life

Husband Holed Up in Man Cave Leaves His Wife Out in the Cold

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 11th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 13 years, and I'm beginning to wonder if my husband still wants to be with me. He gets home before I do and stays in his room watching TV and piddling around on the computer. He never comes out to say hello when I get home; I go in there and greet him. He comes out when I have dinner fixed and then returns to his room.

I understand the "man cave" thing. Everyone needs their time and space, but this has become an everyday routine. I have tried to tell him I feel ignored. The next night he'll come into the living room and watch TV with me, but I feel he's doing it only because he feels he should, not because he wants to.

Is this my clue that he doesn't care about sharing time with me anymore? I don't want to beg for his attention. -- LONELY IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR LONELY: It appears that way. You refer to the room in which your husband watches TV and uses his computer as "his" room and not a den. Does he also sleep in there? If that's the case, and the only time you spend together is at the dinner table, your marriage is in suspended animation.

If what he's watching on television or his computer has become a substitute for having a relationship with you -- and that's what it appears -- you need to find out what happened to the intimacy you once shared. What you have described is a platonic roommate relationship and not a healthy marriage.

If you want to change the dynamics, you are going to have to have some serious conversations with your husband about what your needs are, and also his. Start now.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Immigrant Parents Have Never Overcome Language Barrier

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 11th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My parents immigrated here from a foreign country 20 years ago. Although they speak some basic English, they have yet to become even remotely fluent in the language. As a result, they are always asking me to do everything for them -- pay their bills, file their taxes, go with them to doctors' appointments, translate for delivery people and take my mom on errands because she doesn't drive. I am irritated.

When will they learn English? I am the child, not the parent. I feel like I have been a mini-adult for many years as their personal chauffeur, secretary, interpreter, etc. I don't mind doing occasional favors for them, but enough is enough. What should I do? -- BEYOND FRUSTRATED IN CHICAGO

DEAR BEYOND FRUSTRATED: I think you should take into consideration that learning a new language is much easier for children than it is for adults. You were immersed in English when you went to school and were exposed to it not only in the classroom but also on the playground. Your parents weren't so lucky. They should have enrolled in an ESL class right away, but instead apparently interacted only with people who spoke their language.

However, it's never too late to make an effort, so encourage them to start now. A way to persuade them would be to ask them what they would do if, heaven forbid, something happened to you. Some people who have picked up English did so by watching English language television instead of what's aired in their own.

You are not alone in having this problem. The children of every ethnic group that has come to the United States has experienced what you are.

Family & Parenting
life

Mixed-Race Baby Would Be a Surprise but Not an Outcast

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 10th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am five months pregnant with my second child and engaged to a wonderful man, "Tony." We get along well with my ex-husband with whom I share custody of my first child. But problems may arise when the baby is born.

I had a night of sex with a friend who is of a different race. Tony knows about it and the possibility that the baby will be mixed. He feels strongly that he will help me raise the child as his own.

My family knows nothing about this, nor does my ex. How should I handle the possible backlash and confusion if this child is, indeed, the product of my one-night stand? -- SCARED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR SCARED: Say nothing prematurely. If your baby turns out to be mixed race, deal with it matter-of-factly. While there may be confusion, all you have to do is say that you and Tony plan to raise this child together in a loving family. If they wish to participate, they are welcome. If not, make it clear that you will do it without their help.

Your baby will not be alone. According to the Census Bureau, the population of mixed-race Americans grew 32 percent from 2000 to 2010.

Family & ParentingSex & GenderMarriage & Divorce
life

Girlfriend Helps Herself To Coffee-Can Savings

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 10th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend, "Donna," and I have been together for eight years. We have a great relationship, respect each other and never argue. She has a low-paying job, and I don't ask much of her in regard to rent or other bills, but she does buy a few groceries now and then.

I have always told Donna that if she ever needs money, all she has to do is ask me and I'll help with what I can. My dilemma is that she "borrowed" about $50 in change I had been saving in a coffee can and didn't tell me. When I asked her about it, she said she'd put it back. That was more than a month ago.

