DEAR ABBY: "Rita" and I have been together three years and are getting ready to make the final commitment of marriage. My problem is that she's a slob. Rita isn't a "hoarder," but she does things like take the plastic off a package and drop it on the floor. (Don't get me started on the mess she leaves in the bathroom.)

I love her and would be willing to have separate bathrooms if that's what it takes. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life in a house that looks the way hers does right now. The thought of raising kids in that kind of atmosphere chills me.

I'm no neat freak, but at least I put my trash in the wastebasket. Rita gets offended if I raise the issue. I have offered to help her clean her house, but I don't want to nag because her mother already does, and it makes Rita respond like a defiant child.

Have you any ideas about what I can do to keep our relationship -- and hopefully our future -- intact? -- WHATEVER RITA WANTS

DEAR WHATEVER: It appears your girlfriend wants to continue living exactly the way she is. Because she becomes defensive at the suggestion that she make a better effort, accept that you are not going to change her. She obviously has many good qualities or your relationship would not have made it this far.

There is help for people who are disorganized and sloppy, but only if they are willing to accept that they need it. Some people have successfully used a system originated by Marla Cilley, aka the FlyLady. ("Fly" stands for "Finally Loving Yourself.") To find out more about her system, visit www.flylady.net and click on "Get Started."

DEAR ABBY: I'm stuck in a dead-end job that doesn't pay much money, so I have to rely on help from my parents. I'd like to return to school for my master's, but a lack of funds and mild depression keep pulling me back.

I told my mother about how I have been feeling, hoping for reassurance -- just a general, "Everything is going to get better." This is a woman who has longed for me to get married and have children, which I thought was no different than most mothers. I now realize I was wrong. Her motivation speech was: "You have always been beautiful and I want you to see it. Don't you know that you're good enough to become a rich man's wife?"

Now I realize that being a rich man's wife is what she always wanted for me. I always thought I could be more than that and support myself without the need of a man. I also believed I could one day be a writer.

Independence has always been important to me, and I would never marry unless I was. Now, however, my self-esteem is shot, and since I can't afford therapy, I feel my mother's plan is probably the only thing I can hope for. How can I improve my self-esteem so I can make the right decision? -- DEPRESSED IN LEWISVILLE, TEXAS

DEAR DEPRESSED: A good first step would be to stop listening to your mother. Live your own life, and now that you know what poor judgment she has, make your own decisions about the path you will follow.

A suggestion: Write the story down and be sure to mention how you persisted in spite of your mother's advice. You may find inspiration in your own words. And if it's published, so might others.

DEAR ABBY: My friend "Eden" recently told me her husband constantly compares her to me. It came up because she asked how I was feeling in my first trimester of pregnancy, and I confided that I have been having a tough time keeping up with my household duties.

Instead of sympathizing, she said, "Wow! I'll have to tell my husband that, because he's always talking about how clean your house is and how you cook dinner for your family every night."

I was really hurt that she was taking pleasure in my failures. I also felt uncomfortable that her husband compares her unfavorably to me. It isn't the first time she has mentioned how he talks about me.

I have distanced myself, hoping things would get better, but when I see her, she invariably manages to get in a little "dig." I'm unsure how to handle this. We're neighbors and have mutual friends. I thought we were friends, but now I realize she harbors some resentment toward me for something I didn't cause. Help! -- NO CONTEST IN MARYLAND

DEAR NO CONTEST: Unless Eden's husband stops using you as the cudgel to beat her down with, you can forget being friends. A way to handle it would be to talk to her husband and say, "Please stop comparing me to your wife because it is affecting our friendship!"

DEAR ABBY: Whenever my best friend smells a cough drop, she comments that it's "rude" to eat one in public and that if someone is sick, the person should stay home.

I would much rather smell someone's cough drop than listen to coughing during an entire movie or opera. Some people may have bought expensive tickets to a show only to get sick the day before or have allergies that cause them to cough.

So is it rude to eat a cough drop in public or not? -- UNBOTHERED IN TEXAS

DEAR UNBOTHERED: If it was bad manners to pop a cough drop into one's mouth in public, more than a few large brands would be out of business. While I agree with your friend that if people are sick they should stay home, some coughs linger beyond the stage when they are contagious.

I do not think that because someone bought expensive tickets to an event and gets sick the day before that it's all right to attend anyway and risk infecting everyone within "cough-shot." The considerate thing to do is to cancel and ask for a refund.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend in another state who has been posting on Facebook about her diagnosis of cancer. Her postings started in October, followed by more postings about delay after delay in the treatment.

First it was insurance -- she doesn't have any. Then it was multiple CAT scans and PETs. Now she's planning her own fundraiser, and I'm beginning to think she has made the whole thing up. It looks like there will be no treatment until after the fundraiser, even though she claims the cancer is stage 4. What do you think? -- SUSPICIOUS IN NEW YORK

DEAR SUSPICIOUS: I think that if there is any doubt in your mind about this woman's character, you should not contribute. And I also think that if your suspicions are true, your friend is planning to commit fraud and could wind up "recuperating" in prison.

TO MY JEWISH READERS: Why is tonight different from every other night? Because Passover begins at sundown. Happy Passover, everyone!

DEAR ABBY: My best friend of more than 12 years -- the pastor of a large church -- was sent to prison several months ago for soliciting sex with two minor children. While I despise what he did, I have enough intimate knowledge to know this was a one-time thing. He's a sex addict and, while this does not forgive the act, it was just an escalation of his addiction.

I have decided to forgive him and be supportive. I send him a small amount of money each week and provide emotional support. My problem is, I knew about his addiction for 11 of the 12 years we have known each other. I feel I could have prevented all this from happening if I had told others, intervened and helped him get treatment. How do I apologize to all of those who loved and supported him, not knowing he wasn't celibate? -- THE GUILTY ENABLER

DEAR ENABLER: Excuse me? "Just" an escalation of the man's sex addiction? The man's lack of character is appalling. That you would turn a blind eye to what he was doing indicates that you have issues of your own that need resolving. Forget about apologizing. You can't make this better. What's done is done.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend was raised in a family that didn't celebrate holidays, including birthdays. They converted to that religion when he was 10, and while he no longer identifies with that religion, he still doesn't recognize any celebrations.

I was raised with all the traditions surrounding the holidays and the family time that comes with it. I feel they are very important. I have tried explaining this to him, but his attitude toward holidays borders on hatred.

He recently told me he wants me to stop including him in activities or conversations related to holidays and birthdays, and I'm not sure what to do. He finds the same activities acceptable as long as they don't happen around a holiday and are not associated with one.

Would it be unfair to ask him to compromise and share certain traditions with me, in light of the fact that he has no family traditions to bring to the table? -- NO HAPPY BIRTHDAYS

DEAR NO HAPPY BIRTHDAYS: You could ask him to compromise, but it would be unrealistic to expect that someone with his ingrained attitude will do so. A fish and a bird may love each other, but it doesn't mean they can happily cohabit. If you want a happy relationship, find someone whose traditions more closely resemble your own.

DEAR ABBY: I'm an almost 18-year-old girl. I hoped that by now I would be over my fear of the dark, but I'm not. I can't sleep without the TV, go outside after dark or walk through my house at night without being terrified. I always feel as if there is "something" there, no matter how many times I shine a light to check. I'm pretty sure this is irrational, but I don't know what to do. -- SCAREDY-CAT IN FLORIDA

DEAR SCAREDY-CAT: When someone has an irrational fear, the thing to do is to consult a licensed psychotherapist and discuss it. There are counselors who specialize in phobias, and your physician may be able to refer you to one.