life

Wife of Alcoholic Should Not Be Buying Him Booze

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 23rd, 2013 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: It happened again today! I was buying several bottles of wine and a six-pack of beer along with my other groceries. While I was standing in the checkout line, someone behind me said the predictable, "I wish I was going home with you!"

I'm married to an alcoholic, and it makes me so sad that people think a lot of alcohol is "fun." It's a tragedy for our family to see a great husband, father and grandfather slip into a stupor each day. It wasn't always this way. Sadly, he has changed so much he is hardly recognizable.

I'm asking those out and about to think before you comment, because alcohol is not something to celebrate. -- WIFE OF AN ALCOHOLIC DOWN SOUTH

DEAR WIFE: Why are you buying large quantities of liquor for your alcoholic husband? When you do, you enable him to feed his addiction. If I ever heard of someone who should attend Al-Anon meetings, it is you. Al-Anon was started by the wife of an alcoholic who was just like your husband. When you go, you will meet other wives whose husbands' drinking is also out of control.

If you would prefer a secular organization, an alternative program to contact would be SMART Recovery. Its Family and Friends program was created for loved ones who are affected by someone's addiction. If there isn't a meeting in your area, you can attend one online. Go to www.smartrecovery.org and click on Online Meetings and Activities to register. Please don't wait. These organizations can help both you and your husband.

Marriage & DivorceEtiquette & EthicsAddiction
life

Museum Docent Offers Advice: No Touching!

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 23rd, 2013 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: On behalf of my fellow museum docents, I'm asking you to educate your readers about how to behave when they visit our nation's historic buildings. The most important rule is: Do Not Touch Anything!

This includes the walls and woodwork. Even the cleanest hands have skin oils that can damage a finish. Next, do not lean against the walls or doorways because this, too, may damage original paint, wood finishes or carved details.

If ropes are blocking access to part of the room, do not go beyond them. The dirt on your shoes can damage carpets. If a door is closed or only half open, do not move it.

As a courtesy to your guide and other visitors, cellphones should be turned off. The docent has important information to share with you. If we do not have an immediate answer to a question, we will seek it from another guide or staff member.

Guides and docents enjoy sharing our knowledge with guests. So please visit, but while you're with us, follow our guidelines and help us preserve and protect these glimpses into the past. -- DOCENT IN PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR DOCENT: Your letter deserves space in my column because people sometimes forget when touring historic buildings that they are not in their own homes, but in fact are in museums. May I add one more tip to your list: It is always a good idea to ask permission before using a camera with a flashbulb.

Docents are individuals who study their subjects intensively, and then function as unpaid teachers who transmit their knowledge to visitors in institutions such as museums, art galleries and zoos. They perform an important service and should be treated with respect for the time and effort they put forth to prepare themselves for it.

Etiquette & Ethics
life

Beach House Is No Picnic for This Stressed Out Wife

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 22nd, 2013 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband retired and we thought we were fulfilling our lifetime dream when we moved to the beach, but our dream has turned into a nightmare. Our family never wanted to visit us this often before.

When they come, no one even brings along so much as a bottle of water. My grocery bill has skyrocketed, and I'm sick of playing the role of cook and maid while they have a wonderful time.

I'm ready to move back to our hometown. At least there I had a life besides cooking and cleaning. My husband wants to live here because it's his dream, but I can't take another year of this. The workload is killing me.

I have been a fool for putting up with everyone having a carefree vacation at my expense. I'm so angry I'm ready to leave my husband with his dream. The last three years have been hell. When friends and family ask why I left, should I tell them, or keep my mouth shut and build a peaceful life by myself? -- RUNNING FOR MY LIFE

DEAR RUNNING: Leaving your husband is not the solution. Telling the individuals who are taking advantage of your hospitality that the rules have changed is. Set rules before guests arrive. If it's not convenient for you to entertain, speak up and say so when the relatives call to say they're coming. Make it clear that they will be doing their own laundry, buying their own groceries, etc.

And while you're at it, understand that the reason this has gotten out of hand is partly your husband's fault. He's retired; he can lend a hand.

The Good Lord gave you the gift of speech. For the sake of your sanity and your marriage, I'm suggesting you use it.

