DEAR ABBY: I have a 10-year-old son. "Zack's" a great kid, creative, funny and athletic. He has decided to grow his hair long. My husband and I figure it's not illegal or immoral, so why fight it?

My family does not share our opinion. My mom and sister are cruel in their opposition to Zack growing his hair. They tell him he looks like a girl and call him names. There have been bribes, bullying and instances of utter insanity on their part, trying to make him cut it.

My sister's son has been physically and verbally cruel to Zack, and she thinks it's funny. She's repeating a pattern from when we were children of being the "toughest" -- if you can't handle the abuse, you're a "baby."

I need to know how to stand up to these family members for my son. It's a struggle for me to speak to them face-to-face, and they have called me a coward for sending email messages. My mother lives alone and sometimes has suicidal thoughts. Zack is stressed because he loves his grandma, but can't deal with her harassment. Can you help? -- GUILT-RIDDEN AND STRESSED IN ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR GUILT-RIDDEN AND STRESSED: I'll try. Somehow, for your son's sake, you must find the courage to tell your mother and your sister to their faces that if they don't knock it off immediately, they'll be seeing a lot less of you and Zack.

The dynamics in your family are unhealthy -- but you are an adult now and no longer have to tolerate it. Because Zack is athletic, enroll him in self-defense classes and make sure he knows he does not have to tolerate physical abuse from anyone and that includes his cousin.

As to "Grandma," your son's emotional health must take precedence over hers. I seriously doubt she'll kill herself if she doesn't have your son to make miserable, so don't feel guilty about it.

DEAR ABBY: I was on a bus yesterday and a woman seated near me complained about how long the trip was taking for so long and so loudly that I ended up "catching" her negative energy. Because I couldn't find a nice way to shut her up, I finally put on earphones and turned on my music.

When there is a toxic person in a public place, what is the best way to get them to stop spewing their hateful sewage onto everyone else? -- ALLISON IN BROOKLYN

DEAR ALLISON: The most obvious way would be to put physical distance between you and the person, if that's possible. If it isn't, then the way you handled it was appropriate. In the interest of safety, I would not recommend confronting a possibly emotionally disturbed individual.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are retired and financially secure. Our three adult children shower us with costly gifts on Christmas, birthdays, and Mother's Day and Father's Day. Most of them end up on our closet shelves.

How can we tell them that what we would really prefer is just a kind, handwritten (not store-bought) note with possibly a recent picture of them or our grandchildren enclosed? -- DAD WHO HAS IT ALL

DEAR DAD: Why not say it the same way you expressed it to me? You are financially secure. Your closets are filled. You don't have room for any more "things," and this is the kind of gift you would prefer. If they disregard your wishes and give you more gifts you can't use, you can always donate them to a needy family.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are about to welcome our first child and we are overjoyed. However, as her due date nears and we start talking about the birth, hospital, etc., I'm getting nervous and anxious. I'm worried, I guess, that something will happen to my wife and I won't be able to cope with everything.

I had a rough childhood. Expressing emotions sometimes is pretty hard for me, so my wife doesn't know about this. Any advice on how to express my fears without sounding like I'm scared of losing her and the baby and expecting the worst? Is this a common thing for first-time dads? -- OVERLY EMOTIONAL IN TEXAS

DEAR OVERLY EMOTIONAL: Of course it is. You're not experiencing anything different than what other expectant fathers feel. But please understand that the incidence of maternal and infant mortality in the U.S. is very low.

Because your wife may have concerns or anxieties of her own, it would be better not to discuss your fears right now. If you have male friends or relatives who are parents, they might be willing to listen and offer support. Your family doctor could also listen and, if necessary, refer you to someone who can help you cope with your anxiety. But please understand that all of the feelings you're experiencing right now are very normal.

DEAR ABBY: My granddaughter asked me a tough question today. She lives primarily with her mother and stepfather. Her biological father sees her two nights a week and every other weekend. When he asks her if she misses him, she says she has to lie and say she does. She hates lying and asked me how she can tell him she doesn't miss him very much without hurting his feelings. Can you give me some ideas? -- STUCK FOR A RESPONSE IN NEVADA

DEAR STUCK: Your granddaughter should say, "Dad, please don't worry about me because I'm fine. I am adjusting." Period. It's the truth, it's not unkind and she won't have to feel like she's saying anything that should upset him.

DEAR ABBY: An ex-friend of mine recently apologized for some bad behavior toward me, saying she had been going through a rough time. She wants to renew our friendship and said she misses it. I was taken aback and didn't know what to say. I replied, "I'll get back to you about this," because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

Abby, I have no desire to renew a friendship with her because I have had it with her volatile personality and her needy and clingy nature.

How do I eventually respond? I was thinking of saying I have a full plate of responsibilities and commitments right now and can't make plans. I value your opinion, so what do you think? -- NEEDS THE RIGHT WORDS IN MICHIGAN

DEAR NEEDS THE RIGHT WORDS: You are under no obligation to resume a relationship with a troubled woman you're glad to be away from. Unless she has given you a deadline or manages to put you in a corner, you don't have to say anything more about it. However, if she does trap you into making some kind of statement, the one you related to me would be appropriate.

DEAR ABBY: I am a divorcee in my 40s who is in a committed relationship with a man who is also divorced. Neither of our marriages were happy ones. We stayed in them for all the wrong reasons. We have been together for three years, live together, love each other unconditionally and have talked extensively about getting married.

My question is, am I wrong to expect a traditional proposal with an engagement ring? It is important to me that he would think enough of me to plan one. I feel if he did it for his first wife, he should do the same -- or more -- for me. Would it be in bad taste to mention this? -- ASKING TOO MUCH? IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR ASKING TOO MUCH?: Unless one of your companion's attributes is clairvoyance, express your feelings. He may not be aware that you would feel somehow cheated if he doesn't come forth with a gesture that is "equal or better" than what his ex received. Consider carefully what resulted from that first fancy proposal.

An essential ingredient in a successful relationship is the ability to express one's wants and needs to the other partner. I would only suggest that when you do, your thoughts are couched as a request and not a demand.

DEAR ABBY: Enlighten me, please. A friend told me her daughter is expecting. She has not said one word about a boyfriend or marriage. How do I diplomatically ask, "Who is the father?"

People in my generation already knew the answer. Marriage came first. Is this now "none of my business"? The grandma-to-be has offered no clue. Can you help me out? -- OUT OF THE LOOP OUT WEST

DEAR OUT OF THE LOOP: If Grandma-to-be is keeping mum, you can bet there's a reason. If the father was Prince Harry, she would be trumpeting it from the rooftops. Your friend may not know who the father is or have some other reason for not disclosing it. Unless you want to tiptoe through a minefield, my advice is don't go there.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 13-year-old girl who suffers from what I'm afraid is obsessive-compulsive disorder. I have known for four years, but I never told my parents. I finally opened up to them a few days ago, and I thought they wanted to help. But later I heard them mock my condition and laugh about it.

Abby, I thought my parents wanted to help me, but it's becoming clear that they don't. They have offered me therapy, but I'm scared they will mock me for that, too. Now I'm afraid to go. Should I? -- O.C.D. DAUGHTER

DEAR DAUGHTER: When people don't understand something, unfortunately they sometimes laugh at it. However, are you absolutely certain that what your parents were laughing about concerned you and not something else? I find it hard to believe that loving parents would laugh at their child's discomfort.

You should by all means take them up on their offer of talking to a therapist. It is the surest way to find a solution for your problem. And when you do, tell the therapist you think you heard your parents laugh about your problem, because if it's true and they are not aware of how serious the problem may be, the therapist can explain it to them.