DEAR ABBY: I recently declined a wedding invitation because my spouse and I will be out of town on the date of the wedding. A few days after I sent the RSVP, I got an email from the groom saying he had "suspicions" that I wasn't attending because I was bitter about not being in the wedding party.

I was shocked by the email. Not only do I not care about who is in the wedding party, I don't think we're such close friends that we should have been invited in the first place. I think it's appalling that he would accuse someone who declined an invitation of having ulterior motives for not going.

I emailed him back, explaining that we will be out of town and how upset and disappointed I am that he would think something like that. Wasn't what he did a breach of etiquette? -- APPALLED IN NEW YORK

DEAR APPALLED: Yes, it was. Your inability to attend the wedding appears to have brought to the surface the groom's insecurity about his social relationships. I don't blame you for being appalled. The man's behavior was inappropriate.

DEAR ABBY: My sister is 63, divorced, educated, intelligent, self-employed and receives monthly support from her ex-husband. The problem is she takes no responsibility for her health. She's extremely overweight because she overeats and doesn't exercise. She complains every day that she feels "terrible." (I call it self-pitying whining.)

Our other siblings think it is too late to confront her about it. I want to address the issue now, before she gains even more, or has a stroke or heart attack and, quite frankly, won't be able to care for herself. I don't want to see the responsibility fall on her three kids or us siblings. It's not fair. She's just too lazy to make necessary changes and constantly whines! Your thoughts? -- SIBLING STANDING BY

DEAR SIBLING: The problem with "confronting" someone is that it usually makes the person being confronted defensive. In a case like this I don't recommend it. However, a family intervention might work. If the family members were to get together and, as a group, talk to your sister about your concern for her health, it might be the wake-up call she needs.

No mention of "whining" should be made, but suggest that she might have a touch of depression that could be helped if she brings it to the attention of her doctor. Tell her you all love her, that you're worried about her, and are willing to help her schedule an appointment with her physician if she's willing. I think that would be a loving thing to do.

DEAR ABBY: When my wife and I go to a busy restaurant or a concert where we can pick up last-minute tickets, I often ask her to hop out of the car to find out if the wait times are reasonable or tickets are available while I wait in the car. I do this so I won't have to find a parking space until we're sure we will be staying.

My wife says my doing this is tacky. I believe it is efficient. What are your thoughts, recognizing that I usually come up with the short straw on matters of manners? Thanks! -- JOHN K. IN WINDSOR, CONN.

DEAR JOHN K.: Your request makes perfect sense to me. Parking spaces are sometimes hard to find and valet parking isn't cheap. However, because your wife resents doing this, either she should be the one to drive so you can "hop out," or tickets and reservations should be made in advance either online or on the phone.

DEAR ABBY: My husband lost his job more than a year ago because his plant closed. He was almost retirement age, so he took an early retirement. The problem is he isn't adjusting well to the change.

He has his hobbies, but he seems to have lost interest in them. He is angry a lot of the time and lost at other times. I understand it's a huge adjustment for him, but I'm concerned that it has been going on too long. I have tried to get him interested in things, but he doesn't take my suggestions well anymore. He thinks I want him out of my hair, but it's not true. I want him to be happy.

I know he's depressed but he denies it. When other people ask how he likes retirement, he says he loves it. I think he feels silly for not enjoying it. He doesn't want to spend money for counseling, even though he knows he can get the fee adjusted according to our income.

I'm at a loss about what to do to help him. He reads your column regularly, and I think he would take seriously any advice you could offer. -- CONCERNED WIFE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR CONCERNED WIFE: Retirement is not for everyone, and not everybody "loves it." That's why it's so important that before a person retires, he or she have a plan in place for staying mentally and physically active.

Your husband may have valuable skills he could pass on by mentoring others. He could volunteer in the community, delivering meals to shut-ins, coaching youngsters' sports, help out at the police department or a hospital. All he needs to do is go to his computer and type in "volunteer opportunities in Michigan" to find plenty of opportunities. He can donate as little or as much time as he wants. But first, he will have to admit that he isn't loving retirement and needs an outlet. Please make sure he sees this column.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 12, and for the last five months my family hasn't been getting along. We act like we love each other, but I'm not so sure. My mom and dad have been fighting. I saw something Mom left on our computer she had been looking at, and the title was "How to Let Go of Emotions During the Divorce Process." I don't know if my parents are getting a divorce or not, but it's slowly tearing my family apart, and I don't know what to do. What can I do to prevent it? -- CONFUSED PRE-TEEN

DEAR CONFUSED: Tell your mother you saw the article she left on the computer, and ask her if she and your dad are separating. If the answer is yes, tell her you hope they're getting counseling.

It is important you understand that while they both love you, they have reached a point where their relationship may no longer be working. Much as you might like to, there is nothing you can "do" to head this off because their problem has only to do with them and not you.

DEAR ABBY: I was just wondering why when men drink and get drunk, they always talk about themselves. -- HEATHER IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR HEATHER: They may do it because the alcohol allows them to loosen up and open up. Or, because they think the subject is fascinating, and you are a willing listener.

DEAR ABBY: My children's nanny, "Daisy," has been with us for more than two years. She's not the best, but I know I could do a lot worse. The most important thing is my children adore her and she is used to our routine. By and large, I'm happy to have her. However, I have two pet peeves I don't know how to address.

Daisy is always late. Not by much, mind you -- but it is consistent. She's at least five minutes late every single day. Maybe it shouldn't bother me so much, but it does. I never dock her pay for tardiness, and I always pay her on time.

To me, it's a reflection of how important she views her job. I feel it is disrespectful. The kicker is, Daisy is studying to be a nurse. I have told her unless she breaks this bad habit, she'll be fired from a future nursing job.

The second thing is, on hot, humid days, Daisy has the worst body odor imaginable. When the weather is cool, she doesn't smell, but once sticky weather arrives, the wall of stench is enough to make my nose hairs curl. One day it made me physically ill and I had to excuse her for the day without explaining why.

How should I address these problems? Or am I making too big a deal out of this? -- HAVING ISSUES IN VIRGINIA

DEAR HAVING ISSUES: Daisy may not be the best employee, but a good employer makes clear what the ground rules are when someone is hired. Because you're a stickler for punctuality, remind Daisy about what her hours are and stress that you expect her to be on time or risk having her pay docked. (If she uses public transportation, there should be some flexibility, but because she's late every day she should be told she needs to leave home a few minutes earlier.)

As to her personal hygiene issue, address it directly. Tell her you expect her to have showered, used deodorant and put on fresh clothes before coming to work -- especially in the summer.

Helpful hint: When you hire someone, have a list of written rules prepared for the individual to read and sign so there will be no misunderstandings. Doing that is being an effective boss.

DEAR ABBY: I am going to a concert by a popular band. My brother and my cousin always make fun of this band. People commenting online also post mean things about them. I know they have a right to their own opinions, but I don't get the same reactions when I talk about or listen to other popular music.

Did people do this 10 or 20 years ago? Do they think it's cool to express hatred about mainstream musicians? Maybe the more popular something is, the more people there are having negative feelings toward it. -- FREE TO LISTEN AT 13

DEAR FREE TO LISTEN: There is always a degree of backlash against hugely popular entertainers because some people think it's more "cool" to be a fan of a new, upcoming band. Years ago, some people loved the Beatles and hated the Rolling Stones, and vice versa. The behavior you describe has been going on ever since the music business began.