life

E Cigarettes Harm the Smoker, but Not Secondhand Breather

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 29th, 2013 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I work in a small office with two former heavy smokers who have now transitioned to vapor/e-cigarettes. My concern is that they "smoke" their e-cigarettes in the office constantly, and I don't know what chemicals I am now breathing secondhand.

Both of them are senior to me in rank and age, and they pooh-pooh the notion that anything but water vapor is being exhaled. Am I making something out of nothing, or should I be worried about this? -- CLEAN AIR

DEAR CLEAN AIR: You don't have anything to worry about, but your co-workers may. In 2009, the FDA announced the findings from a laboratory analysis that indicated that electronic cigarettes expose users to harmful chemical ingredients, including carcinogens. However, those elements were not detected in exhaled vapor.

Work & SchoolHealth & SafetyAddiction
life

Young-At-Heart Senior Not Ready To Give Up On Finding A Good Man

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 29th, 2013 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: The woman who collaborated with me on this letter is in her 80s and lives at an assisted-living facility. I am a caregiver and a senior myself, and I have worked in this area for six years.

We read your column on the days I care for her. She loves it and responds verbally to all the letters. Many times the situations spark good conversation, even though her short-term memory is failing. Sometimes we end up howling with laughter. She's a delight and has the courage to still seek out relationships.

This is what she asked me to help her to communicate. -- KATE IN AUSTIN, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: I have been in assisted living for seven years. There are times when it can be lonely and boring. I'd like to meet some men for companionship, conversation and perhaps romance. The men here act so much older than me. They don't start conversations. They stay in their rooms and watch TV and don't seem interested in conversations.

It's hard because my memory isn't what it used to be, but I do remember how nice it was to have male companionship. Do you have any ideas to make my life a little more interesting? -- LONELY WOMAN

DEAR LONELY: Start by making sure you participate in all the activities your assisted-living facility offers. Shared mealtimes and holiday celebrations also present opportunities to mingle.

The trick is to find something you have in common with these men -- sports, games, music, movies. Because long-term memory outlasts short-term memory, some of them might find it easier to discuss their youth than the present.

Encourage your caregiver, Kate, to take you places where you can meet other seniors. And while you're at it, why not invite some of the men to join you both during your Dear Abby sessions? It's a way to draw people out and get to know them better.

Sex & GenderMental HealthLove & Dating
life

COUPLE REUNITES AFTER SEPARATION, BUT WIFE WORRIES ABOUT STDs

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 29th, 2013 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: After a six-month separation, my husband and I are reuniting. We were married for 22 years. I know for a fact he has dated and slept with several women. He's adamant that he used protection each time, but the idea of STDs has me preoccupied and worried. I have asked him to use protection with me until I get over my fear.

How long do most of today's STDs incubate, and what is a safe time to wait to remove the "rain gear"? -- LONGING FOR CONTACT

DEAR LONGING: Congratulations on your reunion. Rather than worry about this, ask your husband to schedule a doctor's appointment and be tested for any STD he might have contracted. Not all STDs have the same incubation period, but a blood test could resolve the issue and put your mind at ease.

Sex & GenderHealth & SafetyMarriage & Divorce
life

Dad Anticipates Tough Talks With His Teenage Daughters

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 28th, 2013 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: As a father of two teenage daughters, I have a question about couples living together. Do relationships that start this way have a higher failure rate than those that don't? What should be considered when a young girl has the "living together" question presented to her by a young man? And most important, what can I as a father do to help my daughters make an intelligent decision about this, other than just "load my shotgun" (LOL)?

As always, thank you for broadening my wisdom horizon and giving me examples of solid advice from which both my and my family's life have been enriched. -- LONGTIME FAN IN OHIO

DEAR LONGTIME FAN: It depends upon whether the couple living together are engaged to be married and their level of education. From what I've read, the higher the level of education, the more stable the couple will be. If the question is presented to your daughters, ideally you will have gotten to know the young man, and the relationship will have developed beyond the casual stage.

However, I cannot stress strongly enough the importance of your girls being independent, self-supporting and completing their education before they decide to do this. One of the most common reasons women remain in unhappy marriages/relationships is the fear they can't survive on their own.

Sex & GenderLove & DatingMarriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Throwing Rice At Wedding Is An Old-Fashioned Ritual

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 28th, 2013 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are hoping you could shed some light on the practice of throwing rice at a wedding. We were not only wondering when and how the practice started, but also do people still throw rice today at weddings? We had heard that guests had stopped doing so to help protect wildlife (especially birds). Have you found this to be true? If so, what do we throw now? -- EMPTY-HANDED IN WISCONSIN

DEAR EMPTY-HANDED: Rice-throwing is an ancient tradition that may date back to ancient Rome and Egypt or even earlier. It was a ritual having to do with fertility -- many grains of rice equating to having many children. In some countries, the couple is pelted with dates, raisins or even eggs, according to Ask Yahoo.

