO

DEAR WHICH SIDE: Hugging anyone you don't know well is a mistake because some people have an aversion to intimate contact with strangers. That said, I don't think it matters a lot which side you "go for" -- although I have heard some people bear to the left because that way their hearts are closer together. Personally, I tend to feint to the left because I'm left-handed -- but that's just me.

DEAR ABBY: I am an adult heterosexual male who has discovered that I like wearing nail polish. I feel it should not be a matter of gender, but of taste and fashion.

I wore a reasonably bold color in public for the first time a week before last. It was a light, metallic blue that changes to green in the sunlight. I got a few raised eyebrows and a few compliments in my conservative, small town. I was told, however, to leave the color red to the ladies.

I know some companies are already marketing nail color for men, and I hope nail decor for both genders will one day become mainstream. I want to help that process along. What do you think, Abby? -- SHOWIN' MY TRUE COLORS IN TEXAS

DEAR SHOWIN': Although over the last few years I have seen males wear nail polish, it was usually a very dark color and the wearer was a rock star or a Goth. Frankly, I think that for an adult heterosexual male to wear light blue nail polish in public in the great state of Texas shows he is not only a trendsetter, but also has a lot of guts.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 38-year-old woman who divorced four years ago. I'm educated, attractive and have a successful career. My 18-year-old son lives with me and attends a junior college.

I am having a hard time finding romance because most of the men want to survive on my income, or are put off that I have a son at home.

I recently met a guy who seems to be head over heels in love with me. He has had little education and abused drugs and alcohol for a long time, but he has changed now. He has three children, but because he is unemployed, he's exempt from paying alimony, and he is fine with the idea. He'd like to have them on weekends, but the mother won't allow it.

Should I go ahead and date him? He doesn't seem to mind that I have a child, but my intuition tells me he may be another fortune hunter. How can I find a suitable partner without appearing desperate? -- LONELY LADY IN AMSTERDAM, NETHERLANDS

DEAR LONELY LADY: Listen to your intuition and end this relationship now unless you want to support this man in perpetuity. The longer you're involved, the harder it will be to end it, so don't procrastinate.

It's time to widen your circle of acquaintances. Meet colleagues in your field through conferences and seminars. Develop new interests and you will meet more people. Volunteer with charities that interest you and you will meet worthwhile members of both sexes who may introduce you to an unattached friend or relative.

Above all, don't succumb to desperation. You have much to offer and a lot of life ahead of you. Follow my suggestions and your chances of finding what you're looking for will improve.