DEAR ABBY: My best friend of 20 years, "Claire," has suffered bouts of depression ever since I have known her. She recently confided to me that her brother had repeatedly sexually abused her as a child.

When she went to her mother for help, her mother told her she needed to "thank God that it was happening because it would make her a stronger person." Her mother is dead now, but her father is still alive. I am furious at him for allowing the abuse to happen under his roof.

Abby, the family acts like it never happened! Claire invites her dad to events we plan together like birthdays. How do I attend knowing what I know? I don't want to sit across a table from him.

My husband is an abuse survivor and feels even more strongly than I do. It has made get-togethers miserable for us. Should we just smile and pretend we don't know because we can't fight my best friend's fight for her? How do we get over the anger? -- CONFUSED IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR CONFUSED: Years ago, someone explained to me that depression is anger turned inward. Your friend is enduring these bouts of depression because she was never allowed to express her anger where it belonged -- at her brother and her mother. Whether the mother ever told her husband what was going on, or whether it was the continuation of a long family tradition of sexual abuse, is something we don't know. But if you haven't suggested to Claire that she could benefit from counseling, you should.

As to you and your husband participating in these family gatherings, my advice is to stop doing it. Celebrate special occasions with your friend right before or after these occasions; many people have pre- or post-birthday get-togethers, and that's what I recommend in a case like this.

DEAR ABBY: I recently became involved with a longtime female friend of mine when she was in town. I have always loved "Miranda" as a friend, but now I also feel attracted to her as a potential perfect match.

The problem is she lives far away. We keep in touch almost daily. I love that, but it makes me miss her, and I end up thinking about her all day, which doesn't help. She says she has feelings for me, too, but "the timing isn't in our favor."

What can I do to go about my day without letting thoughts of Miranda rule my brain? I am 27 and haven't felt like this about anyone before. We'll see each other in a couple of months and the time couldn't be crawling by any slower.

Abby, are long-distance relationships even worth trying? -- ANXIOUS IN COLORADO

DEAR ANXIOUS: Of course they are. As the saying goes, "nothing ventured, nothing gained." Years ago, couples who were separated by distances courted via the mail. In fact, some of them wrote beautiful poetry and love letters that are classics. (Check out the letters of Victorian writers Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning.) Couples separated by war before the invention of the Internet also managed to nurture relationships that led to marriage.

So consider yourself lucky that you and Miranda can be in touch every day, even though at this point it's frustrating. As to the problem of her dominating your thoughts all day, a way to deal with it is to stay busy.

DEAR ABBY: My 38-year-old son is mentally ill and refuses medication, counseling or any type of help. I'm 63, and he physically and mentally abuses me. I had him committed, but he refused to cooperate, so they released him after two weeks. Life after that became worse.

I have no time to myself except when I sleep or take a nap. Family and friends are not allowed in the house because they make him uncomfortable. I can't even open the blinds to let the sun in because "people are watching him."

I know he needs help desperately, but I don't know where else to turn. My family tells me to have him committed and not let him back home. I feel guilty about sending him out of my home because I'm afraid of what he might do or what could happen to him.

I go for counseling once a month, and I have discussed this with my therapist, who says the same thing as my family: "Commit him and throw away the key!" I am so torn! I suffer from depression and this lifestyle does not help.

I'm planning to move to another state where I have family, and I don't know what to do with him. I feel like I'm trading one cell for another. Any suggestions would be appreciated. -- LOYAL READER IN NEW YORK

DEAR LOYAL READER: Listen to your therapist. If your son is institutionalized, he will be in a safe environment. The alternative could be that he would become one of the multitude of mentally ill individuals who are living on the street.

If your son is medicated, he might be able to live in a group home where he could be sheltered and taken care of. With medication he might be able to have more of a life than you have provided.

