DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing a guy, "Karl," for eight months now, and we have never had sex. After two or three months, I brought up the subject. He said he was stressed because he had just lost his job. He also said there is never any privacy at his place because he has roommates/tenants. I offered to go to my place, but he said that with my son there, it's the same issue.

Karl says he's very attracted to me, but doesn't want our "time" together to be ruined by his current money problems. I told him I understood and I have waited. I also explained that it makes me feel insecure and unwanted.

He now has a job, but we still haven't had sex. He has, in the interim, told me he loves me and wants to marry me. I constantly worry that there's someone else and wonder what's wrong with me. I love Karl, too, but I don't know what to do. Please help. -- LOVE, BUT NO SEX IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR LOVE, BUT: Is there any intimacy at all in your relationship with Karl? Is he affectionate? Is there any physical response when he holds and kisses you? If the answer is no, your boyfriend may have a physical or emotional problem, be asexual or gay.

Before agreeing to marry him, I recommend you schedule some time alone together by spending a few romantic weekends at a hotel or motel. It may give you a better idea of what your future would be like if you two decide to tie the knot.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 30-year-old gay man who works in an office with 20 women. In the five years I have worked here, many of my co-workers have either gotten married or had children.

Our office has a tradition of throwing showers for the lucky ladies, and I am always asked to contribute money toward food for the party or an extravagant gift.

While I'm happy to donate to a charity or help a friend in need, I wonder if a wedding or a baby shower would be given for me? Am I selfish for feeling hesitant to donate money or gifts when it's likely the favor will never be returned? -- MINORITY MALE IN TEXAS

DEAR MINORITY: I don't think you are selfish for feeling the way you do. In fact, it's understandable. However, in the case of a wedding or baby shower, people give gifts as a way of offering congratulations and good wishes. And I would hope that, even if same-sex marriage isn't recognized by the state of Texas, your co-workers would do something to honor you if you had a spiritual ceremony, which some religious denominations offer.

DEAR ABBY: I am turning 60 and naturally looking a little "worn." My man friend keeps telling me I need a facelift and to lose 10 pounds, so I'm starting to save my money. Something tells me he wants a "hot chick" and thinks he'll have one once I get these procedures done. It's expensive. What do you think? -- LOOSE-FACED LOUISIANAN

DEAR LOUISIANAN: It's not only expensive; as with any other major surgery, there is some risk involved. If you had said you wanted cosmetic surgery because you thought you needed it, I would say to go ahead. However, if it's only because your man friend is pushing you, then he should save his money and offer to foot the bill.

P.S. He must be an optimist because there is no guarantee that with 10 pounds off and a new face you wouldn't start looking for a younger man. Some women do.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a dad in my 30s and I have a problem. I have been battling anger issues since I was a kid. I have been finding myself getting more and more worked up with my kids. When they misbehave, I lose it and yell at them. It is the way I was raised; however, I feel even worse afterward.

I really want to break this habit. I don't want the only memories my children have of me to be images of my red face and bugged-out eyes hollering at them. Do you have any guidelines I can follow to get a better handle on my anger? -- LOUD DAD IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR LOUD DAD: Yes, I do. And I'm glad you asked me because it's important that you find other ways of relieving your frustration than taking it out on your children. It is not only counterproductive, it is extremely destructive.

When a bigger person yells at a smaller person, the message is often lost because the smaller person (in your case, your children) simply shuts down out of fear that physical violence might follow.

You should not ignore your feelings when your children act up. Rather, you need to find another manner for expressing your emotions. My booklet "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It" offers suggestions on redirecting angry feelings in a healthy way. It can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address, plus a check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds), to Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. Dealing with anger calmly and with reason is more effective than lashing out. Expressing your feelings is healthy when it's done with a few well-chosen words that make your point. As you have already learned, exploding in anger serves no constructive purpose and only makes you feel worse afterward.

Sometimes when people are angry or frustrated about other things, they can lose control of their temper. In situations like these, it is important to evaluate the source of what might really be irritating you before misdirecting your anger at someone who is blameless.

There are healthy ways of dealing with anger and frustration. Developing the control to express emotions verbally without being abusive or calling names is one of them. Another is to say a prayer ("Please Lord, don't let me lose my temper!") before opening your mouth. Leaving the room, going for a walk or short run can be helpful.

Unhealthy ways that should be avoided include getting into your car when you are angry, or using alcohol or drugs to calm you.

My booklet offers many other suggestions for dealing with anger and frustration, and I hope it will be helpful to you. However, if it isn't, then you should discuss your problem with a mental health professional. It's important to get a handle on your feelings so your children won't grow up thinking that verbal abuse is a normal way to handle their emotions.

DEAR ABBY: My family has been keeping a secret from my grandmother. I have a 17-month-old daughter that she doesn't know exists. I wanted to tell my grandma from the start about her great-granddaughter (her first), but I am afraid to. My family thinks that telling her will cause too much stress on her. No one in the family takes my feelings into consideration.

I think my grandmother should know she's a great-grandma. The problem is, I don't know how to tell her. She's 90 years old. I'm afraid if I say something now, it really might be too stressful for her. Also, I'm afraid that if I reveal this secret, it will start a family feud.

I want a relationship with my grandma like I used to have. I cry every time I talk to her on the phone because I have to lie to her about my day-to-day life and why I can't come to see her. I am really starting to resent my family. Please help. -- SECRET MOMMY IN NEVADA

DEAR SECRET MOMMY: Your grandmother wasn't born yesterday; she's 90. I'm sure that in her decades of living she has seen plenty of life.

While she will probably be shocked that she was kept in the dark this long, I agree she should know the truth. She should also know that you love her, which is why you are telling her the news. She may or may not want to see her great-grandchild, but the choice should be hers.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in my 70s, married for 50 years. I worked outside the home for many years and earned retirement benefits. There have been many ups and downs in my life, for me personally as well as for members of my family. Of course, there have been good times, too. I feel blessed.

All my life I have been the "go-to girl" for my family as a daughter, sister, wife, mother and aunt for help or advice. I love them, but I'm tired. How do I retire my "crown" -- which has been overwhelming at times -- without hurting or alienating anyone?

There seem to be so many problems and only one of me. Many times I have felt stretched too thin, but now my health and energy are no longer what they once were. I'm reasonably healthy, but I'm very tired.

I value my Judeo/Christian belief of "doing unto others." Am I being selfish? -- GO-TO GIRL IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR GO-TO GIRL: Your mind and body are trying to tell you something important. I hope you will pay attention before your health suffers because it could if you don't start drawing the line.

There is nothing selfish or wrong about saying: "I love you, but I can't help you. I can't because I'm at a point in my life where I can't handle stress like I used to." And if the person doesn't get it, you should repeat it.

DEAR ABBY: I have a dear friend who I have been friends with for years. However, there is one thing I can't stand about her. It's her vulgar language. Every sentence that comes out of her mouth includes the F-word. She's not a soft-spoken individual, so others can hear her. It embarrasses me and makes me not want to be around her in public.

How can I tell her she embarrasses me when she talks that way? -- SOFT-SPOKEN FRIEND

DEAR FRIEND: Tell her in exactly the way you told me. It is kind, helpful and the truth. And please don't feel bad about doing so because you'll be doing your friend a favor.