DEAR ABBY: When my son was 17, he met an "older girl" who was 21 and began an on-again, off-again relationship with her. Fast-forward two years: He now has a felony and several misdemeanors for fighting with her, and they have a wonderful little baby boy whom neither can take care of. I have been supporting the child.

The young woman is schizophrenic and bipolar and will not stay on her meds. I feel torn because I don't want to be raising children at 49, but my son refuses to take care of the baby because he "isn't ready to be a father."

I can't leave my grandson with a mother who can't take care of him (her other child was taken away from her), and she can't hold a job because she's in and out of the hospital all the time.

She won't feed him and treats him like a baby doll -- meaning she forgets about him and leaves. I'm afraid my son would abuse the child if he's forced to be a father. The alternative is putting the baby up for adoption, which would break my heart.

How can I make my son understand that this child is his responsibility and he needs to step up and be a dad? -- DESPERATE GRANDMA IN ILLINOIS

DEAR DESPERATE GRANDMA: Forgive me if this seems negative, but if you haven't been able to do it by now, your grandchild may become a man before your son does. If you aren't strong enough to assume responsibility for raising the little boy, then, as much as I hate to see another child go into "the system," he should be made available for adoption. However, if you think you could manage it, then talk to an attorney about getting formal custody of your grandson, so you will be given the authority you'll need to raise him without interference from either of his birth parents.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I have been together for four years now, and we have yet to set a wedding date because he has "unresolved issues" with my mother. Is there any way I can convince him to talk to her about them, or go to premarital counseling? I'm ready to set the date. -- UNSCHEDULED BRIDE IN GEORGIA

DEAR UNSCHEDULED: Four years is a long time for issues to go "unresolved." Are you sure this man still wants to marry you? If his behavior is any indication, this may be how he will deal with problems and disagreements after you are married -- and it isn't healthy.

Before you devote any more time to this "engagement," ask him when he plans to accompany you to premarital counseling, because if he's waiting for your mother to die, it could be a long time before you make it to the altar.

DEAR ABBY: Year after year, people are reminded to visit elderly people in nursing homes, taking cookies and entertainment -- like children's choirs, etc.

My mother used to work in a nursing home and she said it made her sad to watch the huge influx of people during December, only to see January roll around to -- nothing. Once Christmas is over, people go back to their lives, feeling good about their visit to the nursing home or shelter. But the residents are still there come February, June, September. Perhaps the directors, volunteers and families could spread their visits over the entire year instead of focusing only on December. -- JUST A THOUGHT IN LUSBY, MD.

DEAR JUST: Your mother is a caring and sensitive person. What she said is valid, and I hope it will be given serious consideration.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 14. Last summer I went to camp in a different state with my cousin "Mary." I told my friends at school about our adventures, and a couple of them said they want to go there with me next summer.

Mary and I don't get a lot of time together, and camp is one of the only times when I can see her. I don't want my friends to come. How can I tell them that without hurting their feelings? -- TORN IN TEXAS

DEAR TORN: Out-of-state summer camps can be expensive, and although your friends might want to come to yours, it remains to be seen if their families can afford to send them. However, if it turns out that they will be going next summer, you should let them know beforehand that you may not be seeing a lot of them after you arrive because it's the only time you get to spend with your cousin during the year. The chances of their being hurt will be less if you tell them in advance.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I enjoy entertaining and having family over to celebrate birthdays and holidays. Our son's birthday is approaching and I'd like to get your view of something my husband's older sister, "Jane," has been doing.

Jane is 55, divorced and has been dating her co-worker "Chuck" for a couple of years. At our celebrations, after everyone is done eating and cake has been served, Jane makes up a large plate of food (without asking) and invites her boyfriend over to eat.

Chuck shows up, stands at the kitchen counter and devours the food while complaining about it. Then he helps himself to more and leaves. He never says thank you, never participates in the celebration and, frankly, wasn't invited to begin with.

