DEAR ABBY: I am thinking about planning a "surprise" wedding for me and my fiance. We have been together for eight years and have lived together for seven. We put off the wedding for many reasons, chiefly the cost because those things are expensive. We do not want to just elope.

The idea of having a theme party and inviting all our friends and family occurred to me the other day. Then, in the middle of it, we could bring in a priest and tie the knot! I have figured out the cost, and it shouldn't be more than a grand. We could swing that.

But my question is, do we tell anyone about it beforehand? I told one of my girlfriends and my fiance, and they think it's a great idea. It would take a lot of stress off. Should I tell my parents? They sometimes blab (Dad is worse than Mom) when they're excited about something. -- STEALTH BRIDE-TO-BE

DEAR STEALTH BRIDE-TO-BE: One person you should definitely discuss this with would be the priest. Ask if he would be willing to marry a couple who has been living together because some aren't, and also if he'd prefer the solemn vows be taken in a house of worship rather than a theme-party atmosphere. If that's the case, you may have to settle for an officiant of another faith or a justice of the peace to perform the ceremony.

Also, I suggest you rethink your idea of keeping this happy news from your folks, who may have been praying for this for seven years. They might feel very hurt to find they were kept in the dark.

DEAR ABBY: My husband's stepmother and father send religious-themed gifts for every holiday. We have an abundance of unused books, DVDs, stickers, coloring books, dolls, bookmarks, etc., purchased from local Christian stores for a hefty price.

We don't see them often during the year because we live in different states, but we would like our kids to have a good relationship with them. The kids don't seem to be fazed by it, but they also don't get excited about opening and using these gifts.

We pay for our children to participate in religious education as well as attend several church functions during the school year. We believe grandparents should be interested in learning about what each child is drawn to, and not so much about preaching their own religious beliefs to us. It makes us uncomfortable and resentful at times.

How does one politely tell in-laws to stop sending religious-themed gifts? -- OVERLOADED IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR OVERLOADED: One doesn't. A better way to handle it would be to communicate with them in between these holidays and tell them what activities the grandkids are involved in, and any new interests they may have. A stronger hint than that would be offensive, and I don't recommend it.

As to what to do with the unused items -- donate them.

DEAR ABBY: When my daughter calls her mother-in-law "Mom," it hurts my feelings. I gave birth to her, worked hard to put a roof over her head and food in her mouth. She has only one mother during her lifetime -- me. I never called my mother-in-law "Mom." The name meant something to me, and it was reserved for the woman who gave me life! -- DISAPPOINTED IN IDAHO

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Many women besides your daughter call their mothers-in-law "Mom." Rather than be jealous and territorial, you should be happy that your daughter has such a warm relationship with her mother-in-law.

However, because you feel slighted, ask if she would be willing to call her MIL "Mama Smith" -- something other than her name for you when you are all together in order to avoid "confusion."

DEAR ABBY: At what point is a relationship with a member of the opposite sex considered "cheating"? I have recently discovered that my husband was having a more-than-friendly relationship with a co-worker. He set up a post office box for her so she could write to him while she was away for an extended period.

I found her letters and read them. They described how she missed my husband and "couldn't wait to feel" his arms around her and his lips on hers again. She said he had shown her what real true love can be. She is 12 years younger than he is.

My husband says they never had sex, but did kiss on several occasions, and he enjoyed their deep, open conversations. Because my husband is not a big conversationalist, that has been very hard for me. The idea that he had meaningful conversations with this woman hurts me more than the physical things they admit to.

He says it's not actually cheating if they never slept together. I say, with everything he has admitted to and the fact he has opened up to her in ways I have begged him to with me, he has definitely cheated!

This is the second time in our 16-year marriage this kind of thing has happened. Obviously, his definition of cheating is not the same as mine. I say an emotional affair is almost worse than a physical one. He sees cheating as sex only. -- HURT AND LONELY IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR HURT AND LONELY: When someone gets a post office box so that he or she can carry on a furtive romantic correspondence, it is cheating. When he kisses and embraces someone in a romantic fashion, that's cheating too. When he confides his deepest feelings to a woman other than his wife, what he does is widen the gulf between them.

On the deepest levels, your husband has been unfaithful to you. It appears he has perfected the "art" of lying to himself in order to justify his behavior. My heart goes out to you.

DEAR ABBY: I was seeing a therapist for several years. I began going because of abandonment and trust issues. Over time we became friends outside of therapy, talking to each other several times a week. I trusted her completely. During our therapy sessions she shared her life and problems with me to the point that I feel I know as much about her as she knows about me.

A couple of months ago, she suddenly decided that ethics had been breached and she was setting new boundaries. She said there would be no contact outside our sessions, but during the sessions she would say how much she missed me and thought of me as a daughter, and she would cry.

Now she has decided that she can no longer be my therapist. She has blocked my number and expects me to respect her demands. I know you can't speak for her, but is this normal behavior for a mental health therapist? I no longer trust therapists. -- CONFUSED IN TEXAS

DEAR CONFUSED: No, it is not normal behavior; it is highly inappropriate. Your therapist appears to have had as many or more unresolved emotional issues than you did. By ending your sessions together, she has done you an enormous favor.

While you may not trust "therapists," it may require the efforts of another one to help you work through this. When you go for your initial interview, be sure to tell the therapist what was done to you.

DEAR ABBY: I was bullied from second grade all through school. In junior high the abuse was both emotional and physical, and it happened on a daily basis. My parents' response was that maybe I was the problem -- and if I wasn't, people would stop picking on me. (That's a letter for another day.)

What would have been my 10-year high school reunion was two weeks ago. Needless to say, I didn't go. Since the reunion, however, I have received more than 30 messages via Facebook from former classmates. It seems I was the main topic of conversation at the reunion, mainly because everyone apparently wanted to apologize to me.

Abby, I don't know how to respond to these people. While I don't doubt the sincerity of their apologies, I truly don't want to have any contact with them (even on Facebook). At the same time, I don't want to be rude and just ignore them.

So far, I haven't replied to any of their messages. I want to know if I must, and if so, what I should say? To be honest, I'd like to tell them all to go to hell, but I'm trying to be nice. -- LOST FOR WORDS

DEAR LOST FOR WORDS: You do not have to say anything to any of these people, and you do not have to be "nice." Silence sends a strong message, and it is the one I'm recommending.

Understand that by apologizing they are trying to make themselves feel better. It's also possible that maturity has caused them to realize what they did was wrong. However, you are not obligated to accept their apologies if doing so will make you feel worse.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother struggling with my 12-year-old daughter. For the last three months she has been withdrawn, uncommunicative, rude, mean and treats me with contempt. We have been in counseling and are going back again, but I can't ask people to stay with her while I go and recharge my spirit because she's so rude to them as well.

I need to know, Abby, what do other parents do to make it through this incredibly painful period in the lives of their teenager and themselves? -- SINGLE MOM IN CANADA

DEAR SINGLE MOM: Any abrupt change in behavior should be regarded as a red flag. Your daughter should be evaluated by her pediatrician to be sure there isn't an underlying cause. Could she have been molested, be using drugs, pills, alcohol, etc.? Do her friends act this way? Does she have friends?

Changes like this don't usually happen overnight. Was this behavior tolerated when she was smaller? If a child of mine behaved that way, she would be grounded and her cellphone and Internet privileges canceled until she was 30.

As to whom you can leave her with while you "recharge," does this girl have a father, an aunt, a grandparent who can give you respite? That's how some single parents get a break. But if those resources are not available, you will have to deal with this (with the help of a more effective therapist than the one you were using) until your "problem child" becomes an adult.