DEAR ABBY: I am in my late 20s and recently became engaged to my boyfriend of more than a year. He is in his early 30s. His parents live on the other side of the country, and we see them only twice a year. We plan on visiting them for the holidays, and some friends of theirs will be throwing us a bridal shower.

I was married before. I was 18 and it lasted three years. I was devastated when it ended. Am I obligated to tell them about my previous marriage? My fiance knows, of course.

This is not something I like to discuss. I was raised in a very religious household where divorce is looked down upon. My fiance's parents are not particularly religious, however. -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: While this may not be something you like to discuss, disclose it to your fiance's parents before the wedding. This trip would be a good time to do it, so you can answer any questions that might arise.

Tell them that it's not something you usually talk about, but you and their son didn't want them to think you are hiding anything. If the subject comes up in the future, tell them that it is in the past and you do not wish to discuss it further.

DEAR ABBY: As a teacher, I open my doors every year to at least one student who has low self-esteem. I spend the school year searching for ways to show that child he or she has value. I feel there is no more important lesson for me to teach.

These children's parents don't mean for this to happen. They want their children to be "perfect." The children, though, know they aren't perfect and feel that who they are isn't enough.

Parents, does this sound familiar? If so, then love your children as you did when they first learned to walk. Love them unconditionally when they fail and encourage them to try again. When they make a mistake, celebrate the strength it took to try. When they mess up, let them know you love them even when they aren't at their best.

Remember, feelings stay with children forever. When things get hard, allow your children to fail and to fix it themselves. Celebrate who your children are. Unconditional love is the greatest gift parents can give their children. -- KATHY IN ELK GROVE, CALIF.

DEAR KATHY: I'm glad you wrote. You have a wise head and a caring heart, which is an unbeatable combination in an educator. The lessons your students are learning in your classroom will influence their lives long after they are out of school.

DEAR ABBY: My partner and I were happy to be married two weeks ago, now that same-sex couples can marry here in California. During the 25 years that we have been together, we have introduced each other simply as "my partner." Is it now socially correct to introduce each other as "my husband"? It sounds right to us, but would it make straight people uncomfortable? -- RON IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR RON: Because gay marriage is new to many people, it may do that initially. But to call your spouse "husband" is correct, so go ahead and do it. As more gay and lesbian couples officially tie the knot, the less unusual it will be. Trust me on that.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 12 and weigh 204 pounds. I feel really fat and I want to go on a diet, but my mom won't let me. I'm getting bad grades in gym class and need your help. -- SAD GIRL IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR SAD GIRL: By recognizing that you have a problem that you can't deal with on your own, you have already taken an important first step in resolving it. The next is to talk to your gym teacher about this and enlist her aid in convincing your mother to give you the help you need.

Childhood obesity is rampant in this country, and all those extra pounds could negatively affect your health -- not only now, but in the future. If you have a pediatrician, the doctor may be able to discuss the importance of a healthy diet and exercise program for you with your mom. You will need the help of other adults to make her understand if she can't see that you need help now.

DEAR ABBY: I am 18 and dating someone of a different race. We have been together for more than a year. The problem is my father is very racist. Every time I sneak out to go see my boyfriend, my father wants to know who I am with. I tell him it's "my friends," but he knows I'm lying.

I want to tell him who I'm dating, but I know he's going to be judgmental and rude if I introduce him to my boyfriend. Any advice on what to do? -- NERVOUS IN THE NORTHEAST

DEAR NERVOUS: At 18 you are too old to be sneaking around. Your father knows something is up, and he probably suspects the reason you're not being truthful or open, so stop lying. If he wants to know why you haven't brought the young man around, tell him it's because you know how he would react. And if you decide to make introductions, be sure your boyfriend knows in advance what the reaction will probably be -- if he agrees to meet your dad, that is. But I wouldn't blame him if he didn't.

DEAR ABBY: I ran into an old high school friend a while ago. "Jan" and I are both single moms. We want what's best for our kids. She has no family living here, and she doesn't have many friends. Jan has low self-esteem, high anxiety and, I believe, she mismanages her finances. Her house is extremely unkempt.

She calls me in tears often, asking for advice and help. I have tried to help her, but it is becoming overwhelming.

I asked my boss for two days off over the holidays. Jan called me shortly after and asked me if I can take care of her son on any days I have off over the holidays so he won't have to go to his day care facility. I feel bad and want to help, but I took the time off to spend much-needed time with my family. I don't want to have to bring her son to my family festivities. Is this wrong of me?

Needless to say, this relationship has added a lot of stress to my life. I tried breaking off the relationship over the summer, and I'm not even sure why it still continues. I feel mean and rude, but I don't want to be -- and can't be -- this girl's only means of support. -- TRAPPED IN BUFFALO

DEAR TRAPPED: It is neither mean nor rude to draw the line when someone's neediness is more than you can cope with. It is OK to say no, and you needn't feel guilty about it. It is also OK to advise someone that low-cost counseling is available in most communities if the person appears unstable or unable to cope with life. When you do, tell her that her needs are more than you are able to handle. If you do, you may not need to end the friendship -- she may do it for you, but you'll be doing her a favor.

DEAR ABBY: My parents and sister live three hours away, so my family stays with me when they come to town. Over the last few years, I noticed things began to disappear from my home. They are usually small and portable -- earrings, in particular.

The idea of someone stealing from me was very upsetting. When I mentioned it to my sister, she suggested that it could be our housekeeper.

After my wedding band vanished, I had a security camera installed. A few months later, two more pairs of earrings went MIA, so I had the surveillance company review the tapes. It turns out the thief is my sister!

The idea that she has gone through my things and helped herself with no remorse after I opened my home to her disgusts me. When I confronted her, she denied it. She later told my mother that she did take the earrings, but didn't know why I wanted them "because they were so ugly."

Christmas is coming and I can no longer welcome her to my home. Why would she do this to me? -- TRUSTED MY SISTER IN RALEIGH, N.C.

DEAR TRUSTED: Not knowing your sister, I can't say for certain why she would steal from you. She may have kleptomania and be unable to control her impulses. Or, she may resent you for what she perceives you have that she doesn't (a happy life, lovely home, etc.) and has been taking the items to "even things up."

While I don't blame you for being upset, please understand that whatever her reason, she's a troubled woman who needs help. Unless you lock up anything of value, she should not be in your home.

DEAR ABBY: We are part of a group of couples who meet monthly at one another's homes to play cards. We usually play in the evening from 7 to 11 with the hosting couple providing light refreshments and dessert. Many years ago, one couple designated December as "their" month to celebrate New Year's Eve. We start earlier with a meal and end after midnight.

The issue is that it has lost its appeal. Many of us would prefer not to be out on that particular night. How do we, as a group, let them know we no longer want to have game night on New Year's Eve without hurting their feelings? They tend to be a sensitive couple. -- PARTIED OUT IN OREGON

DEAR PARTIED OUT: Unless one of you is willing to be the messenger and speak for the rest of you, you should tell this couple as a group -- well before the end of the year -- that you would prefer not to be out on a night when many of the drivers on the road have been drinking. It's a valid reason.

While the New Year's Eve card game may have become a tradition, times change, and as people mature they tend to make more mature decisions. The one you're making ranks high among them.

P.S. There should be no hurt feelings if you suggest that the card game take place at some other time.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 58-year-old male. My wife divorced me last year after 33 years of marriage. Must I wait the recommended seven years before dating? I heard I must wait one year for every five I was married. -- READY OR NOT IN MICHIGAN

DEAR READY OR NOT: I wonder where you heard that! The answer is no. At 58, you had better start soon. You're not getting any younger.