DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law, "Dave," has twice kissed me passionately when my sister was not around. I made light of it and pushed him away. The third time it happened was when he came to my house to do a little repair job for me. That time he also grabbed my breast. I exploded and told him off.

Later on, Dave called and said he was going to come back to do some other things that needed attention. I told him he was not welcome in my house and that I'm furious he would do such a thing. He apologized and said he hoped I could forgive him.

I am so angry! I no longer want to be in his company. I also don't like that I have to keep his behavior a secret from my sister. I haven't told anyone, and it is keeping me up nights. Please help. -- FUMING IN FLORIDA

DEAR FUMING: Your mistake was in not setting your amorous brother-in-law straight the first time he made a pass at you. Because you didn't, he thought his advances were welcome.

Now that you have made plain to him that you're not interested, you will probably have nothing more to worry about. But you are wise not to have him over unless your sister is with him.

I don't blame you for being angry, but do nothing until you cool off. The question then will be whether to tell Sis that her husband behaves inappropriately and how you know.

DEAR ABBY: I recently moved back to my home state and in with my grandmother to get away from my abusive husband. I have also filed for divorce. I love my grandmother dearly, but when it comes to the divorce or the therapy I go to weekly, she is not understanding and constantly brings up what he did to me.

I believe she's frustrated because I'm in therapy and she doesn't see a reason for me to go. She thinks "if it's not talked about, then it never happened." I have tried to explain to her that I can't just let go of what he did to me and my son. How can I make her understand that I'm trying to heal wounds that aren't visible from the outside? -- TRYING TO HEAL ON THE INSIDE

DEAR TRYING TO HEAL: Your grandmother may come from a generation in which therapy was something to be ashamed of. A way to help her understand the importance of what you are doing would be to invite her to a session with your therapist, let her air her concerns, and let the therapist explain to her why it is important that you work this through to become healthy again. This must be very uncomfortable for you, and you have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a teenage girl living with my mom, who is a single parent, and my younger sister. We have struggled financially, but we mostly live a relatively comfortable life, and Mom owns her own home.

However, she constantly says things to me and my sister like, "We're so poor," or, "We're going to live under a bridge," even in public! We have asked her to stop several times, but she doesn't care that we are upset and embarrassed. How can I get her to stop? -- EMBARRASSED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR EMBARRASSED: Rather than ask her to stop, don't you think you should approach her privately and ask why she is saying it? She may be joking, but her concerns could also be a holdover from when her financial situation was less secure. Please do it. Her response might be educational.

DEAR ABBY: I'll bet you've gotten a ton of mail about "Mike in Missouri" (March 15), who was worried about his wife's declining sex drive. While your point about hormone levels is a good one, it could be something simpler than that.

I am a wife who would love to have sex more often, but I'm tired! I work full-time and do most of the household chores. I also do most of the cooking.

When my husband heads up to the bedroom at 10 o'clock and gives me that "come hither look," I'm not in the mood for sex. I'm thinking about the two loads of laundry and the sink full of dishes that still need to be done. Or I'm trying to remember whether I signed that permission slip for our daughter and making a mental note about picking up my prescriptions on the way to a client meeting in the morning.

Speaking of prescriptions, is Mike's wife perhaps on birth control pills? Those can decrease a woman's sex drive. I took a particular pill for a year before realizing how much it killed my desire. My doctor changed the prescription. Although there's a big difference, I'm still too tired to do much about it most days.

However, my husband has figured out I have more energy in the mornings, so his timing is better on those "come hither looks." Now if I could only get him to help out more with the chores ... -- G. IN DAYTON, OHIO

DEAR G.: Thank you for sharing. And you're right -- readers wasted no time flooding my office with comments on this topic:

DEAR ABBY: After conversations with women of all ages, I have concluded that more often than not, it is the husband who has caused the wife's sex drive to diminish, not hormones or other physical problems.