Marriage & DivorceEtiquette & EthicsFriends & NeighborsFamily & Parenting
life

Woman Worried About Falling Back In Love With Her Ex

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 22nd, 2013 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Seven years ago, I was in a relationship with a man I thought was my soul mate. (I'll call him Louis.) We were together for two years and had planned on getting married right after college. Louis ended up breaking the engagement and six months later married another woman. I was shocked and heartbroken. We went our separate ways.

Louis contacted me recently. He apologized for the past and said he was out of his mind for losing me. He also said he was recently divorced and wants to see me to "catch up."

I have healed from the heartache and moved on, but I am not currently in a relationship. I am content with my life. The problem is, my curiosity and my heart are tripping me up. I'm wary of falling back in love with Louis and don't want to reopen any old wounds.

What do you think, Abby? Should I meet him and see what happens, or let the past stay where it is? -- OVER HIM? IN NEW YORK

DEAR OVER HIM?: Louis may be a cad -- or he may have become more mature in the last seven years. Because you are curious, I think you should go. But if he starts wooing you again, do not get serious unless you have had couples counseling. It's important that you clearly understand what went wrong in your romance the first time so it doesn't happen again.

Marriage & DivorceLove & Dating
life

Dust Up Over Vacuum Clouds Friendship Between Neighbors

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 21st, 2013 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Am I being selfish? My next-door neighbor (who is a friend) knew we had bought an expensive vacuum cleaner last year. She asked if she could try it out on her carpet and I agreed, thinking it would be a one-time favor. I should add that she watches our house and our cat when we're traveling, and we do likewise for her.

She recently asked if she could borrow it again, and I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to let her, so I made an excuse that I needed to buy more vacuum bags. I suspect that she "borrowed" it again without my permission two months ago while we were away because the cord wasn't like I had left it.

How can I tactfully handle this situation? She's on a tight budget and can't afford to buy this particular vacuum herself. -- AM I SELFISH?

DEAR AM I SELFISH?: Rather than label you selfish, I'd prefer to call you "stuck." You allowed your friend to use the vacuum once and have given her free run of your home in your absence. Because she has used the vacuum again without your permission, she is likely to do it again.

If you're afraid of the "ick" factor of having "her" dust in your house, you'll have to tell her plainly that you don't want her to use the vacuum and probably find another house sitter. Or, knowing she's short of money, you might let her use the vacuum but suggest that when she uses one of your bags she buy some of her own and replace the one she used with a fresh one.

Etiquette & EthicsFriends & Neighbors
life

Woman Wearing Hat Gets Rude Reaction From Strangers

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 21st, 2013 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a 19-year-old woman who recently got over a bout of compulsive hair-pulling that left the top of my head bald. The hair hasn't completely grown back yet, so I refuse to go anywhere without a hat.

When I'm out in public, people often tell me it's rude to wear a hat indoors. While I understand this, my hair is a sensitive subject that reduces me to tears. What can I say to people when they continue to badger me? -- COVERED UP IN GEORGIA

DEAR COVERED UP: Point out that it is even more rude to criticize someone's attire when the person may have a legitimate reason for dressing that way. You should also talk with a hairstylist about buying an inexpensive hairpiece to wear until your hair grows back. That may curtail some of the unsolicited comments you're receiving.

Mental HealthEtiquette & Ethics
life

Mom Refuses To Get Cellphone, Even For Emergencies

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 21st, 2013 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My mother refuses to get a cellphone. I know she isn't afraid of technology (she has a tablet and an e-reader). Her explanation for how to handle an emergency is: "We will handle it like we did before there were cellphones." I had to remind her of the limited availability of pay phones or courtesy phones nowadays.

Abby, it bothers me that she chooses not to have one. I find it hurtful that an easy way to handle family emergencies is being ignored. It's a simple solution. A prepaid cellphone with a big-numbered keyboard would be a good way for us to be on the same page. Any advice? -- OUT OF TOUCH IN GLENS FALLS, N.Y.

DEAR OUT OF TOUCH: Yes. Stop nagging your mother because it's not working. Experience is the most effective teacher. Your mother will not appreciate what a blessing a cellphone can be until she learns the hard way what it's like to need one and not have one. This may seem negative, but it's the truth.

Family & Parenting

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