DEAR ABBY: I married "Larry" five years ago, and he is good to me. I have two beautiful grandchildren who are my daughter's. If I don't see them once a week I miss them. (They are 2 1/2 and 16 months old.) Larry doesn't miss the babies or want to see them once a week. Sometimes when they come to the house, he doesn't speak to them or play with them. He says he wants his peace and quiet at the house.

Larry's great with the babies in public. He is also good about playing with our friends' kids. But he doesn't want the grandchildren to spend the night here because he doesn't want his sleep disturbed. (He can get up at 4 a.m. to go fishing, though.)

He has two sons and doesn't mind if he hears from them only twice a year. He's the type of person who says what he thinks without caring if it's rude or hurtful. If you don't like him, he can live without being friends with you. No one comes to visit us at our home.

I miss my family, my daughter and the babies. Do I leave? -- UNHAPPY IN THE SUNSHINE STATE

DEAR UNHAPPY: If you are the one making all the concessions, make a list of Larry's good qualities, and then make one that includes how he refuses to compromise, makes you feel lonely and isolated, and says things without regard to whether they are hurtful to others. Place them side by side, and you will have your answer.

DEAR ABBY: After recently meeting my older brother's male roommate, a few things occurred that make me wonder if my brother is gay. Whether he is or not doesn't matter to me, and I don't feel it's my business to find out unless he chooses to share it with me.

Although I am a strong supporter of the gay and lesbian community, my concern is that because we were raised in an extremely conservative home, my brother may think I still hold those beliefs and may be reluctant to confide in me. I don't want to make a wrong assumption about his sexuality, nor do I want to force him out of the closet before he's ready. How can I let him know I support him, no matter what, without crossing the line? -- LIBERAL GIRL IN TEXAS

DEAR LIBERAL GIRL: There are ways to communicate your feelings to your brother without being direct. If you are still in school, consider joining a gay/straight alliance. If you see something in the news about a gay issue, call it to his attention and say something positive. Or, if you think that might make him uncomfortable, how about giving him a hug and telling him how lucky you feel to have him as a brother and that you will love him forever? (Come to think of it, a straight sibling might also appreciate hearing it.)

DEAR ABBY: Does being invited to an engagement party "guarantee" you will also be invited to the wedding? -- LOOKING AHEAD IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

DEAR LOOKING AHEAD: Yes, it does. And for that not to happen is a huge breach of etiquette on the part of whoever is hosting the wedding, whether it's the bride's parents or the couple themselves.

DEAR ABBY: A couple of years ago, my husband informed me that he likes to dress in women's clothing. Since then he has read books, is seeing a counselor, and the reality is, he is transgender. He now wears his hair long and has long fingernails.

I have tried to be understanding and have gone places with him when he is dressed as a woman. He has met other transgender people who have either made the full transition or are content without it. I allow my husband time with these new friends without me. I did feel weird that he was clothes shopping and going to movies with his new friends.

I have reconciled with these activities and I'm OK with them so far. But I have told him that if he decides to change his gender to female, I will not be able to be married to him. He's on hormones at the moment and has told me he plans to start testosterone blockers.

I love him, Abby, but not the woman side of him. Am I unreasonable to put a boundary on my marriage? He thinks if he slowly eases me into the idea that it will be OK. He says I am his "world" and I should love him no matter what gender he is. Am I being selfish? -- SOMEWHERE IN THE NORTHWEST

DEAR SOMEWHERE: You appear to be a loving and accepting wife. You may be your husband's world, but his world is changing -- and along with it, so is yours. It is not selfish to take care of yourself. You did not enter your marriage to be partnered with another woman, and you should not be made to feel guilty remaining with one if it's not what you want. Some spouses stay together; others just can't.

If you haven't heard of the Straight Spouse Network, it is a confidential support network of current or former heterosexual spouses or partners of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender mates. It was founded in 1991, and its mission is to help straight spouses or partners cope with coming-out issues, and help mixed-orientation couples and their children build bridges of understanding. To learn more about it and find a support group near you, visit www.straightspouse.org.

DEAR ABBY: I have always had an extremely close relationship with my little sister. Last year, I graduated from high school and left for university. It was hard for both of us. My college is an hour away from where my family lives, so even though I live on campus, I try to come home whenever I can to visit on weekends.

Lately it seems like my little sister has emotionally distanced herself from me. She doesn't confide in me anymore, shows little interest in my life, and it has gotten to the point where she barely acknowledges me in public. I have tried talking to her about it and telling her how much it hurts me, but she tells me I'm overreacting and to stop being stupid.

My mom says she does this with everyone and that this is typical for a 14-year-old teenager, but it breaks my heart to be so excluded from her life. Is this just a phase I have to learn to deal with and accept? What should I do? -- SAD BIG SISTER IN SWITZERLAND

DEAR BIG SISTER: Your sister is growing up, and part of that process means becoming an individual. Right now she is trying to figure out who she is, apart from the family she loves -- including you. I'm sure she isn't intentionally trying to hurt your feelings. Because you were so close, she may have felt abandoned when you left for college. Your mother is right about this. Let your sister evolve. She'll be back. Accept it for now.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law sent my 7-year-old son a gift and a card for his birthday. They arrived about a week early. A few days before his birthday, she called and asked if he had received them. He said he had, but before he could explain that he hadn't opened them, she started talking about the gift inside, revealing the surprise.

I have now "heard" she's upset with me and my son for this awkward moment. She says that from now on she would like a phone call when her cards or gifts arrive, so she can "hear his enjoyment over the phone even if they arrive early." I don't think my son did anything wrong.

When a gift arrives in advance of an occasion, must it be opened immediately? Or can it wait for the actual birthday or Christmas? Sometimes he likes to open one present at a time, write a thank-you note, then open the next, stretching out his gift-opening over a few days. Is this a social no-no? -- WONDERING IN WASHINGTON

DEAR WONDERING: Gifts are usually opened the day of the occasion. When the occasion is a birthday, the usual expectation is that the presents will be opened at the party. At that time a verbal thank-you is offered. A thank-you note should be written a very short time later.

Your mother-in-law may have called for reassurance that her gift had arrived. She should not have revealed what it was. You did nothing wrong. The mistake was hers.

DEAR ABBY: My good friend "Derek" is in his 30s and just started his first serious relationship. He told me after a week together that she was "the One" and that he loved her. I told him I was happy for him and suggested he take things slow so they could really get to know each other.

I had a party two nights ago where he introduced his new girlfriend. They spent most of the time making out like teenagers in front of everyone. Some guests were so uncomfortable they left early.

I haven't seen Derek since, and I'm worried not only that he's moving too fast to make up for lost time, but that he's doing it with someone who also is oblivious to how socially unacceptable their behavior was. I'm not sure how to express my concerns to my friend without hurting him. -- CONCERNED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CONCERNED: It would not be rude or hurtful for you to mention to Derek that you think the girl is "great" -- but the show they put on at your party made some of your other guests so uncomfortable they left early. Let's hope the "hint" is sufficient.