Ask Mike how he treats his wife on a daily basis; whether he has habits or hygiene that are off-putting; whether he indulges in pornography; whether he has taken care of his health and appearance. After 17 years, is he a good lover?

Many women are as dissatisfied with their sex lives as their complaining husbands are. Anyone who wants to have a satisfying sex partner needs to be one. -- OVER 50 AND STILL INTERESTED

DEAR ABBY: A woman's sex drive is a complex issue that in my experience has nothing to do with her hormone levels. A decline can occur at any age even though she has no obvious medical issues. The most common causes are stress, unresolved and deeply buried sexual issues, concern about body image, empty nest syndrome, distraction with family problems, worry over work or finances, and the side effects of medications such as antidepressants. -- SAN DIEGO GYNECOLOGIST

DEAR ABBY: When sex was mind-blowing for me was when I felt the most loved by my husband. The way he treats me has changed over the years, and lately I'm so turned off that I can no longer physically respond to him. Often, a woman loses interest in sex because her partner makes her feel like he has lost interest in her.

At the beginning of a relationship, both people do special things for each other to show their affection. These are the things women need. To continue feeling loved, each woman has different emotional needs that can stay the same or evolve as life's circumstances change.

The bottom line is, if men want their wives to want them physically, they need to learn what their wives want emotionally -- and then do a lot of it. Pay attention to her, communicate, make her a priority. I'm amazed that so many men don't understand how enormous the payoff would be if they made the effort to make their wives feel they are still special. -- OUTTA HERE SOON

DEAR ABBY: My problem is my mother-in-law and her abundant use of perfume. The last time she visited, it was so bad we had to open our windows to air out the rooms. (This was in January in Minnesota.)

My husband addressed the problem with her when I was pregnant, but now that the baby is here she's back to her old habits.

We are all sensitive to perfumes and get headaches when exposed to it. When she visits, we can't get away from the smell. I don't wear perfume, but was always told that "perfume is to be discovered, never announced." However, when I say that around her, she dismisses it.

What's the proper etiquette in addressing the perfume cloud that surrounds her? -- THE NOSE KNOWS

DEAR NOSE: I receive complaints about perfumes almost daily. Perfume "in abundance" can cause serious allergic reactions in people who are sensitive to it. And when they are exposed to it in enclosed places (elevators, airplanes, houses with storm windows, gymnasiums, etc.), it can cause real problems.

Your mother-in-law should be reminded again that her perfume is causing headaches and asked to please not use it around you. Depending upon how old she is and her sense of smell, she may not realize she is using as much as she is.

Women's perfumes and men's after-shave lotions and colognes can also cause problems at the gym. When people who are exercising begin to sweat, the smell can become overpowering and a nuisance to others. Scents that were applied the day before can turn rancid, so a shower before working out would be considerate if this could be you.

DEAR ABBY: I have a son, "Billy," who will be 9 soon. He was conceived through rape by a man who was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive, as well as controlling and manipulative. He threatened to kill me and Billy, but I eventually got free. I have a criminal no-contact order on him, and he has no legal rights to Billy.

I have raised my son without any knowledge of his father. I feel it would be cruel to tell him how he came into the world. My mother disagrees. She thinks it will backfire if and when Billy finds out. She points out that Billy has two half-sisters he doesn't know about. I don't like to keep that from him.

I need to protect my son, no matter what. But am I doing the right thing? I sometimes question what is in my son's best interest and that of our relationship. Please give me some advice. -- LIVING IN THE PRESENT

DEAR LIVING IN THE PRESENT: I'm surprised your son hasn't already asked about his father, because surely he must have questions. When Billy asks, he should be told some of the truth in an age-appropriate way. He does not need to know about the rape, but he should know that his father was violent, so for your safety and his, the courts decided Billy's father should not be in contact with the two of you. Billy should also be told that until he is an adult it will have to remain that way.

When he's older, he can be told that there are half-siblings. (I agree with your mother on that.) While you can't protect your son forever, you can keep him safe until he's old enough to process the information.