You may feel guilty, but you are not responsible for your son's mental illness. It is very important that you are successfully treated for your depression before making the decision to move. Your depression may have been caused because you have become the prisoner of your son's hallucinations.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 1/2 years, living together for two. He says Valentine's Day is a made-up holiday to get people to spend money. I told him every holiday is geared toward people spending money.

I find myself feeling angry and hurt that I'm not receiving anything for Valentine's Day. He never buys cards or flowers for me. How do I communicate to him that this is important to me without making things worse? -- CRAVING A LITTLE ROMANCE

DEAR CRAVING: Your boyfriend may be cheap, but he also has a point. According to a report on npr.org, the celebration of Valentine's Day started in ancient Rome and contains elements of both Christian and pre-Christian religions. In the third century A.D., two men named Valentine were executed by the emperor Claudius II in different years on Feb. 14, and a few hundred years later, a pope (Gelasius I) combined St. Valentine's Day with Lupercalia -- a fertility feast -- to replace the pagan ritual. (Research this online if you wish, because I found it fascinating.) The holiday didn't become romanticized until the Renaissance.

That said, allow me to point out that there are few things more unpleasant than feeling forced to give someone a gift. If you have already discussed this with your boyfriend and he's still resistant, then instead of focusing on what you're not getting out of this relationship, try focusing on what you are getting. It may help you to feel less deprived.

DEAR ABBY: I have an extremely bright 7-year-old daughter, "Amy," from a previous marriage. Her biological father, "Jake," and I separated when she was an infant. He lives across the country, so while we shared custody, Amy usually saw him only once a year. For a while I called him "Dad" when talking about him to her, but when it became apparent that he wasn't going to be involved in her life (and because I was going to be remarried), we switched to using his first name.

My current husband formally adopted Amy last year, and she couldn't have been happier. Now there's a baby sister, and Amy is overjoyed.

Recently, though, Amy has started asking me why Jake never visits and when she's going to see him again. I don't know what to tell her. I feel it would be crushing to her to say that Jake isn't interested in her anymore, but I also don't want to lie to her.

How do you tell a 7-year-old she should just forget her biological father because he's never going to be there for her? -- ANXIOUS IN HOUSTON

DEAR ANXIOUS: Your daughter needs to come to this realization in stages, and her questions should be answered in an age-appropriate way. Understand that Amy may always be interested in knowing about her biological father, and by the time she is in her teens, she will be computer savvy enough to search him out on the Internet.

For now, tell your daughter that the reason Jake doesn't visit is because he is "busy," and you don't know when he plans to visit. It's the truth.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I will celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary this year and I have a question. We'd love to invite a group of our friends to celebrate with us at our favorite restaurant, but we won't be able to pick up the tab. Is there a sensitive way to ask friends to celebrate with us, but get across the message that it'll have to be dutch treat? -- ON A BUDGET IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR ON A BUDGET: If these are close or longtime friends, I'm sure they won't be shocked that you'll be celebrating your 50th -- especially if some of them were at your wedding. I think the best way to approach this would be to be honest. Tell them that as much as you'd like to entertain everybody, you are unable to, but that you would love it if everyone could meet for dinner at your favorite restaurant and go dutch treat. And be sure to mention that although it's your anniversary, the only gift you would like would be their presence at this happy time.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I will celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary this year and I have a question. We'd love to invite a group of our friends to celebrate with us at our favorite restaurant, but we won't be able to pick up the tab. Is there a sensitive way to ask friends to celebrate with us, but get across the message that it'll have to be dutch treat? -- ON A BUDGET IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR ON A BUDGET: If these are close or longtime friends, I'm sure they won't be shocked that you'll be celebrating your 50th -- especially if some of them were at your wedding. I think the best way to approach this would be to be honest. Tell them that as much as you'd like to entertain everybody, you are unable to, but that you would love it if everyone could meet for dinner at your favorite restaurant and go dutch treat. And be sure to mention that although it's your anniversary, the only gift you would like would be their presence at this happy time.