According to Emily Post: "All the traditional materials have their drawbacks: Rice can be dangerous for birds if ingested; birdseed can sprout weeds in unwanted places; rose petals are notoriously slippery; and even bubbles can stain a gown. Instead, you might distribute colored flags or streamers for guests to wave. ... It beats assigning someone the nearly impossible task of trying to recover grains and seeds from grass and flower beds."

It's Abby again: This is why I recommend that instead of tossing anything, you shower the happy couple with good wishes.

Etiquette & EthicsMarriage & Divorce
life

Parents Of Identical Triplets Endure Prying Questions

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 28th, 2013 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have three daughters, identical triplets. We, like many parents of multiples, are tired of questions and unsolicited comments from strangers concerning IVF -- which we did not use, hence "identical" -- or anything else triplet-related.

I don't think people realize how rude they are being. I have been asked when did I know, how much did they weigh, what are their full names, etc.

Abby, would you please discuss baby etiquette with the world? I do not feel questions about my children from total strangers are appropriate. They even make me feel unsafe. -- MULTIPLE MOM IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR MULTIPLE MOM: Identical triplets are unusual, and what the questioners are doing is exhibiting natural curiosity. While I agree that asking how your daughters were conceived is inappropriate, a polite way to respond would be to say, "They were conceived with love."

Etiquette & EthicsFamily & Parenting
life

Teenager's Dating Game Plan Begins With Proving Maturity

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 27th, 2013 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl and my parents won't let me date. I believe I am mature for my age and won't do anything foolish. I don't know why my parents are being like this. Please give me some advice on how to persuade them. -- REALLY READY IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR REALLY READY: Although you think you are ready to start dating, your parents will have to make the ultimate decision on when you enter the "dating game." Their decision will most likely be based on whether you have demonstrated the beginnings of emotional maturity.

Here's how: You need to have proven to them you can handle responsibility, carry out school assignments and chores, be honest with them and keep your word. It will also depend upon whether they know the boy in question, and whether he is responsible enough to be trusted with their most precious possession, which is you.

Love & DatingTeens
life

Wife Of Unfaithful Pastor Needs To Seek Therapy

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 27th, 2013 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 27 years to a man who is a church pastor. We have had to move every six to eight years, partly because he was repeatedly unfaithful. We have gone through his alcoholism, gambling and womanizing, and my two suicide attempts. We have been trying to work things out, but I suspect that he's back to his old ways.

I work part-time, but haven't been able to find a full-time job after our most recent move, so I am financially dependent on him. I have two adult children who don't live near me. Most of the people I know are through the church, and they are all great supporters of my husband.

I feel trapped, and I don't know how to fix my life at this point. Have you any suggestions? -- TRAPPED ON THE EAST COAST

DEAR TRAPPED: You will have to do it in stages. The first should be to talk with a licensed therapist who is not associated with the church. It will help you to clarify your thinking and become more emotionally stabilized.

Next, continue looking for full-time employment. If necessary, start by volunteering. It will help to widen your circle of acquaintances and perhaps lead to a job.

Then, once you are feeling better about yourself, you will be better able to decide what to do about your unhappy marriage.

Work & SchoolMarriage & Divorce
life

Reader Touched By Kindness Of Hospital Employees

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 27th, 2013 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: After being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis last year, I moved 900 miles from home. Shortly after the move, my dog had to be put to sleep. Because of all the stress, my M.S. flared up and I was admitted to the hospital.

After my third day there I was lonely, so I went to the gift shop (the Pink Smock) and bought myself some pretty flowers and knick-knacks as a pick-me-up. While I was paying for them, the ladies behind the counter asked me if I needed a card for the flowers. I explained I was buying them for myself because I was alone.

After I returned to my room, about an hour later more flowers arrived. I thought my mom had sent them to me from afar. The card read: "Feel Better Soon! From the Ladies at the Pink Smock."

Abby, that has to be the most thoughtful thing a stranger has ever done for me, and I wanted to share it. I am so touched! -- RACHEL IN SANFORD, N.C.

DEAR RACHEL: Your letter is an example of what strong medicine an act of kindness can be. I don't know which hospital the Pink Smock is in, but whoever runs it should know what an asset those caring women in the gift shop are. Kudos to them, and I hope you are doing much better now.

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