Am I being petty? I'd hate for this to become an issue between us. Should I say something again, or just wait to see what Donna does? -- SHORTCHANGED GUY

DEAR SHORTCHANGED: That Donna would take the money, not tell you, and not pay it back or start "feeding the kitty" is disappointing. Because it bothers you to the point of writing to me, tell her what's on your mind. If you don't, it will fester until there is an eruption. Better to air this now, before it grows out of proportion.

Love & DatingMoney
life

Taking A Peek Is The Best Way To Check Bathroom Stalls

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 10th, 2014 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Upon going into a public women's restroom where the doors of the stalls are closed, what is the polite way to check if someone is in a stall? Should I try to open the door or look under to see if there are feet? -- GOTTA GO IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR GOTTA: The time-honored, foolproof method is to check if there are feet. It's less disruptive than pushing on the door, which might startle an occupant.

Etiquette & Ethics
life

Men Who Use Dating Sites Offer Tips for Women Online

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 9th, 2014

DEAR ABBY: "Surfing in Petersburg, Ill." (June 17) raised good points about men who use online dating services. However, many of the things she pointed out could also be said of women who put their ads on the sites. The pickings are just as slim on our side of the fence. My hints to the "fairer sex":

(1) Don't overdo your makeup and hair in your photos. While some makeup can enhance a lady's look, we aren't seeking someone who looks ready to go trick-or-treating or perform as a clown in the circus.

(2) Decent men don't want to see all of your physical attributes on these sites. Dress appropriately for your age and don't allow the "girls" to burst out of your low neckline.

(3) Don't start your first conversation with, "What do you do and how much money do you make?" Intelligent men will realize that you are not as concerned with finding a quality guy as you are with looking for a fat wallet.

(4) You don't have to speak perfectly, but the teen lingo and texting abbreviations are a real turn-off.

(5) Don't constantly complain about your ex. It provides insight as to why he opted to break off your relationship or file for divorce. -- DAN IN OHIO

DEAR DAN: Thanks for the input. I had a hunch my male readers would react to "Surfing's" observations. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: To the ladies, I advise: Don't post a 10-year-old photo as being the way you currently look. And don't lie about your marital status or the number of times you've been married. These will come back to haunt you.

"A few extra pounds" does not mean 100 pounds overweight. If you are obese, admit it and say you are working on getting the weight off -- and make sure you are. -- EARLE IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: For women who post photos of their pets, it's great that you love them, but I'm only looking to date their owner. Same thing for travelogue photos with no one in them -- what's the point? And if you say you are active with an athletic body, I'd like to see it. Descriptions can be subjective, and your perception might be different from mine. -- DONE MY TIME ONLINE

DEAR ABBY: Selfies in the bathroom mirror are tacky. Have a friend take a picture of you. Avoid taking photos of specific body parts (lips, feet, etc.). It's low-class.

Describe yourself in detailed terms. Every woman says she's down-to-earth, decent-looking, caring and smart. A little originality goes a long way! -- LOOKING IN LANSING, MICH.

DEAR ABBY: A woman should never post her previous wedding picture when looking for a new life partner. Photos with the ex that you've ripped down the middle or cropped don't work any better. We can still see his arm around you holding the 40-ounce beer, and it's not a good image for us.

And ladies, if you're looking for someone to sweep you out of that crappy life you're in, forget it. Fix your life first to the point where you can enjoy it by yourself, and then look for someone to share it with. We guys like our fixer-uppers to be houses or cars, not our women. -- FOUND MY QUEEN ON A SITE

DEAR ABBY: I was taken aback by "Surfing's" advice against facial hair. My beard is part of who I am. Assuming it is "hiding something" signals you may have trust issues with men. If you don't like what you see, move on! -- HAPPILY HIRSUTE IN MISSISSIPPI

Love & Dating

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