DEAR ABBY: My husband and I want to start a family, but until now our circumstances have not made this possible. After a big move and starting a new business, we have decided it's about time.

My problem is my husband uses drugs to relieve stress. I don't feel he abuses them; it just takes the edge off after a hard day's work like a glass of wine does for me sometimes.

I would like him to stop taking the drugs while we are trying to conceive in case it could affect the baby. He is unwilling and it makes me crazy. I have decided that if he can't do this, he isn't ready to be a father. On the other hand, he's a hard worker, and I wonder if by asking him to do this I am being selfish. Please give me some advice. -- READY FOR MOTHERHOOD IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR READY FOR MOTHERHOOD: You are not being selfish, you are being prudent. According to Dr. June Reinisch, director emerita of the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction: "There is some evidence that suggests certain drugs can attach to the sperm and therefore affect the fetus. So the best plan for a healthy baby would be for the man to be as 'clean' as possible before he starts to make a child. This is because sperm are produced about three months before they are released."

DEAR ABBY: One of my husband's relatives is filing for bankruptcy for the third time. His wife recently started to receive disability. I believe they are abusing the system.

I know she was not truthful on her disability application. I work in the health care field and in the past have completed evaluations for disability claims. I know the only way she would meet the requirements would be if she misrepresented her current abilities.

Everyone else in the family works hard to support themselves, so I can't understand how this attitude is tolerated. What has pushed me over the edge is they have announced they're going to have a "bankruptcy party." They have invited everyone over to enjoy food and beverages that will be purchased with a credit card they have no intention of paying.

I feel an obligation to alert the disability office to her misrepresentation. My husband agrees that what they're doing is wrong, but he doesn't want me to do anything about it. This has caused a problem between us because I no longer want to go to family dinners. I know if I keep going and have to listen to them laugh about using taxpayer dollars to support their laziness, I will eventually explode. What do you think about this? -- SOMEWHERE IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR SOMEWHERE: I think your relatives are committing fraud and that it should be reported. Disability payments were meant for individuals who truly need them, not those who are gaming the system. And if you choose not to associate with these kinds of morally bankrupt individuals, you shouldn't have to. I can see how it would ruin your appetite. Shenanigans like this should be investigated and the abusers prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

DEAR ABBY: Well, here is a new one on me. I was walking through a Macy's looking for my wife, and right there in front of me was a 40-something woman in her bra trying on a blouse! Please tell me -- is this the new normal? -- GREG IN GAINESVILLE, FLA.

DEAR GREG: It's unusual, but not unheard of -- particularly if all of the dressing rooms are in use. In order to prevent this from happening again, avert your eyes when you're in the women's department.

DEAR ABBY: I am attracted to a man who is 27 years my junior. He is also attracted to me because he initiated our meeting. We have gone out a few times, and he says he doesn't care about our age difference. He has also mentioned us living together and said he would gladly pay half the expenses even though I make more than he does.

Is this appropriate in today's society? I don't look much older than he does. But I'm from a generation in which this kind of thing would be looked down upon. Still, I realize that the world has changed, and I feel a strong attraction to him. I would appreciate any advice you can give me. -- HIS OLDER WOMAN IN MARYLAND

DEAR OLDER WOMAN: In many ways the world has changed. However, I assume that you socialize with couples and individuals in your age group, and this may cost you some of those relationships because your friends may be uncomfortable with the age difference.

I have printed letters from couples involved in successful May-December relationships in which the age made little difference. But I would suggest that you let this relationship develop a little further before deciding whether to move in together, and age has nothing to do with it.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend for nine months, and I found out that about three months ago he got nude photos from another girl. I don't do that. I am hurt and torn on what to do. Please help. -- BETRAYED IN OHIO

DEAR BETRAYED: If there are no other red flags, don't waste your time being jealous. Take a lesson from this: The other girl gave him nude pictures of herself, but he's still with you. If he should ask you to give him similar photos of yourself, don't do it, because you will gain nothing and could lose a lot of privacy.

DEAR ABBY: At sporting events when everyone is asked to remove their hats for the national anthem, does this include females? We attend NFL football games and our grandson's soccer games, and it annoys me when I see women leave their hats on. Doesn't "everyone" also include them? Shouldn't they do this to show their respect for our flag and country? -- STICKLER IN FLORIDA

DEAR STICKLER: Whether a woman's hat should be removed depends on where it is being worn. In a theater or at a wedding, the hat should be removed as a courtesy if it blocks someone's view. At a sporting event, a casual hat should be taken off when the anthem is playing. However, at more formal events, if the hat is part of the woman's ensemble, it usually stays in place.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law tends to embrace every pitiful creature she comes into contact with. This Thanksgiving she has invited my ex-boyfriend and his wife to her home to share in the festivities. My ex was abusive to me most of the time, and we did not end on good terms. The woman he cheated on me with is now his wife.

My ex was sneaky and manipulative, and I believe his only reason for wanting to be there is to check up on me and my husband. I have explained this to my husband and his mother, and told them I don't feel comfortable with the situation. They both told me I am "overreacting" and that he was a part of my past and I have since moved on.

I feel the family I love has betrayed me. The idea of my ex being involved in what should be a comfortable family day has me afraid and uneasy. Am I overreacting? Or is my husband's mother being unreasonable? -- DREADING THANKSGIVING

DEAR DREADING THANKSGIVING: I do not think you are overreacting. It was insensitive of your mother-in-law to invite your abusive ex and his wife to the gathering without first checking with you. While you may have moved on, I can see why this would not be something you would look forward to. Frankly, it's surprising that your mother-in-law would even know your ex -- let alone invite him to her home.

DEAR ABBY: I have been living on my own for three years. I recently moved back to my hometown and share a great apartment with my best friend from childhood.

My mother has had a serious alcohol problem for as long as I can remember. She will be moving back to the area next month for a new job. Dad couldn't get a job transfer, so he'll have to stay at their current house, which is five hours away.

I love Mom, but I'm very worried because I will be her closest family member location-wise. Her drinking has grown progressively worse over the last few years and has been the cause of three major surgeries. If something happens while she's living on her own, I don't know what I'll do.

Talking to my family is useless. It gets brushed aside because they don't want to deal with the pain after all these years. Do you have any suggestions to make this transition easier? -- HEAVY-HEARTED DAUGHTER IN VIRGINIA

DEAR HEAVY-HEARTED: For the sake of your sanity, you must not assume responsibility for your mother's drinking problem. Before she arrives, it would be helpful for you to attend some Al-Anon meetings or visit a chapter of Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization. They can help you to maintain your emotional equilibrium as well as share experiences that will help you to cope with her without being overwhelmed.

Al-Anon should be listed in your phone directory because it is everywhere, or you can visit www.Al-AnonFamilyGroups.org. The website for Adult Children of Alcoholics is www.adultchildren.org.