DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law is 80 and in the early stages of Alzheimer's. She lives alone an hour and a half from us. She also has a professional who takes care of her once a week. My husband, "Fred," goes to help and entertain her every weekend, and I sometimes accompany him. She has enough money to stay in an assisted living facility, but Fred wants to build a mother-in-law apartment for her on our property.

Abby, I don't like her. She was a bully when she was younger, and she's still manipulative. She has made some comments about me hitting her, which never happened. Of course, Fred believed me. If she lives with us, I will be her main caregiver because I have a home-based business and a flexible schedule.

I have already said no to Fred's idea, but I don't want to be the bad guy. His two brothers live states away and don't want to be involved because of the way their mother treated them during their teens. Fred is the only son willing to overlook past issues and has made peace with her.

Could you help me to sort this out? -- THREE'S A CROWD IN MARYLAND

DEAR THREE'S A CROWD: I'll try. Caring for someone who has Alzheimer's disease is a full-time job because the disease is progressive. While Fred's mother can live alone with the help of a professional once a week now, that will soon not be the case. She will become increasingly helpless and so confused that should an emergency arise in her apartment she will be unable to think sequentially enough to know what to do. She may no longer recognize who you are and become agitated and combative.

For these reasons your mother-in-law should be in an assisted living facility staffed with caregivers who have been trained to take care of people with Alzheimer's. Because you have a business to run, it can't be you. Since Fred has made peace with his mother, he should visit her often to ensure she is well-treated. But he should not expect the responsibility of caring for her to be yours because it is unrealistic.

DEAR ABBY: My wife likes to leave money hidden in the house or car as her little ATM. The problem is, one or both of our teenagers discover her stashes and the money disappears. We have had a family meeting about it, yet it continues. I have argued for years with her that part of the problem is leaving money around, not cleverly hidden.

My wife blames one kid who she wants to kick out, but what if it's the other? Now she's blaming me for not solving the problem. Yes, it's terrible, but she has fed the impulsiveness and refuses to change her ways. She wants us to be on the "same page," but that usually means her page. Any ideas? Family counseling? -- DAD IN THE MIDDLE

DEAR DAD: Your wife may want to place the blame on you, but there is more than one problem happening in your household. The first is her insistence on leaving money where it's tempting a teen (or two) who steals. Second, you don't know who is taking the money and what it's being used for. Third is your wife's idea that a quick fix would be to throw a dependent child out.

It may take the services of a licensed marriage counselor to mediate an agreement between the two of you to work cooperatively together. If your wife needs money, the only ATM she should use is one that's connected with your bank rather than the cookie jar. Your teens should both be tested for drugs and evaluated for emotional problems. After that, family counseling might help you all communicate more successfully with one another.

DEAR ABBY: Five years ago, my husband got drunk and physically attacked me in front of his family. It was horrible. I was in shock, and our relationship never recovered.

The next four years were a series of court visits for custody of our child and eventually a divorce. Last year, his mother began requesting visits with our son. I was happy about it because I have tried to be accommodating to my ex and his family regarding our son.

Finally, late last year, I called my ex to ask if we could sit down and discuss our son (something we had never done). We have met twice during the last two weeks, and each time had long conversations about everything. (Our son, our past, our relationship.) Many misconceptions were cleared up, and it's obvious that we both have made many necessary changes within ourselves.

Now I'm confused about what comes next. Speaking with him has brought back so many feelings. Prior to the attack, our stress levels had been high and our communication was terrible, but there had been no physical violence. I'm not sure if this is the universe giving us an opportunity to give the family we started another chance. Should we start over? -- WAVERING IN NEW YORK

DEAR WAVERING: What comes next might be that you and your ex can become good friends and parent your son in a congenial, cooperative fashion. What comes next might be that you rekindle your romance. Or it might be that you get back together and he assaults you again.

If your ex has sought help for his drinking and anger management issues, a reconciliation could work out beautifully. However, if he hasn't, I certainly wouldn't recommend it. Sometimes people can care deeply about each other, but shouldn't be married.

DEAR ABBY: My 95-year-old mom feels that her age "entitles" her to speak without a filter, and she has become totally intolerant and critical. She is mentally sharp and highly intelligent, which makes her nasty comments even more hurtful to family and friends.

Standing up to her isn't an option because of her age and she knows it. She doesn't seem to recognize how damaging her attitude has become to those who love her. If you could print this and offer some advice, she might recognize herself. -- A LOVING SON

DEAR LOVING SON: The fact that someone has celebrated 95 birthdays does not give the person license to be deliberately unkind to others. Negativity is an unattractive trait, regardless of how old you are. People who deliberately say hurtful things invariably find the circle of those who want to be around them shrinking.

My advice to your mother would be, before opening her mouth, ask herself whether what she has to say is true, helpful and kind. And if it isn't all three, she should rephrase her comment or not say it at all.

DEAR ABBY: What does one say to casual acquaintances who stop by uninvited and with no prior phone call? -- NANCY IN AURORA, COLO.

DEAR NANCY: Let me tell you first what one doesn't say. It's "Come in!" It is perfectly acceptable to explain that the person caught you in the middle of your housework or a project you need to finish and, please, in the future to call before dropping by so you can make some plans together.

DEAR ABBY: I was engaged several years ago, but the engagement didn't last. We broke up and I gave him back his ring. We remain close friends, however, and hang out at least once a week.

I have been dating another guy for a couple of years, and we're thinking about getting engaged. I am wondering if it would be improper to ask my ex if we could buy my old ring from him. It was -- and still is -- my "dream ring," and I know my ex has kept it in the glove box of his car ever since I gave it back to him.

I don't want to commit a faux pas, but it seems silly to buy another identical ring. What do you think? -- HEADED DOWN THE AISLE

DEAR HEADED DOWN THE AISLE: If you haven't discussed this with your current boyfriend, you should. It might bother him to see you wearing an engagement ring that was given to you by someone else. If he says it's OK, I can't see why you shouldn't ask your former fiance if he'd be willing to part with it. Frankly, he might be glad to get the money.

DEAR ABBY: I have a love problem I could use your help with. I go to college, and I met an amazing girl, "Lorena," here. She's very religious, which I like about her. We have been talking, but I'm afraid to ask her out. I don't have the best morals, and I'm afraid I would corrupt her if we did go out. I don't want to make her into something she isn't.

Should I let her be who she is, or take the risk of dating her and hope she'll be happy? When I think about Lorena, I realize I'd do anything for her -- even change my life. Please tell me what to do. -- WILD MAN IN KENT, OHIO

DEAR WILD MAN: Feeling as you do about Lorena, I think you should take the risk and ask her out. Because you would do "anything" for her, make it your top priority not to push her into anything you know wouldn't be good for her. You wouldn't be the first "wild man" to meet someone who made him want to be a better man. I wish you luck.

DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my 50s. My sister, who is also in her 50s, lives with me and has for several years. Could you please settle a dispute we are having?

She says that mail is private and when I bring my mail in from the mailbox, I should leave hers in the box. I say it is just common courtesy to bring all of it in at once and place it in a predetermined spot for the recipient. I am not saying that mail is not private, because it is. And I would never dream of opening anyone's mail, but don't you have to look at the envelope to know which person it belongs to?

So what do you think? Should it be left in the box or should I bring it all in? -- STUMPED SISTER IN HOUSTON

DEAR SISTER: I think what you have been doing is both wise and prudent. Unless the mailbox has a lock on it, I would recommend bringing all the mail into the house as soon as possible after it's delivered to prevent theft. However, because your sister is sensitive about it and asked that you leave it in the box for her to retrieve, you should do as she has requested.