How should this be handled at the next event? If I confront my sister-in-law, does that make me as rude as she is? My husband doesn't want to rock the boat. However, it bothers him, and he, too, is put off by it. Any suggestions you have would be appreciated. -- AGHAST IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR AGHAST: What Jane has been doing is extremely presumptuous and to call her on it isn't rude. This should not be "handled at the next event"; it should be handled BEFORE the next event. Tell her you prefer any leftover food be saved for your own family, and that in the future, she should not invite Chuck unless she has first cleared it with you. If she can't abide by your wishes, you should not invite her.

DEAR ABBY: I grew up like most children of the '80s and '90s, on fast food and propped in front of the TV. I have worked hard to change this lifestyle. I want to raise my future children in a healthier fashion than I was. However, when I bring up the subject of future grandchildren with my mother, she can't stop talking about how she's going to spoil them with sugary treats because she's the grandma, and "that's what grandmas do."

She knows how I feel about this and knows it upsets me, but she keeps taunting me. I have gone so far as to tell her that if she can't respect me, I will limit her time with the kids. What would you suggest I do? -- HEALTH FIRST IN MAINE

DEAR HEALTH FIRST: I don't know when you plan to have children, but until you do, I suggest you drop the subject. Your mother may be saying this to get a rise out of you. If she's serious, it will be your job as a parent to enforce the rules you set. But right now, this discussion is premature.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a wonderful man for 17 years and we have two children. My life should be perfect, and it is -- until it's time to visit my in-laws.

We don't see them more than a few times a year, but I've taken to pleading work as an excuse not to see them on holidays or special occasions if I can avoid it. I have even spent Christmas at home alone because I can't stand how verbally abusive my in-laws are.

My mother-in-law admits to being mean and nasty. She says she doesn't care because she "hates people." They are now pressuring my husband to move nearer to them. The thought makes me sick.

My life could have been so different if these relatives were nice, normal people. I wanted us to be friends. I'm a kind person, but I have never been good enough for them.

I would never dream of saying some of the things they have said to me. They're upper middle class and I'm "trash." I never thought when I married my husband that his family would enjoy making me miserable.

The Easter holidays are coming and I don't know what to do. I'm afraid one day the buildup of anger will make me explode. How can I make their verbal abuse stop? I'm sick of being the brunt of jokes and sarcastic comments. -- "OUTLAW" IN ARIZONA

DEAR "OUTLAW": If your husband is "wonderful," why has he tolerated his parents' treating you this way for 17 years? He should have insisted from the beginning of your marriage that you be treated with respect. I can't believe the two of you would expose your children to this multiple times a year.

You can't "make" your in-laws stop their verbal abuse, but your husband might be able to if he locates his spine and puts his foot down. There should be no more talk of moving close to these toxic people, nor should there be any more visits to them until they either change their attitudes or learn to watch their mouths. If your husband feels he must go, then he should go alone, and you should stop making excuses for your absence.

DEAR ABBY: My husband is an alcoholic who attends AA meetings. Last night he forgot to sign out of his email and I saw he has been corresponding with a woman he met at the meetings. In her message she confided her problems finding a man. His reply was that she has been picking the wrong men, that he cares and that they need to talk face-to-face.

I wish I had never seen the email. Because of it, I can't eat or sleep, worrying about what might possibly be going on. I don't want to confront him because he has a nasty temper, yet I feel I must do something. But what? -- LOST IN NOWHERE, MONTANA

DEAR LOST: Instead of "confronting" your husband, simply ASK him if he has become this woman's AA sponsor. It might explain why she is confiding in him, and why he suggested they meet face-to-face to talk, which could be entirely innocent. Does he have a history of cheating on you?

If something is going on, it would be better for your emotional health to know what you are dealing with. And if your husband responds with verbal or physical abuse because of his "nasty temper," you should insist on marriage counseling or get out of there for your own safety.